Monday, January 10, 2011

Infertiles are from Mars ..(with update)

...while the rest of the world is from Venus.  Its like once you enter the room with the 'infertility' tag, and start talking about it,  the rest of the world ceases to understand what you are about.  Labels like 'obsessive' and 'melodramatic' start getting applied to you and nobody understands how you can spend so much time preoccupied with this process.

I just got into a massive fight with my brother, and it started with me telling him how these blogs get readership from all over the world. He called it 'creepy' and chided me for putting all this information out there where anybody can read it,and why was I being so careless? I saw red instantly.   I tore into him for  for talking thoughtlessly about something he has no clue about (ie, this blog, which he has spent 5 minutes on many months ago), for not willing to listen to the minutiae of this process (he changes the subject within 2 minutes, most people IRL do), and yet, criticizing me for finding support where I can.  He promptly took my comments to mean that I was saying he is not supportive (not so; he will do all that is practically necessary, even at great cost to himself, to help me in this process) and moved into injured party mode.  I tried to explain to him that I need somebody to listen to me talk about the details and nobody in real life is willing to do so.

Now, my brother is a really amazing, wonderful human being I'm really proud of BUT at times he can really resemble an OX in his stubbornness (he accuses me of the same, BTW).  At this point, he said I was obsessive and melodramatic and said all I ever do is talk about this and of course people would not want to hear more. The last bit is not true. I would love to talk about this about 20 % of the time but realize my audience is looking impatient and squirmy and trying to change the topic after 1 minute of conversation, so I back off.

I am so ANGRY right now. I spend most of my time trying not to talk about this, except with immediate family (where the pressure valves have released some steam).  I've managed to sound ok to friends and extended family the day AFTER my D & Cs, so they would not suspect anything is up.  I've managed to make jokes the day after I found out my babies had died so nobody would have a clue that my world just fell apart.  To be accused of all of this from my brother is really too much. As a consequence, we are going to have one of our more extended fights. No worries, we will go back to normal in a while, we have had this Tom and Jerry thing going since our childhood and its not done our relationship any harm. We fight...get hugely mad and either talk it out/ forget all about it within a few days.

But right now, I'm just furious. All I want is to be able to blog in peace, so I can pour my heart out to the only people who can possibly understand, and more importantly, are willing to listen...not too much to ask for!!!!!!!!!

I'm also just mad at the rest of the world. What is wrong with them?!?! When I can spend 30 minutes talking to friends about what is important to them (for example the process of home buying, something I have no interest in at present) why do they never reciprocate with what is important for me?  Its something I thought I had accepted as a fact a while ago, but right now I just want to punch a wall.

Update: My parents, as usual, played peacemakers. They've had plenty of practice at it along the way, being always older and wiser than the two of us hotheads.  Anyway, they apologized (and meant it).  My brother apologized (through gritted teeth) so it did not make me feel one bit better. I'm in the process of learning a valuable, but difficult lesson here; to pursue this journey silently. I should absolutely shut up about diagnosis, treatments, plans, news, worries- anything I want to yammer on about in the 2 minutes before other people's lack of participation makes me shut up.  Because those 2 minutes, apparently, cost me dearly.

14 comments:

  1. Oh oh I could have written this. Yes, how many times have you listened to someone go on and on about a boyfriend or a house or something other minutiae of life and you don't get five minutes? People are always changing the subject on me and I hardly ever bring it up. I could talk about it all the time....

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  2. Somehow they really can not understand our world unless they have been here also and they generally really do not want to understand. So we turn to strangers we meet online who do understand and do care and who quickly become a family to us. I'm sorry that real life is so frustrating right now, but remember that we are out here.

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  3. I'm sorry things blew up with your brother. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the rest of the world understood how much we need to be heard--how healing it is for us just to talk? They really don't need to do or say much, just listening helps so much! I hope that things blow over with your brother soon.

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  4. I'm sorry your brother can't understand your need to be a part of a support system like the blogosphere. But you wanting & needing this space to express yourself is not too much to ask for.

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  5. I haven't told anyone but my partner and my mother. Jeff does not want to have anymore kids, so we really don't talk about it. Weird I know - and my mum has been really great, even chosing donor sperm with me and being there through my m/c etc. My sister knows about my present loss thanks to my mum, but even my best friend doesn't know I have been trying for 3 years with 3 losses. I decided I didn't want to hear the comments about how I am too old and should have wanted kids earlier etc. But I feel your pain - you should be able to openly discuss this as you would a mortgage. Totally agree with you.

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  6. I'm sorry you're having a rough time with your brother. :( I can't say what's wrong with RL people that they aren't seemingly compassionate or interested enough to spend time listening, but on the flip side, just because your brother doesn't understand your need to blog or the strength and support of this blogging community doesn't mean you need him to in order to keep writing here. in can be very frustrating when someone doesn't agree with me about something they don't understand. But I'm just never going to change the opinions and mind set of certain people in my life. It's better and healthier for me to just say "maybe you're right...(and an unspoken - and maybe you're WRONG)," and then do whatever I want anyway.

    Try to relax and know that he can't prevent you from getting the support here you need. <3

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  7. I'm sorry, Jay! Yes, we are here to listen to you and support you. I know the feeling. Sometimes, I feel like people were interested in the beginning, but maybe they're tired of hearing from me now? I don't know.

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  8. Jay, I totally relate to what you are talking about. I know personally that I turned to blogging because I wasn't getting much support or interest from my family or my friends. It made me sad to realize that all my friends only wanted to hang around me when they needed me to listen to them or when they wanted me to put on a happy face. This blogging community does offer something that I don't find in my life or from my friends. It offers support without time constraints or expectations; it offers that one elusive quality that I can't seem to find in any relationship in my "real" life: Reciprocity.

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  9. It's really hard when people just don't get it. But it's really awesome when they do. Thank goodness for my ALI friends. I remember the first time I got together IRL with Mo. We were both in between cycles, so we ordered some very strong drinks, and proceeded to crack jokes that some would definitely think were in bad taste. We talked in TTC shorthand, yet we still wondered what the people at the next table must have thought about what they overheard. It was great.

    When will you be in New York? We have to get together. You know I'll listen.

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  10. Oh Jay, I am so sad to read this. The "I've managed to make jokes the day after I found out my babies had died so nobody would have a clue that my world just fell apart" makes me want to cry. It's so wrong that we have to hide our true selves to avoid making other people uncomfortable. That is the true gift that blogging gives us, a way to speak our minds, on and on until we have completely vented. And then we can start all over again, safe in the knowledge that the people who read, are the people who want to be reading. And are the people who understand. Much love to you dear girl from another martian xx

    I hope your brother isn't calling me creepy?!! Tell him off from me :P

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  11. Dora, I'll be getting there in February, I'm definitely looking forward to meeting up, the thought of being able to converse in TTC shorthand is intoxicating! :-P

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  12. No, people IRL don't get it at all, do they? I've had so many of those 2 minute conversations - it's unbelievable! So very sorry you had to go through this. I guess this is what the bloggy world is for...

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  13. I feel so awful for you - however, please try and stay on course and remember the *prize* you will have in the end! All the 'naysayers' noise will fade away - replaced by happiness and joy~ Keep on blogging your truth - good, bad or indifferent - this is your safe place for what is your TRUTH - not theirs! ((hugs))

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  14. I'm so sorry about this fight with your brother, and I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk about this with people. People really are spectacularly unsympathetic to this particular medical affliction.

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