Monday, October 25, 2010


I need to start this post with the confession that I am quite unable to give my babies cute nicknames, only wacky ones. Sorry, my little ones. My first baby got stick with the moniker 'Bighead' at the second ultrasound when I was utterly struck by how huge his head was compared to the rest of him. This new one- well read on.

This post is about all my darkest feelings. As I continue to feel more of this new pregnancy every day (nausea, heartburn, uterine cramps), there is a part of me that is happy and hopeful but there is this sick, dark place inside me waiting for the Sword of Damocles to drop again, for me to go to an ultrasound and find out its all over all over again.

A huge part of this fear is because I have no idea what went wrong. Often when babies are lost its a case of slow doubling or low betas, when chromosomal abnormalities are discovered or at least, strongly suspected. My last pregnancy was not like that. My first baby ( poor little Bighead) was a champion to start off with. His betas were off-the-charts, unbelievably good and they doubled perfectly. His chromosomes were beautifully normal.  You cannot ask for a better start to any pregnancy, and yet, he was dead probably at the 10 week mark. Everything suggests to him being fine, that it was something else that went wrong. How can you box at shadows?  I'm hopeful yes, but there also lives this horrible place inside of me which is just mentally steeling itself for the worst.  I cannot shake it off, no matter how I try. Its almost like a defense mechanism, that horrifying news will be better tolerated if its anticipated. That of course is a load of crock, nothing can soften the blow if it comes at you again.

All of this fear is made worse by the fact that they DID find something wrong with me. If its just thyroid, then that, I think can be easily dealt with.  But then there are also the anti-cardiolipin antibodies. I had my consult with the perinatologist, and the verdict (which I had also come to) is to retest for them. If the repeat value comes back even at the slightly elevated, neither-here-nor-there value,  they start me on aspirin. Now, all the studies suggest that aspirin by itself possibly is not enough in case there is a real clotting problem. But my levels are not high enough to justify heparin, and moreover, giving somebody heparin when they don't need it is inviting trouble, you can have a bleed beneath the placenta which can itself result in pregnancy loss or you could end up in a potentially dangerous situation yourself. I will give blood to test for TSH and the dreaded cardiolipin IgG value this week.

I just need to genuinely believe that this will work, that my new baby (named 'Turbulence' because of the fact that she is tiny but already causing quite a bit of it,) will be ok.  She, like her older brother, is a strong, healthy baby.  I NEED to believe that my body will allow her to make it..I just don't know how. The proof is in the pudding, and I haven't seen the darned thing yet!

So everybody, put your hands together and pray for 'Turbulence'!


  1. I can only emphathize with how difficult it must be to shake off the fear given your recent loss. I do understand that while knowledge can identify solutions; it also carries with it the awareness of potential pitfuls. I do believe that Turbulence is in a better place in that at least with the diagnosis, there is a treatment plan in place and a strong cause for hope. I do hope with you and send all my positive prayers for you and Turbulence!

  2. I know where you're coming from...I keep waiting for the fear to lessen...I keep telling myself, after this ultrasound or after I hear the heartbeat again then I'll stop being scared, then I'll stop worrying...I don't think it'll go away until I give birth, then I'll be in for a whole new set of worries.

    My thoughts & prayers are with you & Turbulence.

  3. I love the nickname. You too are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that your anxiety lessens in the next few months but I know that it will still be there - just hopefully not as agonizing.

  4. You likely know this, but it sounds like your concerns and fears are completely normal for something who has already gone through a m/c. I might take a good while to shake those feelings. Keep talking about them... that has he tendency to take power away from my fears.

    If your antibodies are borderline, it seems smart that they put you an aspirin even if its unclear. I'm surprised they didn't do this and the tsh and the IgG before your insemination.

    hang in there..

  5. I completely understand. I have no control of this TTC situation and this is worrisome. You are in my thoughts. You are very smart and always ahead of the game, so I know you will do just fine. I bet you know more than most doctors that you meet.

    Jay, can I send you an email? I would like to ask you some questions about the cryobank that you used? If this is okay with you, can you let me know your email address?

  6. Thanks all- this blogsphere is what is going to keep me sane, no matter what.

    @ BabyChase, sure! Mail me at

    @ Jendo, quick question, are comments on your blog disabled?

  7. I think we're all fearful at baseline, but after what you went through with your first loss, it's totally understandable that you're even more fearful.
    I'm definitely saying lots of prayers for Turbulence (love it!) to stay sticky, and for you too --that at some point soon, you will breath a little easier.