I keep thinking, why does this tear us up so much? There is the love you have for that 7-20 mm mass you have growing inside you which was going to be your baby, but honestly, that bereavement is much easier to handle than losing your baby after having known him or her, or even at birth- that pain has to be unimaginable. You cannot really bond with you baby this early on, never having felt him or her, but yet you love the idea of them so much that letting go of that is not easy. But you have to. Its easier if you believe in destiny. Bighead was not meant to be, neither apparently, was Turbulence. So I have to let them go, their souls were meant for other places, other bodies and I pray that wherever they end up, they are happy. You still mourn though, I've broken down over my first baby so many times, and I'm sure there will be many moments in the future when I'll be doing the same for the second. But this is not the hardest part.
Neither is physical pain/ discomfort involved. When involved, in itself pain is a trigger for depression. But, in my case, physical discomfort is pretty minimal. Right now, physically, I'm fine. I've never been through the pain of a real miscarriage, I'm in the pink of health both before and after the D&C.
The real torture of one early loss, or repeat early losses, is fear. Fear that your dreams will ultimately be ashes, that you will never have a baby. Fear that you have to go through this again. Fear of walking into an ultrasound and having the doc coldly inform you that he does not see a heartbeat (both my losses, I've had non-empathetic jackasses for docs). Fear of walking around with a dead baby inside of you. Fear of getting your hopes up and seeing them dashed into the ground. And that is the true torture
As I told my mom, this is like a boxing match, and you are up against nature. You can keep getting back up to fight, but it has all the power. If it knocks you down, you keep getting up until a) you either give up and change course or b) it lets you win. To this, my mom said, so go into the fight unemotionally. You know what needs to be done, just do it without engaging your hopes and dreams and fears and letting this trio jerk you around like a puppet.
A good idea in theory, impossible to do, or maybe somewhat possible after being knocked out repeatedly numbs you to everything. I'm not there yet. The prospect of an other loss, of walking into an ultrasound and finding out the worst, has me literally whimpering.
But are what are my advantages? Lots of easily fertilzable eggs. Financial freedom (I've got a good amount saved up and my family is well off as well). Lets also throw in that I'm pretty darned pragmatic, resourceful and don't really care how I get to my current end goal (a healthy child with my genetics in my arms). I also get pregnant very easily, but don't count this as an advantage any more because I do not know if this is about genetics or my body is killing off my babies.
Because I can, I am seriously considering taking my body out of the equation. These losses are hell on me, and its much harder to face because I don't have that supportive partner who is suffering as much as I am at the moment. I'll get through this one much more easily because I am flying 24 hours (not fun) to be with my family, but I cannot do that every time I have a loss.
I looked into gestational surrogacy in India, I contacted a clinic yesterday, and this is what I got back.
The charges (in USD $) for Single Gestational Surrogacy program are as given below.
Stage I $ 8,900 (three free attempts for surrogate, SI charges and lawyer charges)
(Surrogate booking; Agreement; IVF / ICSI procedure; Pregnancy test)
- Surrogate investigations, preparation, endometrial priming & booking
- Legal (agreement) charges, Surrogacy India fees
- Follicular monitoring, Procedural (IVF / ICSI) charges, Hospital stay, semen freezing, ET, surrogate care, pregnancy test.
Stage II $ 7,900
(Antenatal care; Medications, investigations, special care, special accommodation, child care, diet, lost wages, Insurance, surrogate clothing)
- First trimester (3 months)
- Second trimester (3 months)
- Third trimester (3 months)
Stage III $ 5,900
(Delivery; Post natal surrogate care; Visa assistance)
- Delivery process (normal / caesarean)
- Birth Certificate
- Surrogate care (2 months) (Medications, stay, care, diet, lost wages)
Mulling it over. Its affordable, for sure. And possible for me, because this is the city where my parents live and resources are not an object.
What the future holds is unclear. But I'm trying to get to the end goal with minimal additional damage to myself.