Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Its such an insidious, irrational thing.  With my first try, I was afraid of nothing, I was normal.  I drank (about 10 days before insemination), I just started taking prenatals just a little before and I honestly don't think any of it made a difference. I just lived without fear, without analyzing every little action and that was invaluable.

I'm hopefully now only days away from my next insemination, and what a change there is.  I'm second guessing so many things.  Drinking is utterly out now though I don't honestly think a single drink would harm me at all.  It doesn't end there.  My friends are going to go sit in the hot tub this week; during the 2ww this is less advisable, but before?!?  Should be no issues, right?  Nonetheless, I am not going to do it just because there is the vague and ungrounded fear that it may hurt my chances in some way.  They are also going to get facials done this week.  I'm vetoing that one because I don't know what chemical gunk will be in the creams and treatments the person uses, and I'm certainly not going to make her provide a product list before. I turned down sushi because I'd be avoiding most seafood because of fears of mercury.  I'm just so sick of saying no to so many things, but cannot recapture the way I was before. If abstaining from these makes me sleep a little easier at night, then so be it.  But I'm also so annoyed with this irrationality.  Life is not meant to be lived in such a manner, and parenting is very uncomfortable if you are afraid of what might be lurking in every shadow. I wish there was something that somebody could say that could reassure me that all of these things are still ok- if you can, give it your best shot!


  1. I wish there was something that I could say that could reassure you that all of these things are still ok...I really do! The we way second guess ourselves is overwhelming! I've started trying to rationalize some things like "if I abstain from a, b, c, d & e, surely it can't hurt too much if I do f? right?" but then all the what ifs permeate my mind & I'm back to square one!

    I hope someone out there has an answer for you because I could benefit from it too!

  2. I can certainly empathize with dealing with the tyranny of fear. I'm still in the thinking/planning process. If it weren't for financial considerations, I'd start now. I used to live in constant fear that my eggs were drying up with every passing day which was completely irrational. I started popping every kind of herbal supplement that Google indicated "may" help. I had my ovarian reserve checked and even had my eggs frozen (that didn't help my finances either--stupid, stupid, stupid!). After all that, I found myself panicking---still! Though I made a decision to save up for a year before trying (egg freezing as insurance), I was constantly second guessing the decision. At one point, I was so freaked out that I seriously contemplated digging into my mutual funds to start NOW.

    Pivotal moment: I was telling one of my friends about my fears, and she said something that really helped me get control of the irrationality. She merely pointed out that I shouldn't be making any serious life decision based on fear and that all the negativity would almost prove to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Given the recent studies indicating that there is a relationship between stress and infertility, my friend had a point. There is a fine line between prudence and paranoia, and I was definitely leaning on on the side of paranoia.

    So, I've been coaching my self by consciously pausing when I can feel the paranoia getting a hold of me by giving myself permission to do things that I used to do. I'm trying to take the approach of moderation, not self-deprivation. For instance, instead of interpreting the fact that caffeine can be bad for one's fertility, so NO MORE Caffeine, now I allow myself to have an 8oz cup of coffee which is permissible according to studies. Instead of Googling all the bad things I can't have, I focus on looking for what I can have--sorta like is the glass half empty or half full. A little thing like perspective can make a world of difference.

    It helped to have a friend point this out to me because I didn't like wear all my rampant fear was taking me. I've finally arrived at a place where I am okay with waiting a year. Is there a chance that a year can make a difference in my fertility? Yes, but it's a small chance, and I mitigated it with egg freezing. I'd rather focus on the fact that there's a greater chance that it won't..and I will have money to approach motherhood with hope, not fear. I don't want my child to grow up with my fears hovering over them the way I was raised.

    I sincerely hope you do sit in the hot tub...particularly if it helps you relax and find some peace before the IUI--which could actually help. Your concern about the facial is prudent, but it does depend on the type of facial and how often you go for them. One facial and one piece of sushi won't sabotage your chances before you start. It really is OK. Then, again, there are plenty of homemade facial recipes using fruits and oatmeal that are just as good as the spa kind. If you decide that you don't feel good about treating yourself to something, I do hope you find another way. Regardless of what you decided to do, I do hope you find some measure of peace.

    Hope this helps!

  3. I think the m/c put the fear in the process. Your story is so similar to mine. I never worried about acupuncture or caffeine or a comfortably warm bath. Then you lose something you not only wanted so much, but that you thought you had, and suddenly you will do anything to get it back. But I've tried again under this new 'regime', and it hasn't helped. It's only made me feel stressed and upset and ... not myself. So this month, I'm going back. It worked before, we have to believe it will work again. And more importantly, I will be ME again. Who knows how long this process will take, but it is an easier path if I am comfortable with the person walking it.
    As for reassurance... I won't pretend I don't have moments. I imagine I'll be re-reading my own words several times in the coming weeks. It is so much easier to believe when it applies to someone else, isn't it? But that doesn't make it any less true.

  4. I wonder how those unplanned teen pregnancy happen. It's just not fair. We are so careful about every detail in TTC, and these teens just get pregnant without worrying about what they eat, etc...

  5. Jay, the chromosomal analysis from your Sept 25 testing.. do you mean XX instead of XY?

  6. Thanks for all your inputs..Jendo, I may just take your advice!

    Baby Chase- no I mean XY. It was the baby's karyotype they analyzed, and its was helpful that it was a boy because when you get normal XX, you can't be sure if you are looking at the mother's cells or the baby's.

  7. Okay that make sense. I thought it was your chromosomal karyotype.