I'm home early today and have nothing to do, so I decided to write a blog post. This stuff is addictive I tell you- soon I'll be one of those poeple who cannot shut up about themselves...ACK!!!!
The reason I'm home is I had a mucocele (trapped salivary gland in my mouth) cut off today. I now have a lipful of stitches that stick out like whiskers, I look like Angelina Jolie gone wrong and I'm on a-don't-eat-anything-you-need-to-chew diet. So I had a ginormous glass of home-made creamy yogurt for lunch and dessert is going to be this---------->
In TTC-related news, I woke up this morning and my temps had not shot up like I was expecting them to. So I panic and fall back on the doctor's plan of going in for an ultrasound today to decide if I need a 2nd insemination. Turns out I did ovulate yesterday, they could see the start of the corpus luteum. As soon as the doctor and the nurse see the lining, they say in unison- 'beautiful!', but I freak out a little when the doctor measures it at 8.5 mm instead of 9.. how could it have shrunk? They then assure paranoid little me that different operators can come up with different numbers (yesterday I had the head honcho and today I had the junior partner). But still, I was concerned that it had not grown between yesterday and today- I'm obsessed with size apparently. I want to be a 12, but I'm only 8.5-9. I wanted my follicle to be a 21, instead its only 17. Boo hoo.
As you could probably tell, I'm angry with myself- why the obsession with numbers and patterns, with all the resultant anxious overanalysing?? Why the wish to be 'perfect', especially when you cannot identify what are the factors that lead to successful creation of a baby in 9 months? This road may be long drawn and twisty, and if i don't just let go and let nature take whatever course its determined to, I'm going to end up in a self-created hell.
Its quite annoying when you can clearly identify all the issues with the way your brain and personality function, but cannot fix any of them. I'm trying though. Every time my idiot brain tries to come up with a new worry-inducing permutation and combination, I've been repeating to myself 'Let go and let god' like a mantra.
Lets hope it works.