Monday, June 11, 2012

Part 1: The Philosophical Outburst.

In probably 2 days, the next unmediated IUI will happen. Its will only be my 4th attempt to get pregnant, but it has been a long road (over 2 years) from the starting point. Had I been told how it was going to unfold at that starting point (5 months of pregnancy in total, 2 losses, long breaks in between, 1 BFN and a very uncertain future), I'm sure I would have collapsed in utter horror. I thought this was going to be easy, y'know? And, just looking at the bare bones, what I went through sounded just horrible on paper. I'd have thought I'd be a wreck.

But- having actually lived through these two years, I don't see it as bad, or even that depressing. While 2010, the year of my 2 losses, was no picnic, I've actually enjoyed the hell out of this last year which constituted my break from the process. My personal growth, kickstarted by my losses, was something that was necessary, and I thank the powers that be that it came about. I really like the person I am today, compared to the me two years ago. The catalysts for transformation are not comfortable, or even nice things, and the catalyst here was really miscarriage # 2.  There is one small part of me that wonders if I *should* feel worse over what happened (I lost 2 babies), and whether there should be guilt that I feel so very OK. And then, my rational side kicks in.

I've talked about what one really loses in a miscarriage, and our disproportionate, yet very human response to that loss. Today, I'm glad for the place I'm in and  for the most part, cannot regret that all of this has unfolded, that I lost 2 lives that could have been mine to protect and raise. Should I feel guilt over that lack of regret? No-- because I had no choice in anything. If I could go back and be the decider as to how things would unfold, my first child would be over a year old today. Period.  But--I am utterly powerless in deciding anything, my job is to accept and deal with whatever hand fate hands me, and that knowledge sweeps away the guilt.

The very best part is, the big picture fear is gone. Sure, there is plenty of little picture angst.  If I do the IUI on Tuesday, I'm going to have two weeks of nail biting and agonizing, followed by approximately 2 days of  misery and weeping into a pillow if its a BFN. But no matter what happens, there is a solid, secret knowledge that I'm going to be fine, that one way or the other, things will resolve in a manner that will not be considered catastrophic by myself. You know where shrinks tell you to tell yourself that everything going to be ok? I've actually managed to convince myself of it, and its not because I have faith that things will work out in the end and I'll walk away with a squalling healthy baby, its more that it is a confidence that I'll be able to deal with whatever comes about and be ok. And that, my friends, is just magical.

I have my usual share of little picture geeky misgivings/fears and theories. Was going  to combine it into one giant post, But I think it can be its own separate outpouring. 


  1. I think that you are a very resilient person - and that this is a very good thing. Both in terms of the losses you've had AND the pregnancy you will (hopefully very soon) carry to term. It's also an amazing thing how individual this road is.

    I will be thinking very, very good thoughts for you this week. (And re: your previous post + your brother's wedding, people carry pregnancies so very differently. Some women look like they're about to pop at 20 months, others look barely pregnant...turns out that for me the old adage about carrying similarly to your mother was true).

  2. You are so strong & wise...having that "I'm gonna be okay no matter what" confidence is invaluable attitude. I'm really hoping this IUI will result in your take home baby.