Thursday, March 8, 2012

So far, so good

Its the 2ww, I'm not going out of my mind, YAY. The days (all 2 of them) have gone by relatively quickly. All is well, other than a disinclination to work and a propensity to haunt the blogsphere.  A big, very long-term project of mine wrapped up last week and the past 3 days have been amazingly leisurely while I start prep-work for the next phase.  The free time came in super handy when I had to run out for an ultrasound, an acupuncture session and then an IUI all in one workday but I could have used some work stress thereafter, with an idle mind definitely being the devil's workshop.

With all this time on my hands, I've been following the PAIL debates. Its a shame so much negativity has spilled out of this community at the idea of a separate blogroll that is not maintained at Mel's website. For my part, I don't care where it is, and I think PAIL is sensible idea. I will not be joining, not until I have fully crossed over to life with baby, and god knows how long that will take, but in the meantime, I do not see this as 'an exclusive club' from which I am currently barred entry. I see it as having nothing to do with me, but rather, as a place where people can connect with others at the same stage in the journey, to find support in the parenting process. More active blogs are still in the TTC process than those who have moved on, it seems. The people on the other side need a space too. 

Parenting is hard. While all of us, while going through it may feel that infertility may be the hardest thing we have ever faced, it is possible that at some time or the other, parenting will challenge us to an equivalent or greater degree. I still remember my mother crying over me crying at the loss of my pregnancy # 2 and she said to me, "J, do you have any idea of the scope of what you are signing up for? The pain you feel now, may be nothing compared to the pain your children may one day make you feel". My mom is a smart cookie, and she is probably right.  Nothing makes us as vulnerable to worry, fear or pain as being a parent.  It does not become easy after you cross over-- its rewarding yes, which is why we put ourselves through torture to get there, but it is NOT easy.

Moreover, I do not think that the people who started that blogroll are trying to ostracize anybody or have one single malicious intention, they are just trying to find a place where they can connect more easily with people in the same place. Its about practicalities- its not about trying to 'leave people out!. Finally, I've come across the sentiment that people who are on that blogroll are 'moving on' with their lives and just want a place to do it where its 'only them'. This is so wrong. People can have blogs listed on multiple blogrolls. They can stay on the SQ blogrolls as well as be on PAIL and a dozen others, if they feel like it.  They can follow people in different situations. Just because somebody has moved on to PAIL does not mean they are going to stop following somebody still trying desperately for # 1, or ignore uncomfortable postings of loss or cycle failures. There is a lot of room in our hearts. Somebody who has been through the pain of IF is never going to stop caring about somebody still in this hell. Even if I pop out a passel of children (ha), I will always be there for anybody I see, on the blogsphere or IRL, who has gone through or going through the trials of IF. Empathy is an incredibly powerful emotion, and unless you are a complete tool, IF makes sure you get a bucket-load of it.

Getting off my soapbox now.

Switching gears back to the 2ww: Symptoms so far- EWCM yesterday, and right now I feel like estrogen and progesterone (which have opposing effects on BBT and CM) are going to war within me. I always have sore boobs in the luteal phase, and right now they feel a tad (probably my imagination) sorer than normal.  Inching towards the the ready-to-explode stage. While this does not mean I am knocked up,  the fact that I have symptoms of high hormone levels is promising (estrogen and progesterone have been shown to be significantly greater in the cycles where the sperm does nail the egg). It can very likely amount to nothing. but right now, this is giving me the ability to stay calm. Symptoms rock, even if they turn out to be no more than a product of my overactive imagination.


  1. "the cycles where the sperm does nail the egg"

    I just about fell off my couch laughing at that statement Jay :) 

    Yes, the PAIL debacle has gotten out of hand. I have so many thoughts, but so little I want to put out there b/c of the meanness that has been spread. *sigh* I hope we can all just support each other.
    Stoked that your symptoms are jiving with a great cycle!

  2. Um, I fail at internets. Jay, would you mind terribly deleting my previous post? I thought it was going to log into my blogger account, and it instead posted my name. I would really appreciate it!

    Again though, good luck to you, I really hope you get great news soon!

  3. sending sperm-nailing-egg thoughts your way, dear Jay.

  4. Each stage of this process is tough and feels especially so while we are in it. The third trimester of pregnancy is HARD!!! But filled with so much hope and expectation being so close to the goal.

  5.  Thanks, you too!! Keep me posted:)

  6. I'm so excited for you Jay.  And I'm hopeful that everything you have done and learned over the last year leads to a successful pregnancy and parenting for you very soon!  

    Ahh... well said about the PAIL debacle.  I wrote a post on it yesterday (took a lot of time) but after stepping away for a few hours came back and hesitated actually posting it.  I hate to contribute to the drama in any way... although part of me does want to address my thoughts on the subject.  We'll see if I end up hitting post...

    Hope you have distractions during the rest of your 2ww and it goes quickly for you!

  7. Wishing you all the best as you enter the 2WW. May there be very good news soon.

  8. I'm hoping this 2ww flies by for you and that it ends with a big fat you know what:)