Wednesday, June 27, 2012

feeling slightly more steady

Thank you all for your support. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this medium to vent in. I came home early from work, have been completely messed up the entire day, and hope that one day, I can look back at this and laugh at how alarmist I was. Really. 

A lot of you commented on maybe how being different from my earlier pregnancies might be a good thing. I'd want to see it that way, but the issue is, its kind of hard to imagine where lower progesterone levels might signify a better outcome. I know a lot in my physiology has changed after taking vitamin D (you change the levels of something that regulates over 3000 genes(to date) in your body, that is bound to happen), but its super confusing as well--- I've never tested progesterone since I got vitamin D replete, but a number of progesterone- related changes occured after I became replete- My luteal phages got significantly longer, my breast tenderness was very significantly increased overall, all of which you would assume was linked to higher progesterone blood levels. Instead,  the very first progesterone blood test I do (this one) shows the opposite of what one would assume, levels of this hormone are lower (!!). Oh, how I hate thee, biology.

About the beta- its not like my beta levels in the first 2 failed pregnacies were abnormally high, they were higher than around 80-90 % of all reported singleton pregnancies reported in betabase. And this fits with what other women who used my donor told me- thier early betas were very high too(and both of them went on to have perfect pregnancies)- I assumed its a donor related thing, maybe his gene set comes with an extremely strong promoter for the beta-HCG gene. I read somewhere that differences in gene promoter strength can account for the vast variation you see among different people. Either way, what I'm trying to say is, the high HCG's were not indicative of any issue, whatever the issue was in my 2 pregnancies, it was something that manifested much later (for example, pregnancy # 2, which had practically the same betas as pregnancy # 1, ended because of a genetic abnormaility). Both progressed perfectly till around the 7 week mark, and pregnancy # 2 looked textbook perfect till the 8.5 week mark.

So right now, I cannot help but look at my lowish, just above average beta and think that its an indication of something being wrong. The doubling should tell us something,I'm going in for a blood test tomorrow around 1-2 - which should be around 46-47 hours.

I can deal with things going wrong in any single instance. But, when it comes down to it, a) the question of what the hell is wrong with me and b) can it ever be fixed is what really messes up my equilibrium. But after reading around a 1000 stories of infertility and rainbows, intellectually, I know this: we may be in for a horribly long road, but somewhere, down the line, at some point, things actually go right.  You just need bucket loads of patience, and about a truckload worth of Kleenex.


  1. I'm glad you're feeling a little more stable.  Sometimes, too much knowledge can be a bad thing.  What makes studying the human body SO difficult is that there are a million variables that we don't understand  - don't even know about. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out.  

    Sometimes you just have to let go - and hope and dream for good things!  That's what I'm doing for you right now.  :)

  2. Really really hoping for you...this is your time, I'm praying.

  3. Jay, how much I wish I could say something which will make you happy and comfortable! Please do not stress yourself (I know, easier said than done!). Just enjoy the moment! Remember not everyone gets this BFP. Try to relax and I am sending you lots of good wishes and everything will go on as you expect.  (((HUGS))) RELAX!

  4. I really, really hope your numbers improve and everything turns out to be just fine.  Hang in there.

  5. I've been pregnant 4 times... sadly never for more then 10 weeks and all of them had VERY different reasons to why the pregnancies failed...But every time my number were different.

     One thing I have learned is every pregnancy is different each time my beta was different to start. I have to remember that going into this Hopeful pregnancy- I know it's not easy, Dr Google is so much easier to listen to.... Just remember that.... HCG can absorb into the blood differently each time. I've heard stories of women not being able to test until 2 or 3 weeks after their missed period, and they have healthy babies now.... I just read a blog a few weeks ago that had low number and she has a
    baby boy... Happy, Healthy and fine.... I'll see if I can find that

    Lets see a good doubling numbers!

  6. FINALLY on my laptop so I can comment properly.  I am so sorry you were stressing so bad yesterday - I truly believe that each pregnancy is different and beta levels (so long as they are in the 'normal' range) are going to be vastly different for each person for each pregnancy.  I really hope you're in a better place today and that your beta is beautifully doubling.  Which I'm sure it will be, I just have faith...  xoxo

  7. Glad you're feeling better!  Ugh - early pregnancy after miscarriage is the WORST!  You're right, you do need bucket loads of patience, and a truckload worth of Kleenex!  Thinking of you as you get through each day...

  8. Thinking of you and sending strong doubling vibes to your Beta test today.

  9. I had tried to post yesterday, but your comment form isn't iPad friendly.

    I also wanted to suggest that being different than earlier pregnancies could be good. Not because there is a scientific reason that lower progesterone could ever mean a better prognosis, because there is an emotional reason to somewhat blindly accept that different is better because a different outcome is the goal.

    I understand the scientist in you wanting to completely quantify and if that is what brings you the most comfort, than go for it.  With my latest pregnancy, I've been trying not to spend so much time analyzing and focusing on reducing stress as much as possible.  Thinking of you.