Over

The 3rd time, is not the charm apparently. The baby measured 6w5d, with no heartbeat. I am so very thankful my friend from Philly was there, she literally held my hand through that and the staff of OB clinic was very kind. They immediately whisked me off for the full RPL panel, an eye popping 22 tubes.

I'm too chicken for a natural miscarriage, and it also makes it harder to collect the fetal material for karyotyping. So a D&C will be scheduled at the earliest, latest by next Thursday. I don;t want to wait too long, just in case they cannot make the fetal cells grow. Its imperative that I get that karyotype done. I really want a chromosomally abnormal verdict, the alternative points to a much harder to deal with scenario. 

Somebody called me resilient, and I most definitely am that. I will get through this, and I'm pretty determined to not let it bury me under a shadow for too long. I really, really want my mother, especially for the day of the D&C though, and for after. As I told my friend- its better to have people around you, but they have to be the right people, only the ones you love and trust to that degree, who you can allow to see you break down, temporarily. And my mother heads up that short list. But she is in India, she has a medical practice that she just can't abandon. We'll see, I'm really dreading telling them tonight.

And of course- what is going on as a refrain in my head- WTF is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening? And..the hardest one to face- can it EVER be fixed?

I'm don't have the problem of declining egg quality and I thought my *maybe* PCOS was tackled, or so I believed. Very boggy, scary ground indeed, but in a while, everything may be hopefully clearer than it is now.