Friday, July 20, 2012

Ramblings from pregnancy brain

I've now entered that zone where time moves like molasses, and I'm far too preoccupied with the million dollar question: What is the Fate of this Pregnancy?

Although some my earlier posts sounded alarmist, for the most time, I was actually able to not obsess on this subject and life was fairly comfortable.But each ultrasound produces such upheaval.  Its literally like waiting for the Sword of Damocles to drop.

For the first 24 hours after the last one, it was awful, I could barely think of anything else. That night, I went out to a Broadway play (Newsies---review, its decent, not fabulous). This question was running in the background all the bloody way. I've done so many google queries on delayed growth, I'm now sick of the subject. The verdict is (drumroll please) it can go either way. DOH. Thank all of you who chimed in with stories. They really, really helped. I absolutely know that this can end well, its just that I also remain painfully aware of the alternate scenario.  But anyway, as predicted, I've calmed down now and am just going with the flow. Still time is moving by a bit too slowly. Should have a post on possible distractions.

This pregnancy remains completely abstract to me. I cannot possibly bring myself even to put up the pregnancy countdown widget, and find out what is developing in my baby at this very minute. I dug up some photos of how an embryo is supposed to look at this point, and compared it to my 2nd ultrasound pic, which is sharply defined, and its slightly reassuring when I play the utterly pointless game of comparing it to pregnancy #1, which was chromosomal normal, but with rapidly slowing growth between week 6-8 and looked entirely formless at both ultrasounds (yes, I am nuts and this is entirely illogical and ultrasounds are effected by the angle implanted, yada yada, but whatever makes me sleep better at night, right?). Is'nt it also amazing how different each pregnancy looks? I have not found 2 ultrasounds on the internet that look the same,even at the very same point.

I occasionally talk to my uterus, doing my best to let this baby know how much I love him/her and how I'd give anything for him/her to be ok, and how there is a world of people waiting to take care of him or her, but  that is it. I am utterly unable to process the likely miraculous potential of what is happening in me at all. I guess its an innate defense mechanism.

There is a part of me that is sadly envious of anybody who can get excited about a beating heart. I never even got excited and squealy like most people get on seeing that heartbeat, it was more been more like, been here, seen that, what is the next part?? It is painful (and sad) to lose that joy, to instead obsess about this process from the perspective of how many bloody millimeters the fetal pole has grown, and where you will be 2 weeks later.  I hope that this with this round, I get the privilege of reclaiming that simple wonder somewhere along the way. I think it can come back partly with new milestones crossed, lets see if I get to cross any of them.

This pregnancy is different in another way, this time, I have a friend with me always. Next week, the person who has been coming with me (love ya, V) is out of town. Another friend (instrumental in shoring up my sanity through this process) is traveling from Philadelphia for the day, just to be there for me. Words fail me as to how amazing that gesture and this person is. I hope we get good news, for her sake as well as mine. People other than me are going to be genuinely hurt if this one does not work out. I don't even want to think about how this might hurt my family.

Anyway, if I don't post again (like I can hold out that long), the ultrasound will be next Thursday, when I'll be 8 weeks and 2 days along. I'm not going to my RE (since he can see me only in the mornings), but I found an OB, which works better for my friend who will get here by afternoon. This practice sounds fancy, I'm excited!

On a side note: I had people email me that they were having issues commenting to discus- If you have problems, could you let me know?  If its a widespread problem, I'll have to look into deleting it. 


  1. I recently just started reading your blog and can relate quite a bit. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out amazing! On a totally different note, I am going to see newsies this weekend and am completely ecstatic because it was my all time favorite movie! And I was just extremely excited that someone else has seen it. I hope you hear GREAT news Thursday and I'll be thinking of you.

  2. Thanks so much!!  Newsies was fun, I really loved the female lead, and there is lots of eye candy in the show, which never hurts :) Enjoy!

  3. I can't even imagine how agonizing this is for you! I'm sorry it's so difficult.

    I'm cheering for you from the sidelines and hoping for the best news!

  4. I liked your blog and I posted similar to yours....

    early signs of pregnancy

  5. Lovely Jay, this is not at all easy, is it? I'm so sorry it's been torture for you. Thursday seems so far away (but you can somehow count on it getting here - it will).
    I think that as a society, we very much live according to the idea that the past predicts the future. Many of our models of human development follow that logic. But it isn't the whole story, and I think to be fully alive means to let go of a deterministic view. You don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, and it may be different than the ones you've had before (easier to say than to believe - I know).
    I'm really glad that you have such amazing and suportive friends by your side, and that there will be someone with you at the ultrasound. I truly hope that you are in for some magic and wonder with this pregnancy.
    My thoughts are with you a lot these days. I like to imagine us having babies within a few days of each other in the near future.

  6. Michaela SzidloskiJuly 20, 2012 at 8:17 PM

    I really know that feeling of not being able to get excited and excitement being replace with fear. 

    I do hope you get to enjoy this pregnancy and all goes well!

    I'm praying that Thursday gives you all the reassurance that you need. 

  7. Dear Augusta, there are some things that people say that just perfectly hit the spot and were exactly what you needed to hear. Thank you for saying that here, this comment made me cry up a little. I've thought of us having babies around the same time and its such a lovely, lovely thing- I think my conscious  is too afraid to dream and hope, but my sub-conscious does so all the time. That is what is keeping me up up.  I'm going praying and hoping for great news for you on Monday. The universe totally owes us both babies that are born within days of each other.

  8.  Thanks Micheala. I've been rooting for you, one way or the other, I want your story to get into high gear SOON!

  9.  Thanks Abby. I really appreciate all the support and goodwill coming my way, it really helps.

  10. Dear Jay--
    Time moves slowly but Thursday will arrive and when it does I will be beaming healthy baby vibes your way. Each pregnancy is different and each one is a chance at a take home healthy baby. Believe. This is your chance.

  11. I'm pulling for you hoping this time is the one. So good you have such generous & caring friends.

    As for disqus, I have trouble about 30% of the time, most often when I'm trying to comment from my iPhone

  12. Jay, I wait for the other shoe to drop and I haven't had repeated losses.  It's so understandable.  I'm glad you will have a friend with you.  Hopefully this week will hold good news for both of us.  Take care of yourself!

  13.  Louisa, Thank you.  You are so right, each pregnancy IS a snowflake, utterly unique.  I hope you are in a slightly better place, I think of you a lot. Take care of yourself, and thanks for being there for me, I know how hard that is at a time like this.

  14.  Thank you Tiara. I don;t say this enough, I truly, truly am so thankful for the steadfast support you offer.

  15.  Thanks Nell. I'll be praying for you, keep us posted!