Friday, November 26, 2010

What needs to be done.

I'll be flying out to India tomorrow, I'll have the D&C there and they can do a karyotype of the embryo. After that, the healing process begins.

I keep thinking, why does this tear us up so much? There is the love you have for that 7-20 mm mass you have growing inside you which was going to be your baby, but honestly, that bereavement is much easier to handle than losing your baby after having known him or her, or even at birth- that pain has to be unimaginable. You cannot really bond with you baby this early on, never having felt him or her, but yet you love the idea of them so much that letting go of that is not easy.  But you have to. Its easier if you believe in destiny. Bighead was not meant to be, neither apparently, was Turbulence. So I have to let them go, their souls were meant for other places, other bodies and I pray that wherever they end up, they are happy.  You still mourn though, I've broken down over my first baby so many times, and I'm sure there will be many moments in the future when I'll be doing the same for the second. But this is not the hardest part.

Neither is physical pain/ discomfort involved. When involved, in itself  pain is a trigger for depression. But, in my case, physical discomfort is pretty minimal. Right now, physically, I'm fine. I've never been through the pain of a real miscarriage, I'm in the pink of health both before and after the D&C.

The real torture of one early loss, or repeat early losses, is fear. Fear that your dreams will ultimately be ashes, that you will never have a baby. Fear that you have to go through this again. Fear of walking into an ultrasound and having the doc coldly inform you that he does not see a heartbeat (both  my losses, I've had non-empathetic jackasses for docs). Fear of walking around with a dead baby inside of you. Fear of getting your hopes up and seeing them dashed into the ground. And that is the true torture

As I told my mom, this is like a boxing match, and you are up against nature. You can keep getting back up to fight, but it has all the power. If it knocks you down, you keep getting up until a) you either give up and change course or b) it lets you win. To this, my mom said, so go into the fight unemotionally. You know what needs to be done, just do it without engaging your hopes and dreams and fears and letting this trio jerk you around like a puppet.

A good idea in theory, impossible to do, or maybe somewhat possible after being knocked out repeatedly numbs you to everything.  I'm not there yet. The prospect of an other loss, of walking into an ultrasound and finding out the worst, has me literally whimpering.

But are what are my advantages? Lots of easily fertilzable eggs. Financial freedom (I've got a good amount saved up and my family is well off as well). Lets also throw in that I'm pretty darned pragmatic, resourceful and don't really care how I get to my current end goal  (a healthy child with my genetics in my arms). I also get pregnant very easily, but don't count this as an advantage any more because I do not know if  this is about genetics or my body is killing off my babies.

Because I can, I  am seriously considering taking my body out of the equation.  These losses are hell on me, and its much harder to face because I don't have that supportive partner who is suffering as much as I am at the moment.  I'll get through this one much more easily because I am flying 24 hours (not fun) to be with my family, but I cannot do that every time I have a loss.

I looked into gestational surrogacy in India, I contacted a clinic yesterday, and this is what I got back.

Program Fees  
The charges (in USD $) for Single Gestational Surrogacy program are as given below.
Stage I $ 8,900 (three free attempts for surrogate, SI charges and lawyer charges)
(Surrogate booking; Agreement; IVF / ICSI procedure; Pregnancy test)  
  • Surrogate investigations, preparation, endometrial priming & booking  
  • Legal (agreement) charges, Surrogacy India fees
  • Follicular monitoring, Procedural (IVF / ICSI) charges, Hospital stay, semen freezing, ET, surrogate care, pregnancy test.

Stage II $ 7,900
(Antenatal care; Medications, investigations, special care, special accommodation, child care, diet, lost wages, Insurance, surrogate clothing)  
  • First trimester (3 months)  
  • Second trimester (3 months)  
  • Third trimester (3 months)  

Stage III  $ 5,900
(Delivery; Post natal surrogate care; Visa assistance)  
  • Delivery process (normal / caesarean)
  • Birth Certificate
  • Surrogate care (2 months) (Medications, stay, care, diet, lost wages)

Mulling it over. Its affordable, for sure. And possible for me, because this is the city where my parents live and resources are not an object.

What the future holds is unclear. But I'm trying to get to the end goal with minimal additional damage to myself.


  1. Jay, if you aren't already aware of it and are interested, here's a blog about someone who is also considering surrogacy in India:

    Good luck with whatever path you choose to take next.

  2. Jay, my heart just aches for you. I admire that you are able to articulate your feelings so well. I can't even fathom what it must be like for you right now. What I hear in your post is that you haven't given up hope & that is so important. My thoughts are with you...

  3. I'm sorry you have to go through any of this and deal with any of these decisions. RPL sucks.


  4. What a miserable nightmare this must be. I can't imagine traveling under such heartache. It does me good to see you planning and writing about future trys, though. That sounds like a tiny step toward healing. Sending you all my love and wishing I could give you a hug to go with it.

  5. To see you so focused on the future instead of the past is very inspiring. I was talking with my therapist last night and she was saying that if my ovary is still viable, but my lungs are not, I could always turn to surrogacy. I guess it was something I never gave much thought, but its encouraging to here something about it. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure its very difficult. My heart is with you. Take care of yourself and have a safe trip home.

  6. Jay, you have been in my thoughts. I know your family will take excellent care of you. We all have internal strength that will guide us.

    Please keep us posted when you get to India. I will keep you close to my heart.. Namaste...

    P.S. Do you think they can do microarray instead of chromosomal karyotype? Microarray is more specific and will pick up gains and losses or for a change in the number of copies genes.

  7. I found you through a mutual blog, and I'm so sorry. Our experiences sound heartbreakingly similar. I'm a single mom by choice as well. I had 2 'missed miscarriages' at 11 weeks and 16 weeks. I had to switch doctors to find out why it kept happening, because I'd had a very low birthweight daughter followed by 3 miscarriages. I was finally diagnosed with lupus anticoagulant. I had daily heparin injections during my next pregnancy and had a 8lb 9oz boy at 38 weeks. I hope that your testing gives you answers that can lead to holding a baby in your arms.

  8. I am so sorry for what you've been through. I'm hoping you find something that works for you, I can't imagine this. Good for you for you for thinking of your advantages in such a tough time.


  9. Thanks all. Am back in India, trip was not bad, am being coddled, D&C just got done, and tissue sent out for karyotying AND microarray (thanks for the advice Baby Chase!)

  10. Jay, I am glad you are resting.. Drink alot of mango lassi. :)

    I think if the tests come back normal, you might want to run a karyotype and microarray on yourself... this is probably overkill, but if it is easier to get it done in India, then just do it. Occasionally, we see one of the parents with a translocation that does not cause them to have a genetic syndrome but it may be passed down and/or cause recurrent miscarriages. There are other tests for recurrent miscarriages too, but I only know the genetics stuff. And, I think they only do those tests if you have 3 or more miscarriages in the US.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

  11. Babychase, ok, I'll do that.

    One doctor I spoke to mentioned something that made my blood run cold- that development for germ line and adult cells bifurcates early on, and the germ line cells could hence theoretically contain a mutation NOT present in the adult cells. If that is the case, its literally the worst case scenario if it happened early enough to be present in ALL my eggs(or atleast half of them given that the egg contains only half your chromosomes) but it also seems super improbable- your thoughts?

  12. Well, there is a chance of germ line defect. I have seen one case. This young couple (late 20's) had a history of recurrent miscarriages... their two live pregnancies had a translocation on the chr karyotype. We did microarray on both parents which came back normal. So, we concluded it was a germ line defect and suggested ovarian or testicular biopsy. They declined as they decided not to have more kids.

    I will do a literature search for you this week.. You can look at pubmed and just let me know if you want a copy of any medical journals. I have access to all medical journals.

  13. I have 14 angel babies, my heart breaks for you. I hope that you find the right path to lead you to filling your arms

  14. I am so sorry for your loss! I am here from LFCA...we are dealing with MFI and possibly moving forward with donor iui this february.