A very dark outpouring

Blue-that been my mood for the past 2 days.   It is not terribly surprising.  Immediately following my loss, I boarded a plane back home to India.  In the following month, given the circumstances, my emotional recovery could only have been described as superlative.  It was so because I was surrounded by the people who loved me and I was never really alone.  Now I'm back in USA, at home, except it does not feel like home anymore.  I've lived alone for the past 8 years and have been fine by myself.  I've had the fun social life (I still do, for what its worth) and I was completely self-contained, happy in the quietness that is part and parcel of living alone. But  for the first time in my life, that quietness seems suffocating.  I think its just a combination of vulnerability and sadness that should quickly pass, buts its tough going sometimes. Yesterday to get my mind off things,  I called up friends I'd been meaning to catch up with for a while, and they told me they were 3 months into an 'oops' pregnancy. Now, these people are amazing and I'm really happy for them, but of course, given my mood yesterday, that really reinforced the sadness and victimization I was feeling. I really did not need that, I can only marvel at a fate sneaky enough to make me call them on the one day that even a hallmark card could get me bawling.

I'm very good at recognizing my own limits, and the one thing I cannot EVER do again, is go through pregnancy while being alone.  It would be really nice if I suddenly met somebody tomorrow and we got to navigate this choppy sea together, but I'm not holding my breath.  So I have to wait until I'm about 2 months away from wrapping up my life (temporarily) in the US and I'm ready to make that short term move back to India. Only then can I try again.

I'm going to be candid in saying I am now utterly petrified of pregnancy. Even when I get past the first trimester, I'm going to be thinking of all the other horrible things that can go wrong.  A big part of this is because of the Turners syndrome diagnosis. When you know beyond a doubt that you have produced one bad egg, you keep thinking about what if the next time the baby actually makes it through to 5 months, and THEN you find out? I'm going to need help keeping sane the next time, obviously. Several months ago, my brother had asked my why I don't come back and go through pregnancy in India and I had unequivocally dismissed the idea. Pollution, mosquitoes, heat, monsoons...who needs that while pregnant? Moreover, I had wanted my child to be born in America so there would be fewer immigration issues to work out. Now, those concerns seem laughable, and of course, famous last words.

If you have read this far, thank you. This post is mostly like lancing a boil...I'm praying that it does not refill, I don't want to keep feeling like this.