Saturday, July 28, 2012

How I'm faring..

I truly have the most amazing family. My mom is coming here on the 31st, and she will stay till the 12th. I leave the country just a few days after that, my ticket is booked.  I didn't go anywhere yesterday. Not to work, not to the birthday celebration of a friend, not to Philly to be with the friend who came down for the ultrasound (she really wanted me to be around people). Instead, I stayed home, holed up, read books, watched endless episodes of White Collar.  I did not even cry once, nor was I particularly sad. I was just  numb-- anybody familiar with that feeling where all of life comes at you in slow motion, like you are underwater? Today has been more of the same, though there was a bit of  a crying jag in the morning.  I am going to make myself to go out later, wear pretty clothes instead of ratty pajamas and hang out with actual people. I'm also in limbo.  I'm waiting to be rid of the physical presence of this pregnancy, and I'm eager to get karyotyping reports and the bloodwork, and then I just want to move on. Enjoy the silly, stupid things that make life colorful and fun.

I'm really looking forward to India. I'm looking forward to vegging out with family, I'm looking forward to not working,  I'm looking forward to getting seriously cute (and hot) outfits for my brothers wedding. Looking/feeling cute while you are knocked up is really not an option (since people would have looked at the unwed, visibly pregnant sister of the groom like they would a whore at church), and while I'd MUCH rather have been pregnant and scandalizing all and sundry and being the ultimate social rebel (I was planning to be open about the SMC route), I'm going to bloody enjoy the alternative since its been force-fed to me.

In my post titled 'Why does Miscarriage hurt so much' I'd expressed the desire to be more matter of fact and less attached during any particular pregnancy, so, if I had to go the distance and do this many, many times to have one healthy child, I would have the emotional where-withdrawal  be able to do so. I wanted a miscarriage "to be a stumble instead of a giant fall". The ghost of a silver lining is, I think my psyche has managed it. My first pregnancy loss hurt like crazy, the sheer unexpectedness of it knocked me for a six. I thought my second loss would finish me off, but surprisingly, the recovery was faster, which I attributed to being around family. This time, I'm actually recovering faster than even the second time--I'm getting desensitized to early pregnancy loss, for whatever that is worth.

The only things that are really bothering me:
a) The minor one: Feeling like such a screw-up. Other people have babies so easily and I've failed time and again. Its what has kept me from telling many people who I care about, but who manage to reproduce easily. I'm both proud and competitive. These are utterly pointless, foolish qualities, that keep one from truly evolving as a human being, and are utterly ridiculous applied to the area of biology, where none of us have any control about how we turn out and what issues we face. In this regard, what I'm going through may actually end up teaching me a valuable lesson, which might leave me a better person. That lesson is most definitely still a work-in-progress though- Being sad is fine, but I'm also pissed off and mainly, embarrassed that I keep screwing this up. Ugh. Stupid me.
b) The major one: I'm so, so very scared about what I might have to do, and how far and how difficult this road might be. I don't know what I'd do, if I could not have a child. I honestly just can't imagine it.

But for now-emotionally, I'm truly ok. Physically, I've started cramping a little though, no spotting yet. My mom is coming in Tuesday morning, I hope I can hang on and manage not to start miscarrying till that point.


  1. Sending you lots of love. Nothing you can control or that you did caused this miscarriage I know you know this. Please be kind to yourself.

  2. I'm so glad your mom can come and that you will be in the loving arms of family. Take each moment as it comes. And I second Nurslouisa on being good to yourself. That's all you can do at this point. 

    As far as the bigger question - the karyotyping will, very hopefully, give you some answers. As well as the RPL panel they're running. May it be something clear, and easily fixable. 

  3. I am glad that you are doing alright.  I completely understand both the things that are bothering you.  When I first began trying, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops.  Pretty soon, I stopped talking to people about it.  Try after try, I didn't want to keep telling people that it wasn't working.  And regarding the second, I hope that whatever you end up doing to become a mother will feel just right (not too far or too much).  I am glad your mom is coming.  My thoughts are with you.  Enjoy India and not having people stare at you with scorn.

  4. I've been checking in periodically.  I'm glad your mom is coming to be with you and that you will be with your family soon.  Hopefully it will help you heal sooner.  You are in my thoughts.  

  5. Try not to be hard on yourself.  I went through the same thing - 3 losses and then a RPL panel.  There were no real answers in my case which was the hardest thing for me to accept but on my next try, 1 month after my D&C, I was pregnant again with twins.  And this one stuck.  My heart breaks for what you're going through right now.  You sound strong though - stronger than you may think.  Thinking of you.

  6. So glad that your Mom can come over and be with you. You are indeed blessed with a wonderful family. Hope you get some answers from your RPL tests. Take care of yourself and enjoy your stay in India and your brothers wedding.

  7. I am so sorry for your loss Jay. I'm glad your mother will be coming over and then you can go to India soon and be with the rest of your family. I'm also glad that you are coping better with this loss but I really wish that you didn't have a loss to cope with again. Once again, I'm so sorry.

  8. Time with family sounds perfect for you right now. And I second the looking smoking-hot at a wedding plan. I'm sure that will give you a little lift just when you desperately need one.

    I'm so sorry, Jay. Miscarriage is awful. I hate it. I hate the fear about the future that always come with it. I hate that we can't predict it, can't prevent it, so often don't know why it happens. As others have said, I know so many cases of multiple miscarriages followed by a baby that-- for some reason-- sticks around. So random. It gives hope, but also sadness--why not this baby, right now?

    I hate that you're wading through these questions again.

  9. YOU are not failing. YOU are not a failure.
    HUGS. I am so sorry for your loss :(

  10. I'm really glad your mom can come and be with you, and that she will be there today. I'm also glad for you that this m/c doesn't feel as utterly devastating as the first one. Not that this one is great or anything. I know that underneath the numbness, you must feel a lot of pain.
    It is hard not to blame oneself when something like this occurs. It feels like such a failure on our part, and a betrayal of the body. It's hard to anchor ourselves at the fact that we are not responsible for this. You have done EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything, you could to make this pregnancy successful. And even in the face of this tragedy, you are able to focus on doing more (ie RPL panel).
    I believe that you will be a mother, Jay. I know that in my heart.   

  11. Oh Jay, I'm so very sorry for this loss.  I'm glad your mom is coming to help you through this.  Sending you love as you heal...