The reason I'm home is I had a mucocele (trapped salivary gland in my mouth) cut off today. I now have a lipful of stitches that stick out like whiskers, I look like Angelina Jolie gone wrong and I'm on a-don't-eat-anything-you-need-to-chew diet. So I had a ginormous glass of home-made creamy yogurt for lunch and dessert is going to be this----------> Yum.
In TTC-related news, I woke up this morning and my temps had not shot up like I was expecting them to. So I panic and fall back on the doctor's plan of going in for an ultrasound today to decide if I need a 2nd insemination. Turns out I did ovulate yesterday, they could see the start of the corpus luteum. As soon as the doctor and the nurse see the lining, they say in unison- 'beautiful!', but I freak out a little when the doctor measures it at 8.5 mm instead of 9.. how could it have shrunk? They then assure paranoid little me that different operators can come up with different numbers (yesterday I had the head honcho and today I had the junior partner). But still, I was concerned that it had not grown between yesterday and today- I'm obsessed with size apparently. I want to be a 12, but I'm only 8.5-9. I wanted my follicle to be a 21, instead its only 17. Boo hoo.
As you could probably tell, I'm angry with myself- why the obsession with numbers and patterns, with all the resultant anxious overanalysing?? Why the wish to be 'perfect', especially when you cannot identify what are the factors that lead to successful creation of a baby in 9 months? This road may be long drawn and twisty, and if i don't just let go and let nature take whatever course its determined to, I'm going to end up in a self-created hell.
Its quite annoying when you can clearly identify all the issues with the way your brain and personality function, but cannot fix any of them. I'm trying though. Every time my idiot brain tries to come up with a new worry-inducing permutation and combination, I've been repeating to myself 'Let go and let god' like a mantra.
Lets hope it works.
When I was having those bloodtests and scans I always went in with a number in my head and the results were never the number I had in my mind. Things worked out anyway. Yay, lining and GO little egg!!! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI was the same way with the sperm count from the donor I used. Surprisingly it still worked. So there is so much that numbers can't tell us. I wish every success with this cycle.
ReplyDeleteJay, good luck.. here's to BFP in 2 weeks.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with numbers and patterns are, as others have mentioned, that they don't tell us anything. It's hard not to obsess, but we do what we have to to get through each day, right?
ReplyDeleteI hope you enjoyed your ice cream (yum!) and that your mouth feels better soon (ouch!)
hey, thanks for stopping by my blog. Try to be gentle with yourself with all the analyzing of numbers (not that I'm ever able to stop myself). I think numbers do tell us many things but in the reproductive world not necessarily what you want so desperately to know: the guaranteed good outcome. Wishing you well on this IUI.
ReplyDeleteMo
It sounds like everything is going just right. I like your mantra...
ReplyDelete