Update

Sorry, this post is from my phone as well, so no pix. It kept telling me to download google plus, and I did, and it is still not working. Blaargh.

About my little miracle:At first, everbody thought that the respiratory issues stemmed from the c-section. However, soon after birth, it became increasingly apparent that Gauri had a infection, which, from the timeline, looks more like it was acquired in utero (the pediatrician says he sees this sometimes in babies born of surrogates--that is why he started antibiotics so very soon, which turned out to be the right call to make). It responded to antibiotics, and her respiration stabilized within 36 hours, letting them start feeding her.

She is now up to full feeds (she seems to be a good eater, knock on wood) and will be discharged to my hospital room tomorrow, where her antibiotics will have to be continued. Poor baby has been stuck with an iv in three different spots already, and I'm so sorry for that, and for the fact that she had this infection to start with.

Can't wait to get out of the hospital and go home! They are taking good care of us though, and NICU staff are awesome...I'm pretty impressed.

It is a girl!

Gauri was born yesterday evening: 5.5 pounds and a miracle all in all. Great apgars. J came through the c-section fine.

Will post about how things went down soon: she is doing well, but there are mild respiratory issues (mild to moderate transient tachapnea and maybe the beginnings of a lung infection) that are keeping her in the NICU.

The poor little thing has only saline so far: they will start feeds only when the respiratory rate stabilizes, and I'm praying that happens by tomorrow: she was started on antibiotics by the neonatologist within 12 hours of birth. The mildly high respiratory rate has not worsened, but it has not improved significantly either.

But she is beautiful, fiesty, alert, and fairly stoic about all the indignities we are subjecting her to.

Pics, more details, updates coming soon: this is posted from my phone.

To all my readers who have helped me cope and survive though this winding road to this beautiful destination, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

No date set

I know some of you are checking back in for updates regularly, and I just wanted to keep you all in the loop: there is no date set for delivery. There was one (it was supposed to be the 9th), but it got scrapped. Long story, but I had little to do with this decision. J will come in for a checkup on the 9th, which is 37 weeks exactly, and the OB will decide what to do then.

I am trying be zen about things, but I will be slightly on tenterhooks till she gets checked.

It is really too bad I stopped working on the 1st of April, but the problem about that job was that it was all consuming, and I did need time off to prepare for various things.

With all this time on my hands, I really need distractions. I am reworking my way though the seasons of The Office (maybe my all-time favorite show, though I do have a lot of those). Fun ART-related piece of trivia: California Cryobank gives you the celebrity lookalike for a particular donor, and the celebrity with the most look-alikes in the CCB donor pool is apparently is John Krasinski. Sigh. That man would probably make very cute babies.

Wish me luck with the staying distracted!

10 DPO

Well, I have zero discipline.  But thankfully, in some areas, I manage to think ahead (In that I stockpiled on internet cheapies), and right now, I think the gods are smiling down on me. I can only fervently hope that they remain so benevolent for the next 9 months, and beyond.

I've been testing since 8 DPO. Yesterday (9 DPO), It still looked like a BFN, but if you stared at it for 3 minutes without blinking and held it an angle, you could see the faintest smudge of a shadow where the second line should be. That shadow which very well may have been a figment of my imagination kept me sane through yesterday. I'm glad I have a place to say this out loud without people thinking I'm nuts. Or, rather, I hope you won't.

Today, I had vowed to not test till evening, but my resolution cracked early, at around 7 am. Still a tantalizing hint of a shadow. At 2 pm today, I got that first, clear, yet super faint second line---can you see it? The test on top is actually supposed to be a more sensitive brand sold by earlypregnancytests.com , with a sensitivity of 10 mIU/ml, while the one at the bottom is thier regular one with a lower sensitivity of 20 mIU/ml, and their regular brand is actually better, IMO.

So right now, at this moment, I am pregnant. Today, I'm afraid of a chemical pregnancy. A week from now, if things continue to go well, I'll be afraid of an empty sac at at 6.5 weeks. Or twins. Twins mean I can't go back to India, because I can't chance a high risk pregnancy, with all the stuff that can go wrong there. After that, I'll be afraid of the heartbeat stopping before embryogenesis is complete. Then, comes the fear of improper development and a 5 month termination. Then, come all the multitude of the2nd and 3rd trimester fears.After birth, I'm sure there is a brand new set you inherit.

The innocence is gone. But thankfully,despite the fear, I still have the ability to truly enjoy this moment. This is a beautiful day, no matter what tomorrow brings. And I hope (and feel optimistic even) that it will bring good things. I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance.

Btw...I hope this post goes some way towards exploding the myth of FMU (first morning urine) being the most optimal to test in. I had a BFN in my FMU. But this early, beta production (and excretion in the urine) is mainly a function of time. The test at 10 pm is more likely to be darker than the test at 2 pm , which is more likely to have more beta HCG thnt the FMU collected when you just wake up

Rollercoasters

I wish this process did not have the nasty habit of taking you up to the stratosphere one minute and smashing you down to the ground the next- its been a super eventful 2 days, in other words.

Day 10 was when I got my BFP the last time. So I start testing, and past 10 in the morning, I start getting the faintest of tantalizing smudges on my test. I'm excited, but am waiting for a clear line to be sure. I wake up early this morning, expect the 'concentrated' first morning urine to give me a clear test- and nada. I freak out, but pee again 5 minutes later, and test this- super faint but distinct line! Holy schmoley I'm pregnant! Then comes the afternoon where I have my consult with my perinatologist. I request a urine test, because as you know, we all have a sick love affair with peeing into cups.  The nurse comes in after my consult is done and tells me indignantly (like I'm a crazy person who likes to invent fake pregnancies) that the urine test was negative (!!!) I leave in a daze, go to work, shut it all out for a few hours. I break down on the way home though- I'm so utterly sick of crying while driving; I've done it far too many times this year.


I get back home- take another of my cheap internet sticks- get a faint, but clear line again. By this time, I'm utterly sick of ambiguous results, so I run to the drugstore and spent 40 bucks on TWO brands of pregnancy tests (Clearblue digital and First Response)- see results!! I AM knocked up, as of now. I guess OTC tests are more sensitive than the machines the department of reproductive medicine at UCSD has-but I'm so mad at them for putting me through this nonetheless.


I'm frankly nervous about the beta increases, mostly because I've been spoilt from the last time- my first baby just LIT up the tests, and the early doubling increases were clear enough to catch even with the cheap sticks, even in a timeframe of 12 hours (!!) He was above the 95th percentile of the betabase results for any given day that we tested blood betas;Based on the earliest results (especially the increases) this little one is not like that, but I guess a detectable beta by day 10 is nothing to scoff at. I'll be honest- scary thoughts like chemical- or worse, ectopic are going through my head. I need to get the blood tests done- and the blood draws begin. More about what my perinatologist said in another post.

This should have been an utterly happy day for me- and I am kind of there now, but I'm pretty darned shaken.