That is what ONE loss makes out of you. Seriously.
First let me start out with the best news I've had all week: my anti-cardiolipin antibody levels have dropped from the 'maybe-something-to-worry-about' zone to the 'its negative' zone! The bad news- I think my doctors are going to collectively put a hit out on me before this is over because, boy, I might just end up being the patient from hell. Now I'm wondering whether I should get the risks for thrombophilia (factor V Leiden, MTHFR) etc investigated. There is not really a good medical reason to do this, except that it will make me sleep easier at night.
My first ultrasound is at 6 weeks and 5 days, which is November 10th. As far as first trimester TLC goes, I'm very tempted to make them see me *almost* every week. The good thing is I've already run this by them and they didn't even blink. I'm debating paying 160 bucks out of pocket and going to an RE for an even earlier ultrasound (maybe 5 weeks and 5 days) which is just plain silly, especially given that I might go into a panic if they see no heartbeat that early. Plus, why waste the money when I can have a u/s for the cost of a copay in a week's time? But still, I'm so tempted.
I want to relax and go into the the 'nothing-bad-can-possibly-happen-because-everything-looks-so-gosh-darned-good' mindset I had in my first pregnancy but that is just not going to happen. I'm trying to curb some of my more drastic impulses though, wish me luck!
In the meantime, 'Turbulence' is continuing to earn her nickname- I skipped out on my customary glass of yogurt before I went to bed last time- she woke me up at 3 am with the most horrific hunger pangs ever. Its like feed me NOW or I'll make you pay. Had to stumble out to get that glass of yogurt- my 4th time up last night!! And I'm enjoying every second of it, in a weird, perverse way :-)
It's very hard not to worry and panic. My acupucturist told me it's healthy to have these feelings and thought and can be unhealthy to try to repress them. You'll have a great ultrasound! Hang tough.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to relax because we go through so much in this process. I think it's fine to think ahead and have questions for the doctors because you want to be proactive, rather "wait and see".
ReplyDeleteJay, I don't think you're a panicky idiot at all. Of course you're nervous. I feel the same way and just try to remind myself that after five losses, of course I'm a nervous wreck. I say, do whatever you need to do to help yourself feel a little reassured. If it's more visits or more testing, so be it. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI think its fine to be anxious and what to make sure things are going smoothly. If you feel, however, that its making you nutty or uphappy, it might be good to get involved with some kind of project you can distract yourself with. I don't know if you're into art, but last year I taught myself how to crochet and that was a huge distraction from other things that were happening. I just noticed that its all "womanly" things that keep me busy :) Baking, sewing, crochet.. sheesh. Seriously though - if something is going on in my head, a good slew of baking something every night keeps my head sane.
ReplyDeleteI recently started following your blog and am very happy for you! If you can afford it, then go for it, otherwise things are looking good and I hope a week rolls around quickly for you! Sending lots of positive vibes. - Kristina
ReplyDeletep.s. not sure if this is okay - but shout out to "Jendo" at "The Pause" - did you know that only "Team Members" can post to your blog? just wanted to make sure you knew. . .
I am totally with your on the panicky idiot part but I really think you should wait for you Nov 10 U/S...the undo stress & worry that an earlier one could cause you seems too much...November 10th is just 10 days away...that's really close. Take care & if there's one thing I've learned, talk about your worries, even the stupid irrational ones...hearing them said out loud gives you some perspective & the support you get back is invaluable.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for having all those thoughts and feelings. This is an emotional roller coaster ride from hell, and we just got on the ride! Someone also gave me the advice to "keep busy" so as not to let the thoughts start to take over my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for as many ultrasounds as possible. If you can swing it, I'd do it since it will put your mind at ease. The only thing is sometimes you can't see the heartbeat until after 6 weeks. Is that going to make you more nervous if you can't see it at 5wks 5 days--just because it's too early?
I think your fears make perfect sense lady... Just try to take it one day at a time. Hopefully you will get to a point where you can feel "safe" here soon...
ReplyDeleteNot that I actually think you'll listen (knowing how stubborn you are :) but 5w5d U/S is a little silly. If you don't see a heartbeat (which can be perfectly normal, as it is so early) you'll drive yourself crazy and probably you'll want another U/S at 5w6d and another one at 6w.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and Turbulence a lot so hopefully these coming weeks will fly fast and we can celebrate soon ( in NYC!!! yay!!!)
@ radu---when have I NOT listened to the voice of reason??? (actually- don't answer that one, and I'm really glad my mother does not read this blog!)
ReplyDelete@hopefulcc- yes, its highly unlikely to see a heartbeat that early, or even anything other than an empty gestational sac. Maybe you can see the fetal pole, but thats about it.
Anyway, I spoke to the wonderful nurse at my RE's office and I'm staying away from ultrasounds till 6 weeks and 5 days.