After 2 days of utter misery (I was bursting into tears at the craziest things), I'm back to my normal even keel and I could kiss the ground in gratitude. I'm still far way away from being anything close to happy though. I just miss being happy, its something all of us are entitled to, but its gone from so many lives on the blogsphere now. A lot of us see life in greyscale. For me, some of the colors are starting to seep back in, but I want glorious technicolor and I'm not going to get it for a while.
Since its going to take about 1 year to wrap up my life here to return to India, I have to take that much time off from babymaking. My mom requested only one thing from me; in this one year, live life instead of obsessively pouring over this process. I'm working on it, but yet, here I am home with my blog on a Saturday night while my friends are getting dinner and a movie. But there is a reason for that...I want to see as little as possible of one of them.
From my current group of friends, only 2 people know about the pregnancies and the losses. One of them is 33, kind of single and is a party animal. She has told me repeatedly that she does not 'get' what I'm doing. According to her I should be out looking for a guy (while having oodles of 'fun', her style) and not attempt such madness as in trying to conceive as a single person. On the day I found out my baby had died, both she and the other girl forcibly came over to 'comfort' me. I made the mistake of talking about what was my next step, and she looks at me like I'm crazy and says, 'you should wait, find a guy, and do this naturally', like it was the unnaturalness of this process that was killing my children. That was the final straw, I knew I never wanted to see her again. Unfortunately, both of us are part of a really large group that hangs out all the time, and I quite like everybody else there. This is where I become grateful for the workings of fate. In October, I found out I *had* to move to NYC. I loathed the idea at the start. Over time, I got used to it and even a little excited. Now I'm happy, it offers me an out from this uncomfortable situation. Maybe somethings in life DO work out for the best!
I'll be seeing this person tomorrow. There is really nobody to be angry with when something like this happens, though you really wish you could find a target to rage at. This woman, with her arrogance, presumption and ignorance is the only person I can be comfortably angry at, although its certainly not her fault (or anybody else's) that my babies died. But on the surface, I have to be civil, UGH. Thank god its only for 3 more weeks!