After 2 days of utter misery (I was bursting into tears at the craziest things), I'm back to my normal even keel and I could kiss the ground in gratitude. I'm still far way away from being anything close to happy though. I just miss being happy, its something all of us are entitled to, but its gone from so many lives on the blogsphere now. A lot of us see life in greyscale. For me, some of the colors are starting to seep back in, but I want glorious technicolor and I'm not going to get it for a while.
Since its going to take about 1 year to wrap up my life here to return to India, I have to take that much time off from babymaking. My mom requested only one thing from me; in this one year, live life instead of obsessively pouring over this process. I'm working on it, but yet, here I am home with my blog on a Saturday night while my friends are getting dinner and a movie. But there is a reason for that...I want to see as little as possible of one of them.
From my current group of friends, only 2 people know about the pregnancies and the losses. One of them is 33, kind of single and is a party animal. She has told me repeatedly that she does not 'get' what I'm doing. According to her I should be out looking for a guy (while having oodles of 'fun', her style) and not attempt such madness as in trying to conceive as a single person. On the day I found out my baby had died, both she and the other girl forcibly came over to 'comfort' me. I made the mistake of talking about what was my next step, and she looks at me like I'm crazy and says, 'you should wait, find a guy, and do this naturally', like it was the unnaturalness of this process that was killing my children. That was the final straw, I knew I never wanted to see her again. Unfortunately, both of us are part of a really large group that hangs out all the time, and I quite like everybody else there. This is where I become grateful for the workings of fate. In October, I found out I *had* to move to NYC. I loathed the idea at the start. Over time, I got used to it and even a little excited. Now I'm happy, it offers me an out from this uncomfortable situation. Maybe somethings in life DO work out for the best!
I'll be seeing this person tomorrow. There is really nobody to be angry with when something like this happens, though you really wish you could find a target to rage at. This woman, with her arrogance, presumption and ignorance is the only person I can be comfortably angry at, although its certainly not her fault (or anybody else's) that my babies died. But on the surface, I have to be civil, UGH. Thank god its only for 3 more weeks!
I miss being happy too.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your friend. Whatever her thoughts on the subject, she has no right to force those thoughts on you, especially right now. Are you from India?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she's the kind of person who only sees her own views in life and doesn't respect different beliefs and choices. I'm surprised you've shared what you are doing with her and disappointed in her inability to be a real friend. Your move to NYC seems like a great one, great timing! Glad you are starting to see beyond the shades of grey...
ReplyDeleteBB, well, I had no idea when I told her she would turn out to be like this. I've told a lot of my close friends and they have all reacted positively and been supportive to the best of their abilities, This was the only person I told that I've regretted telling, but knowing her as I did then, I could not have predicted that she would behave in such a manner. I'm going to be much more careful in the future.
ReplyDeleteThanks....yes, I grew up there!
ReplyDelete"There is really nobody to be angry with when something like this happens, though you really wish you could find a target to rage at. This woman, with her arrogance, presumption and ignorance is the only person I can be comfortably angry at, although its certainly not her fault (or anybody else's) that my babies died" -
ReplyDelete- This is EXACTLY how I feel about one person who has been really hurtful to me. My DH was wondering why she makes me so incredibly angry and I'm realizing that I'm basically taking the hurt she's inflicted on me and using it as an excuse to blame her for everything. I can't even see her without being angry.
I'm sorry that this friend isn't supportive. I'm sorry that she can't accept that just because your choices aren't her choices, they are not bad ones. How boring would life, and friendships for that matter, be if we all did the same things? And the word "natural" makes.me.so.stabby.
ReplyDeleteI've just suffered a second miscarriage and am learning about how tall the fences around me need to be much of the time. It's a bit of a relief to learn this at last, so when a well-meaning friend or acquaintance starts to tell me how I should change my diet I stare until she finishes her sentence and obviously change the subject instead of explaining myself. Sometimes I think people need to talk around your/my grief because they are so uncomfortable, when all I really want is people to say is "Wow, that sucks/I'm so sorry" and give a hug. Also, I avoid pregnant friends or friends with new babies entirely and do not feel guilty about it. Glad your funk lifted.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear you have more colour in your life again. NYC will be an exciting move, I am a little envious :) I do feel for you though, waiting one year is very tough, but I completely understand your reasons for doing so. Even my 6 mth wait seems too long to me, but I know it is the right choice.
ReplyDeleteYour mum sounds very wise. I have thought this before. Heed her advice, but that doesn't mean you can't experiment with vit D and do some research on the side. These things are important to living your life too. Don't spend time with people who make you unhappy, although this is sometimes easier said than done when they are part of a larger social group.
My new 2011 maxim is "get busy living" and I damn well intend to oblige! xx