Thursday, January 6, 2011

A very dark outpouring

Blue-that been my mood for the past 2 days.   It is not terribly surprising.  Immediately following my loss, I boarded a plane back home to India.  In the following month, given the circumstances, my emotional recovery could only have been described as superlative.  It was so because I was surrounded by the people who loved me and I was never really alone.  Now I'm back in USA, at home, except it does not feel like home anymore.  I've lived alone for the past 8 years and have been fine by myself.  I've had the fun social life (I still do, for what its worth) and I was completely self-contained, happy in the quietness that is part and parcel of living alone. But  for the first time in my life, that quietness seems suffocating.  I think its just a combination of vulnerability and sadness that should quickly pass, buts its tough going sometimes. Yesterday to get my mind off things,  I called up friends I'd been meaning to catch up with for a while, and they told me they were 3 months into an 'oops' pregnancy. Now, these people are amazing and I'm really happy for them, but of course, given my mood yesterday, that really reinforced the sadness and victimization I was feeling. I really did not need that, I can only marvel at a fate sneaky enough to make me call them on the one day that even a hallmark card could get me bawling.

I'm very good at recognizing my own limits, and the one thing I cannot EVER do again, is go through pregnancy while being alone.  It would be really nice if I suddenly met somebody tomorrow and we got to navigate this choppy sea together, but I'm not holding my breath.  So I have to wait until I'm about 2 months away from wrapping up my life (temporarily) in the US and I'm ready to make that short term move back to India. Only then can I try again.

I'm going to be candid in saying I am now utterly petrified of pregnancy. Even when I get past the first trimester, I'm going to be thinking of all the other horrible things that can go wrong.  A big part of this is because of the Turners syndrome diagnosis. When you know beyond a doubt that you have produced one bad egg, you keep thinking about what if the next time the baby actually makes it through to 5 months, and THEN you find out? I'm going to need help keeping sane the next time, obviously. Several months ago, my brother had asked my why I don't come back and go through pregnancy in India and I had unequivocally dismissed the idea. Pollution, mosquitoes, heat, monsoons...who needs that while pregnant? Moreover, I had wanted my child to be born in America so there would be fewer immigration issues to work out. Now, those concerns seem laughable, and of course, famous last words.

If you have read this far, thank you. This post is mostly like lancing a boil...I'm praying that it does not refill, I don't want to keep feeling like this.

9 comments:

  1. Jay, I feel for you. I have just lost a pregnacy at 14 weeks due to a chromasomal abnormality. There is nothing worse. I wish you the best in your endeavours and I know you are a very strong woman. Take care.

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  2. Do you have a post explaining your US-India situation? I've tried to figure it out and I am so confused. I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. That's a horrible way to feel, it's just so against human desire. I hope that for your next pregnancy, you have a solid IRL support system in place. Bloggoland is great, and we're all here for each other and kumbaya and shit, but it's not a replacement, I know. It's a wonderful complement, but it's not everything. I have the same thoughts you do about being afraid even if I ever make it out of first tri. Once you're in the world of pregnancy loss, you realize just how much can go wrong, how very wrong it can go, and that it can go wrong at any point. And there's no undoing that knowledge.

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  3. CKD...no I don't really. I grew up in Mumbai and my family still lives there. I moved here nearly a decade ago and plan to live here in the longterm, but have been considering returning to India for about 2-3 years. Originally the plan was to move there after my baby was born, but now drastic reconsiderations are being made. Fertility treatments (IVF, even surrogacy) are very affordable there, and more importantly, I really need to be with family during this process :(

    Thanks for commenting, yes, we can never ever get back our pregnancy innocence, and it is sorely missed.

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  4. Dee, I'm so very sorry for your loss, it is utter hell to endure. If you have a blog, I'd love to read and support you as much as one virtually can through this process.

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  5. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now, Jay. For me there's always a transition period from being in once place, with family or whomever, or awhile and then shifting back into my "regular" life. When I got home after surgery and being at my parents house for three weeks my house didn't even look right. Even my cats looked strange to me. I'm feeling a bit lonely too right now - I think at least for me the end of the holiday season is playing into it. Also, I hate winter. Thinking of you and praying that you walk through this murky patch mostly unscatched.

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  6. I'm so sorry that you are in this dark place at the moment Jay. I think it is a great decision to move back to your family for your next attempt, it's hard enough to go through this process on your own, without the terrible losses you have already been through. I'm not surprised you are afraid to be pregnant again.
    I remember an Indian professor I studied with a few years back, the thing he missed most about India was the noise. He hated the quiet in NZ and missed having a constant stream of people through his home. Your post reminded me of this. I hope the boil doesn't refill, but if it does I am here, ready to witness the lancing. Ax

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  7. Ironically, I've never ever had an issue with the quiet before...I used to cherish my own space and I was mostly happy with the way my life was. This process can scramble everything :-(

    Thank you for being there, it really, really helps.

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  8. Just sending some (((Hugs))) and hoping things get better for you soon. Loss is really hard to live with. It is so isolating, even when you are with other people. Being alone only intensifies those feelings. Try to be good to yourself. I hope you can find some US people to connect with who can provide you with some local support. The internet is great, but we all need IRL support, too.

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  9. I know this feeling - being scared of pregnancy. It used to be the goal, now I know how awful it can be... I hope the lancing did the trick - we're here to listen!

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