Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wanting to feel crappy

Until the start of this week, Turbulence was a very, very good girl. She made me upchuck the entire bag of greasy popcorn I had consumed at the movies on Sunday. She made me cramp on and off too. I was miserable, but ecstatic to have such proof that she is doing well. Who cares if you look horrible and green outside when you are beaming mentally within?

Past three days, there has not been so much going on. There is the occasional mild wave of nausea (so mild I convince myself that its *really* there). Not much heartburn. Very little to no cramping. And of course, I'm miserable. I alternate between feelings of optimism and doom so violently I'm giving myself whiplash. 

My ultrasound is tomorrow, and it won't be a moment too soon.

And of course, my brain being the hyperactive thing that it is, I'm running through my mental lists. What is the possibility of a second miscarriage at this point?

Very, very low. Thyroid ( a possible issue in the last pregnancy), has been dealt with. I don't seem to have other antibody-related autoimmune issues. As far as overactive T and NK cells (linked to the thyroid issue by certain studies) go,  who knows, but those are usually an issue with implantation, and as we all know, I have absolutely no worries in that area.

About the thrombophilias, it seems highly unlikely. I had read a paper a while ago which looked at Indian women with recurrent m/cs. The authors examined the possible causes and found thrombophilias did not crop up. Also, there is my vast, unbelievably fecund family. Everybody reproduces without trying. My family does NOT have pregnancy losses, atleast, not that I know of. What they have, is lots and lots of babies. They are the disgustingly fertile lot everybody wants to desperately be, myself included.   
And finally, there is genetics. Although chromosomes  were normal, my overactive imagination has conjured up scenarios where there is a highly unusual single gene incompatibility between me and my donor, in such a case, 25 % of all of our kids would be at risk. Yes, knowing too much is an UTTER curse, combine with this a tendency towards neurosis and you've got yourself a nail-biting monster on your hands. I wish I was like my mom, she is calm, thinks positive, and nothing ever rattles her.  She is the calm center in any crisis. Wish those genes had not passed me by!  Hopefully they will skip a generation and show up in Turbulence.

My one loss was an unusual and mostly inexplicable one so I've got some reason to be nervous .But then, the possibility of a second loss is statistically very low and a lot of bases have been examined and covered.  This much fear is unreasonable. I'm just utterly glad I'm having frequent ultrasounds, and right now I just wish I would upchuck and cramp so I could get through the days in between comfortably.


  1. This much fear may be unreasonable but definitely NOT unnatural...of course you're going to worry & stress...pregnancy after a loss does that to you, believe me. I'm so glad you have an u/s tomorrow & this will ease your mind...for now anyway :) Try to remain calm & positive. Big Hug

  2. I've read that pregnancy symptoms are worse some days, better other days. I hope you've felt more symptoms as the day progressed, just to put your mind at ease. Tomorrow will DEFINITELY put your mind at ease... can't wait to read all about it!

  3. Here's to hoping you puke your guts up! :)

  4. Although I can't begin to empathize with the extent of your first loss, I can understand how fear can cast a shadow on everything.

    I hope tomorrow's ultrasound gives you a little "light" so the shadow doesn't hover around for too long.

  5. Jay.. just a few more hours till your u/s.. hang in there. Be strong for the Baby Turbulence.

  6. Your ultrasound is almost here! Yay!

    It's normal for pregnancy symptoms to wax and wane - yet that doesn't keep me from freaking out, either. Last week I was worried because all was quiet in my uterus, this week I'm worried because I'm feeling all that stretching again (and every time it returns, it's just a little bit different!) So I guess I'm saying you're normal to have all the anxiety - I've just about decided it won't go away. Ever. LOL

  7. Sorry for the nausea and hopefilly it will reside after the 1st trimester. Fortunately never had it, even while prego with girls. :o) Happy to hear you'll be getting frequent U/S's so you can put your mind at ease. Have a great weekend & make sure you get plenty of rest!

  8. I have days where I feel so sick and days that I feel great - it does freak me out too. I hope your unltrasound went well.