My thoughts and feelings are tangled and twisted at the moment and maybe writing it out will offer catharsis and well as clarity. Surprisingly, I'm actually doing ok about 80% of the time. Surrounded by my family, with its collection of 2 dogs and one cat, I'm coping far better than I ever would have had I stayed in San Diego.
But, there still is that 20%. There are short horrible stretches when you feel like you are drowning and cannot figure out how to stay afloat. Last night, I was jet lagged and could sleep for two hours at a time. Each time when I woke up, I was filled with the most negative, bleak feelings and I started crying, and I ended up waking up my mom. She asked me this, why on earth am I hell bent on torturing myself? She told me I HAD to figure out a way to make this stop. Tough love, but she is absolutely right. When you are a person struggling with infertility, failure is like corrosive acid on your psyche. Fear is a demon and we welcome it in, we wallow in it and our pain, and to what end? Its not going to give us the ending we want and it achieves nothing.
So whatever happens, I have to find a way to make peace. If I have to wait 5 years or 10 to get that child I want, by whatever route, I have to find a mental balance, a state of tranquility in that period. I have to find a way to go back to the happy and even keeled person I normally am and stop wallowing like a pig in self pity. Oh I lost 2 babies. Oh I have to go back to my sucky real life in a month, compounded by a move to a bitterly cold city (biggest gripe, ha) when I know no one Oh I don't know why, despite being pretty good at getting pregnant., something strong and nasty and unidentifiable is killing my babies. Yeah these things suck, but turning into a basket case in response serves no purpose. I'm young, healthy, have options, and there is still plenty in life that offers joy, I just have to turn myself to those things while life makes me wait, for however long, to have that baby. Most importantly, I also have to make peace with the remote possibility that the child I will eventually have might not be related to me by blood.
How do I do this? Giving myself this pep talk really helps. For the first time in my life, I'm going to see a shrink. I don't know what else will do it, but I have to figure it out, and nobody can tell me how. Its a really important life lesson and my managing to learn it would be the silver lining in this process.
Infertility is a bitch and I'm not going to let it slap me around.
Jay - good for you! I'm glad you're finding you can lean on your family and that despite the struggle, you're looking forward. It may not always feel easy or genuine, but when I'm willing to look forward it always ends up helping. As you likely know from my blog, I'm in therapy and I can't advocate enough for it. Sometimes it takes some time to find a therapist you gel with, but it can be a great support system and growth opportunity. One day at a time. Sending out love to you.
ReplyDeleteJay, you are in my thoughts. As Randi says, theray can be a wonderful thing. I am glad that you are with your family right now. Hope they are surrounding you with lots and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever commented on here before but you sound like you have at least figured out something that takes us all awhile to figure out. I'm praying for you and hopefully you will get that wonderful sticky bean soon.
ReplyDeleteMeemaw
There is nothing wrong with getting help through therapy. It will do wonders for the soul and psyche just to be able to process your thoughts and emotions. It may also help you find an appropriate way to grieve so that you can move forward with an open heart. Good luck, Love! We're all rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteIt takes tremendous strength and awareness to admit you need help getting through a tough time. I think going to therapy is a wise decision as it can give you the space and time to process your thoughts and emotions. It is particularly helpful when you have no one around you whom you can really share those things with. You have such a tenacious spirit that I don't doubt for a second you will find your way towards peace of mind and to holding your child in your arms one day.
ReplyDeleteJay, you are so strong. Knowing when to reach out for help is so valuable.
ReplyDeleteJay, late catching up here. Was at my mom's with almost no net time (tried to (unsuccessfully) install a router for her), and just saw your recent posts. I'm so sorry. It really sucks.
ReplyDeleteGlad you've decided to go for help. I recently found a therapist who specializes in infertility/loss/smc/donor gamete issues. I'll be glad to pass on her info to you for when you move to our cold city. I wish I'd found her sooner.
Jay - I am glad you are finding home a great place to recover. As far as going to a city where you know no one, I live an hour outside and even though you don't really know me maybe I can show you some of the city. From everyone I know that has lived there, you will a lot of people fast and they are good people too.
ReplyDeleteJay - thinking of you today and wanting you to know I've awarded you the cherry on top award. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteJay, I know you are going through a difficult time but you will get through this. I know it. You are surrounded by a supportive family and your blog sisters. Take good care of yourself..
ReplyDeleteI also wanted you to know that I've nominated you for the "Cherry on Top" blog award.
ReplyDeleteThere's something to be said for a little bit of wallowing - I think it's necessary for healing. But I understand your conflicted feelings completely; even though I only had one loss, I felt a lot of what you're feeling now, but perhaps on a smaller scale. I think talking to someone is a very good idea - both to work through your grief now and to be able to figure out how to cope with all that's ahead.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you often, and I'm so glad you're with family right now!