Monday, July 23, 2012


I'm sure some of you reading are wondering why I freak out when there seems to be no cause to freak out- my pregnancy so far looks pretty routine, with everything checking out, even the little lag in growth seems like no cause for alarm at this point.

I've seen my way through 2 textbook 'perfect' pregnancies so far. Great HCG rises, great progesterone. They say, after you see a heartbeat, your chances of success are 95 %. I had perfect ultrasounds at the 6-7 week point for both pregnancies, with strong heartbeats in both.   In the first pregnancy, by the end of the 7th week the baby was almost 6 days behind, and that was a red flag, but nobody was concerned, because hey, the bad stuff happens to other people. My second pregnancy was perfect almost to the end of the 9th week. With a predicted 95 % chance for sucess in both cases,  I miscarried twice.

I'm just trying to explain why I cannot relax, or trust the excellent odds I've been given. Augusta bought up a terrific point, that we just keep expecting the past to repeat itself, its human nature. But I also remind myself that each pregnancy is like a snowflake- truely unique. The problems that ended the first pregnancy were nothing like what ended my second pregnancy, and if I can be reasonably certain of anything, it is that this pregnancy is likely to be nothing like my first two. That is not any sort of guarentee that it will continue, only that it is likely different.

About how I'm feeling- OMG, do I have a baby bump now. There is no weight or mass gain, its just that internally, everything is redistributed and my belly is significantly distended. It probably is more apparent because I am super petite.  I think that old wives tale is true- you do show faster in subsequent pregnancies. Overall, I've lost a couple of pounds- I'm not even eating that much, just having small things throughout the day. I've also been feeling vaguely ill the past couple of days, its *almost* a queasy feeling, further limiting quantity of food consumed. I've also been feeling twingy & crampy in the uterus region today, which is new for this pregnancy.

Mildly twingy & crampy is ok, but around the time that my second pregnancy ended (on the day the heartbeat stopped), I had seriously strong, painful cramps that night. I was out with friends, we were playing boardgames, I remember this rush of adrenalin around the time the cramps began, my heart was almost trying to beat its way out of my chest, I was so very unsettled and did not know why. The timing of that with the stoppage of the heartbeat was an interesting coincidence, sometimes, you have to wonder whether your body registers it at a subconscious level. For now, there is none of that. Just mild twinges. Yay. One day at a time.

I wrote this post for one reason--Lots of new pregnancies everywhere, I see the excitement caused by good news at the early ultrasounds, the optimism, the hope. And that is what the people who come reading are comfortable with, I don't think most people know how to react to the darker, more pessimistic tone of the posts I'm putting out-- its like- why is she so afraid?  I hope this one goes towards explaining that.

But with the fear, intermingled in that, is beautiful, amazing hope. Right now she is kept tethered to my subconscious, with my conscious taking up a wait-and-see approach, but she is still there.


  1. Of course you are worried & concerned. You have an amazing attitude considering what you've been thru. I am hoping & praying the results in your take home baby.

  2. I 100% get where you are coming from and just know that everything you are feeling/thinking is completely normal given your history. My first two pregnancies ended in rather traumatic miscarriages, followed by very messed up cycles and lots of fertility meds to try to help. Needless to say, it is nearly impossible for me to trust my body anymore. I just can't. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with my 3rd pregnancy, and I hate to say this, but I still struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY with a relentless fear that my baby will die. Nothing makes me feel reassured... I expected to feel better after getting further than I'd been before (10 weeks), but instead I felt worse. This really confused me, but my husband wisely pointed out that it makes sense b/c the further I get, the higher the stakes are. It's true. I still expect to lose this baby b/c that's all I know, so the further along I get, the more real that fear gets. That doesn't mean I don't have good, hopeful days, b/c I do. It just means that based on my history, this is what pregnancy is for me: It's a lot of anxiety and fear, and that's just the way it is. And that's ok. That won't change the outcome of this pregnancy, either way. All I'm saying is, we have to be gentle with ourselves and try to not worry about what other people think (I struggle with that, nonetheless). My mom (and pretty much everyone else I know who hasn't had a miscarriage) just can't understand why I can't just be happy and joyful about this pregnancy. I do my best to explain where I am emotionally, but in the end, they can't understand. I'm rambling, but I guess I just wanted you to know you're NOT alone in your fears and you are handling this pregnancy the very best you can. And that's enough. Praying for things to go smoothly from here on out for you!

  3. thanks for the shout out, and I'm glad that my comment resonated in some small way.
    I want to say that I respect that you are terrified right now, and I would never want my comments to sounds dismissive of your feelings, because that is not at all what I want to convey. After two losses that happened AFTER the 95% safe zone, it is absolutely expected that you would be scared and uncertain, dear woman. Grief from those losses is visiting you in a big way right now, as you go through 'anniversary' milestones with this new pregnancy.
    I'm truly so glad to read that you also have hope in your heart. There is reason to have hope right now. I guess fear and hope (for you and for me, darling) will have to continue to co-exist side by side for now.   

  4. Hi Emily, Thank you for your kind comment. This process absolutely does a number of us, and each loss is truly traumatic in a unique way, and of course, though we think we may be ok, we still continue to react to that trauma for a long time, maybe for ever.   I'm so glad your pregnancy is going well and you are heading towards the safe zone. Do you have a blog? I'd love to follow.  

  5. Jay, it's totally normal and understandable that pregnancy takes you to a dark, scary place--as much as you are very happy and excited to be pregnant at the same time! I felt the same way. Missed miscarriage is really freaking traumatizing-- that feeling of delusion, that you thought everything was okay when it was all wrong and you had no way of knowing. I was a wreck throughout my first tri with Smudgie and only slowly got more relaxed in second and third tris (still with lots of freakouts, lots of panic, lots of dark thoughts). Which is to say-- your feelings are normal, your fears are understandable. But they are not prophesies and there is every reason to hope and expect that this pregnancy will be normal and successful, despite the past.

  6. One day at a time is right, and the right approach. It's very hard to be light-of-heart when you've been burned previously (twice, in your case). And it's very hard to take "everything looks good" at face value when things have looked good before. BUT, the past does not necessarily repeat itself (I'm living proof) and very hopefully this one looks good because it IS good.