How I'm faring..

I truly have the most amazing family. My mom is coming here on the 31st, and she will stay till the 12th. I leave the country just a few days after that, my ticket is booked.  I didn't go anywhere yesterday. Not to work, not to the birthday celebration of a friend, not to Philly to be with the friend who came down for the ultrasound (she really wanted me to be around people). Instead, I stayed home, holed up, read books, watched endless episodes of White Collar.  I did not even cry once, nor was I particularly sad. I was just  numb-- anybody familiar with that feeling where all of life comes at you in slow motion, like you are underwater? Today has been more of the same, though there was a bit of  a crying jag in the morning.  I am going to make myself to go out later, wear pretty clothes instead of ratty pajamas and hang out with actual people. I'm also in limbo.  I'm waiting to be rid of the physical presence of this pregnancy, and I'm eager to get karyotyping reports and the bloodwork, and then I just want to move on. Enjoy the silly, stupid things that make life colorful and fun.

I'm really looking forward to India. I'm looking forward to vegging out with family, I'm looking forward to not working,  I'm looking forward to getting seriously cute (and hot) outfits for my brothers wedding. Looking/feeling cute while you are knocked up is really not an option (since people would have looked at the unwed, visibly pregnant sister of the groom like they would a whore at church), and while I'd MUCH rather have been pregnant and scandalizing all and sundry and being the ultimate social rebel (I was planning to be open about the SMC route), I'm going to bloody enjoy the alternative since its been force-fed to me.

In my post titled 'Why does Miscarriage hurt so much' I'd expressed the desire to be more matter of fact and less attached during any particular pregnancy, so, if I had to go the distance and do this many, many times to have one healthy child, I would have the emotional where-withdrawal  be able to do so. I wanted a miscarriage "to be a stumble instead of a giant fall". The ghost of a silver lining is, I think my psyche has managed it. My first pregnancy loss hurt like crazy, the sheer unexpectedness of it knocked me for a six. I thought my second loss would finish me off, but surprisingly, the recovery was faster, which I attributed to being around family. This time, I'm actually recovering faster than even the second time--I'm getting desensitized to early pregnancy loss, for whatever that is worth.

The only things that are really bothering me:
a) The minor one: Feeling like such a screw-up. Other people have babies so easily and I've failed time and again. Its what has kept me from telling many people who I care about, but who manage to reproduce easily. I'm both proud and competitive. These are utterly pointless, foolish qualities, that keep one from truly evolving as a human being, and are utterly ridiculous applied to the area of biology, where none of us have any control about how we turn out and what issues we face. In this regard, what I'm going through may actually end up teaching me a valuable lesson, which might leave me a better person. That lesson is most definitely still a work-in-progress though- Being sad is fine, but I'm also pissed off and mainly, embarrassed that I keep screwing this up. Ugh. Stupid me.
b) The major one: I'm so, so very scared about what I might have to do, and how far and how difficult this road might be. I don't know what I'd do, if I could not have a child. I honestly just can't imagine it.

But for now-emotionally, I'm truly ok. Physically, I've started cramping a little though, no spotting yet. My mom is coming in Tuesday morning, I hope I can hang on and manage not to start miscarrying till that point.