Thursday, June 28, 2012


Ohkay, so my intention of holding out till Tuesday lasted till this morning, where I POASed  this morning and got a line that was looked almost the same as yesterday (15 DPO) and the day before (14 DPO). I then sat blindly staring into space for like half an hour, caught somewhere between hope, fear and bleakness. To say that this limbo is messing me up is putting it mildly. I then emailed my awesome Endo and asked him to put in a blood test for beta and progesterone tomorrow. I have to say, this blows. I can deal with a clear failure in my own way, or good news (no trouble at all :)), but this in-between stuff is what truly kills me. I bitched about my previous pregnancies, about having no indication that something bad was coming, but I have to say, the alternative is far worse.

You know that adage? Don't ask a question if you can't deal with the answer? well, I don't deal well with uncertain answers, but apparently, nor can I leave well enough alone. A non-doubling would probably reduce me to a mess for a few hours (with my cousin coming in sometime tomorrow). I feel horrible at the possible at the prospect of  hitting her with this mess, but I think with somebody around, I would manage to be decent company after. I hope. We usually have a blast together, and I hope we will manage one despite the circumstances, even if they are very negative.

I'm naturally a creature of impulse,with little discipline or patience. It amazes me that I have achieved as much as I have in life with this combination of undesirable traits, but, to counterbalance it, I have a pretty strong will. With work, I've forced my dreamy and  unfocussed nature away and dragged in the discipline it takes to achieve stuff, but the TTC process plays hell with my work habits. I've still been getting stuff done in the past 2 weeks, but its been a struggle. Its far, far worse when I'm afraid, as I am now. I'm being unfair to my job when I TTC, because I've definitely not giving it the attention it deserves.

Whatever happens here, I either have a viable pregnancy or not, I'm going to stop working for the next phase. If this pregnancy is non-viable, I'll go back to India, stay unemployed for atleast a few months during which I'll try my hand at IVF. If it IS viable, I'll still go back to India, chill and have all the time in the world to bite my nails and figure out what my next step is professionally. I'm glad that I have this option, and I'm really, really looking forward to not working.

My RE's office just called and offered me the choice of crinone or a (generic?) vaginal progesterone suppository. Which is better? Do either raise your blood progesterone levels?


  1. This uncertainty is so hard, I know!  If you can just make it through the next few weeks, it should get better!!!

    I used a generic vaginal progesterone suppository for my IUI's, and then it was upgraded to Crinone 8% for my IVF, because it was a stronger form of progesterone.  Then when my blood progesterone levels were a little low for my IVF (which turned into my baby, by the way...) they switched me to PIO, just in case.  Crinone will provide more progesterone than a generic suppository, but it's more expensive.  And neither will raise your blood progesterone levels, but you'll know it's getting there.

    Hope that helps.  And I really hope you get to have a nice time in India, taking care of that little baby!!!

  2. Sorry you are going through this uncertainty.

    Vaginal suppositories do not raise the blood prog numbers which is why many REs prefer PIO since that level can be measured in blood tests. I used Crinone last cycle and no side effects except it leaves a horrible deposit inside which you have to (um sorry TMI) clean out every couple of days. I used Endometrin before and preferred it. Hope this helps.

    Good luck!

  3. I was on crinone through ten weeks (11 weeks tomorrow) and it is definitely messy. And you do have the residue that needs to be fished out. Gross. But if it does what its supposed to do those things are very minor to deal with. My RE said that it doesn't enter the bloodstream so it can't be measured by a blood test. However, I had my progesterone checked again at 8 weeks and mine did rise, so it either rose on its own or some of the crinone made it into my blood. 

  4. Thanks everybody- I was actually looking for something that does not raise blood levels ( I want to see how I progress in this regard), so Crinone will be perfect, though the gunk removal part is already making me shudder.

  5. I used prometrium, taken vaginally.

  6. Yup I'm right there with you and I think the "mixed" or uncertain news is infact one of the 7 circles of hell. It's soul sucking. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

  7. Well, I truly hope that today's results are more resoundingly, uinequivocally positive, so that you can put your mind to rest.
    Hope the crinone does the trick.

  8.  I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you don;t have a blog, but if you ever want to vent about  the specifics of your situation, I'm here to listen. I hope and pray things work out for you, and also, that you know, one way or the other how things are going to go. This uncertainty IS absolutely the worst.