Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Only one line

You know that moment of utter calm when you receive horrible news? Sadly, it is getting all too familiar now. The surrogate took a home pregnancy test, and it was negative. We'll still do the blood beta a few days later, but this means game over: it is the 13th day of embryonic life today, and unless the test she took was super insensitive, nothing is happening.

With a double blastocyst transfer, the success rate is about 60%. Maybe she has a discriminatory uterus, and those blastocysts were not viable and hence they did not take. This is when I desperately wish to god that I could have been in a setup where they could do the testing to determine which of my 8, if any, are okay, so we would dispense with the expenses of multiple embryo transfers and the emotional toll of all this.

I've known the transient joy of BFPs. There is a part of me that wants to run out there and get an IUI done so I have a chance of seeing those 2 lines again. But that is foolhardy; I know that despite my fear of  pregnancy, I am willing to get pregnant again, but it will only be with an embryo that I know is euploid, so I don't have to risk putting my body through the wringer again.

One of the women who used my donor sent me a picture of her son yesterday. He is so adorable, and looking at him, I so badly wanted one of my own. God knows how long I have to wait.

You know, with all of this, the one thing you need is luck. I'm had the most horrible luck so far, and I don't know how or what I can do to get it to change.

I have one question: I'm really thinking about moving back to the States ASAP now (I'm kind of afraid that none of my 8 will work, so once the transfers are done there is nothing holding me back here). Has anybody ever been able to get IVF covered in NJ, while being self-insured?


  1. I am so sorry. It never gets easier, and its especially hard when you've invested so much time/money into the process. Thinking of you and sending love.

  2. I'm sorry Jay. There is nothing easy about any of this. Sending you big hugs.

  3. Oh I am so very sorry.

  4. So sorry to read this news, Jay:( It is frustrating on many, many levels. What you say about luck is entirely true (and not at all fair).

    No idea about the health coverage question, but I hope you find something.

  5. I'm very sorry to hear this. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

  6. Jay, I know it hurts and all sorts of fears might set in. ((((hugs))))

    Please try to be calm. This doesn't say anything about the genetic competency of other blasties which are waiting. This journey is very hard but I am sure you will find success soon. You still have chance of getting a BFP in this cycle.

  7. Oh Jay...I am just so sorry, I wish I had better words of comfort

  8. I am so so sorry! I am praying the beta will give different results.

    I know the feeling about having bad luck! I am 2 for 15 right now!

    NJ is one of the few states that mandates infertility coverage. But they have loop holes. I know with my insurance they will cover unlimited IUIs but not IVF b/c I don't work for a company with more than 50 employees. So I am not sure how it works with self-insured.

    I do know of a clinic in NY that has amazing prices. I could email you the info.

    Praying your luck changes!

  9. Jay, I am so sorry. No other words except that it sucks.

  10. I'm so sorry. I am hopeful for your remaining blasts, but I understand your frustration.

  11. I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been following your blog for awhile now and was checking every day, hopeful for good news. Sending virtual hugs and support.