Friday, July 27, 2012

Over

The 3rd time, is not the charm apparently. The baby measured 6w5d, with no heartbeat. I am so very thankful my friend from Philly was there, she literally held my hand through that and the staff of OB clinic was very kind. They immediately whisked me off for the full RPL panel, an eye popping 22 tubes.

I'm too chicken for a natural miscarriage, and it also makes it harder to collect the fetal material for karyotyping. So a D&C will be scheduled at the earliest, latest by next Thursday. I don;t want to wait too long, just in case they cannot make the fetal cells grow. Its imperative that I get that karyotype done. I really want a chromosomally abnormal verdict, the alternative points to a much harder to deal with scenario. 

Somebody called me resilient, and I most definitely am that. I will get through this, and I'm pretty determined to not let it bury me under a shadow for too long. I really, really want my mother, especially for the day of the D&C though, and for after. As I told my friend- its better to have people around you, but they have to be the right people, only the ones you love and trust to that degree, who you can allow to see you break down, temporarily. And my mother heads up that short list. But she is in India, she has a medical practice that she just can't abandon. We'll see, I'm really dreading telling them tonight.

And of course- what is going on as a refrain in my head- WTF is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening? And..the hardest one to face- can it EVER be fixed?

I'm don't have the problem of declining egg quality and I thought my *maybe* PCOS was tackled, or so I believed. Very boggy, scary ground indeed, but in a while, everything may be hopefully clearer than it is now.

44 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I hope the blood work and karyotyping helps to give you some answers. So sorry : (

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  2. I'm sorry to hear this.  You have such an amazingly strong outlook, especially so close to finding this out.  You are, indeed, resilient. 

    I was too chicken for a natural miscarriage as well.  I totally get it.  I hopt they can get you scheduled very soon!

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  3. Arohanui MyCheapViolinJuly 27, 2012 at 3:34 AM

    Oh Jay, I'm so gutted to read this and I'm really sorry your mum isn't there to hold you. Let my virtual hug embrace you for a brief moment. Good luck with the D&C and the karyotyping. Kia kaha sister xx

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  4. I'm so very sorry this happening to you again. I hope you get some definitive answers that will make the future clearer as far as what needs to be done differently. I'm thankful your friend was there with you, and only wish you could get that hug from your mama now too. Sending thoughts and prayers your way, friend!

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  5. Jay, I wish I could come through the Internet and give you a very big hug. I'm so sorry. I also agree that the karyotype is critical. I wish there were something I could do or say but I know there isn't. Please take good care of yourself.

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  6. Jay, I am so very sorry. I am not sure what I can say to comfort you but just know that I am thinking of you and sending you lots of healing energy. This is so not fair. Please take care of yourself.

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  7. I'm so very sorry.

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  8.  Ah damn.  I am so very sorry.  This is just plain wrong.  Thinking of you.

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  9. Jay, I am so sorry to hear this.  I am sending you big hugs.  

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  10. Michaela SzidloskiJuly 27, 2012 at 5:17 AM

    I can't believe this! I am so sorry! My heart hurts. There are no words. 

    I have had both, a natural miscarriage and a D&C and trust me, the D&C is the way to go. 

    Once again I am so, so sorry! 

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  11. Oh, Jay, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you again. You *are* resilient, amazingly so - an inspiration to us all. I really hope they are able to find out what is going wrong and how to avoid it in the future. I will be praying for you.

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  12. I am so sad to hear this news.  

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  13. Oh Jay, this was the last thing I expected to read from you tonight.  There are no words to fully express how sorry I am.   It's devastating, no matter how it happens - but like you said, at least with the D&C, you will have some answers.
    I'm glad you have such a good friend to be with you.  I hope you're able to lay low for the next week - spend some quality time on the couch to just be.  Thinking of you...

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  14. Oh, Jay, I am so sorry!  I was hoping that this week would hold good news for you.  This completely sucks!  

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  15. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.  Have been following your blog for a few months now and always appreciate your posts and information (I had my third miscarriage in May and your topics have helped me ask my doctors meaningful and relevant questions).  Hope you get some answers. Take care of yourself.  

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  16. sitting here crying, feeling so sad and angry for you. I am so sorry, sweet woman.
    I hope that a trusted friend can be with you the day of and the day after the D&C. You will need someone close by.
    You are very resilient. Part of that is taking the time you need to grieve. I know that you will have hope again someday, and that you will be a mother. 

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  17. Oh Jay I am so very sorry. I wish I had words to make this better & answers, I wish I had answers for you but all I come up with is sucks & not fair & othe expletives better left unwritten. I'm just so sorry

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  18. Just wanted to offer my condolences.  I'm so very sorry you are having to deal with this...again.  Words fail.

    I hope that your testing gives you some answers, at least.

    Tara

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  19. That sucks so much!  I am so sorry!!

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  20. Sad to read this.  Resilient you are...let that strength guide you through this.  Wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug.

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  21. Oh Jay, I am so, so sorry. Truly. You know I know how boggy, how scary, how terrible RPL is. I just so wish you didn't have to be going through this right now. I hope they can get to the bottom of this. A simple chromosomal answer would be nice (I suppose.... None of this is fair or nice in the least, though). Thinking of you. Please let me know if there is any way I can help.


    Mo

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  22. I am so sorry.
    Sending you nothing but hugs and tons of thoughts.

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  23. I'm so sorry, Jay.  This is just unbelievably unfair.  I'm thinking of you.

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  24. Oh no, I'm so sorry. That's just freaking unfair.

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  25. This just sucks.  So sorry to hear your news.

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  26. I am so sorry. I had really hoped this was it for you. You'll be on my mind in the coming days and weeks. I hope that the blood tests and karyotype yield some answers for you.

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  27. I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope you get to see your mom soon. It's is so unfair, an awful mystery. I hope that you get some answers.

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  28. Damn it!  That is so unfair and I'm so sorry you have to go through this again.  You will get through it, of course, but it doesn't make it any less devastating.  As you know there are many IFers who have gone on to have viable pregnancies and take-home babies after multiple losses... I strongly believe you will be one of them, but I sincerely hope you don't have to go through this s**t any more before it happens.

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  29. Really, so sorry. How horrible to do this again.

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  30. This just sucks.  

    I'm so sorry, Jay.  

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  31. Fertility GoddessJuly 27, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    Jay, I don't know what to say! How much I wished all your fears become nothing and you have a baby in your hands soon. I am very sorry, Jay. I know what a mother's intuition is.  We somehow know what is happening to our youngone even if it is just an embryo or foetus. Jay, take care! I know that Jay is a very strong woman. I will be thinking of you. (((Hugs)))

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  32. I am so so sorry.  Thinking of you.

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  33. I am so very sorry. I wish I had the perfect words to say. My heart goes out to you-as someone who has been in a similar situation. I hope the RPL panel finally gives you some answers.

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  34. I am so, so sorry.  I feel horrible for you, and can imagine that you're feeling betrayed by your body.  WTF indeed.  I hate this.

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  35. I am so so sorry for your loss.  I know the pain of recurrent loss, and the questioning that goes with it.  Its devasting and totally unfair.  I'll be thinking of you.

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  36. Mary (SMC in MN)July 27, 2012 at 6:56 PM

    So very sorry for your loss.  I am in disbelief & horror that this  happened to you again.  My thoughts are with you.

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  37. Soul crushing.  I am so very sorry, and I wish there were anything enlightening to say about this other than THIS.SUCKS.ROCKS.  Hugs.

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  38. Well, fuck. I'm so sorry to hear this news. But man oh man are you resistant. I lost the pregnancy game 5 times with pregnancies much like yours (perfect u/s, perfect u/s, slowed growth, no heartbeat) and I gave up. Couldn't do it anymore, even though all my docs told me to keep trying. I admire your spirit. We're pursuing adoption now and I'm thrilled with the whole process, but man, those RPL scars are fierce.  Hoping you get some answers.
    xx

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  39. Aniruddha MalpaniJuly 28, 2012 at 1:21 AM

    Dear Jay,

    Life can be very unfair sometimes.

    Please ask them to do FISH/ array CGH if you want to check the chromosomal status of the fetus.  Standard cell culture for karyotype does not work well for patients with missed abortion, as the cells may not grow well in vitro

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  40. Oh shit I'm so sorry I was really pulling for you, crap so freakin unfair. I'm so so sorry.

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  41. I'm sorry to hear this news. I hope you get some answers. And I'm so sorry your mom can't be there with you. My mom is deceased and I know the feeling of just really really wanting mom there with you.  Take good care of yourself.

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  42. I am beyond sorry. This is maddening and so unfair. I hope very much for answers and that you are going through this again. My thoughts are with you and pray for some answers.

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  43. I'm so sorry to hear this one wasn't the one. I hope the testing/karyotyping give you some answers.

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  44. I am so sorry.  There are no words.

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