Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Checking in

Every now and then, I feel a pang that this cycle did not work, but on the whole, I'm just fine. Being pregnant is terrifying. And while I look forward to it with every fiber in my body, I'm also relieved that right now, I'm not dealing with that first trimester limbo. Mostly, all of this is just me, adjusting. I'm an innately happy person, it seems, and whenever the cart is toppled, my psyche instinctively works to right it. Of course, this is not a big task this time, and I pray that it does not get handed the big challenges of continued recurrent pregnancy loss or chronic infertility.

I'm still seeing the guy I mentioned. Its now entered that transition phase between dating and a relationship. I've always felt like I was living out Goldilocks's life with the guys I've met, they just did not have the mix of qualities to keep me engaged, in which case, I'd date them for a while with the distinct knowledge that this was only short term, that while I was having a good time, I wanted my space and definitely would not consider spending the rest of my life with them. In the extremely rare instances (all of twice) that I've met guys who have had some of the qualities I was seeking, absolutely nothing came out of it. It shocks me to think that I've hit my 30s without ever having been in love with somebody. All of this is why I've never had any doubts about going the single parent route.

This guy, surprisingly, he does have long term potential.  He is definitely smart enough for me, and he is definitely nice enough, and god knows, he really likes me.  Honestly, this has just come out of nowhere. But its still a very long shot-- right now, I have a very definitive blueprint for where my life is going (I'm planning to leave the country in a few months!!), and its far too soon to fill him in on any of it and see how he will react. Plus, I'm a bolter. I've been independent forever and my natural tendency is to find issues that, to other people, might not be deal-breakers and run out the door.

Right now, the thing I'm mulling over- do I tell my mom I'm seeing somebody? I usually tell her everything, but right now, my parents are on board with plan B- the last thing I want to do is muddy the waters and get her(and my dad's) hopes up about something that is a super long shot anyway. But on the other hand, I've never been able to keep anything important away from her anyway.  The good news is,if it ever came to the point of her approval,I'd get that easily.  Although this guy is not indian (japanese-causcasian FYI) , he is the kind of person that people just instinctively warm to, I think. Plus,it cannot hurt that he is both an engineer and a doctor, an amalgamation of a traditional indian parent's fantasies :)


  1. You sound like you are in a good place.  I am sorry I'm forgetting - you are planning to wait a few months to try again?  so you will be trying in India?  
    The guy your dating sounds great.  I'm glad you found someone you enjoy and who has potential. 
     It makes sense to me to tell your parents at this point, since you are close and talk about everything.  Whatever happens, I imagine it would be nice to have support along the way.

  2. Thanks for the advice Kristina! I'm probably going to end up telling my mom soon. The plan, as of now, is to try one more IUI, maybe with femara, in July. If that works, the timeline for return to India becomes a bit uncertain, but will probably be August-ish still. If it fails, I definitely go back to India around August and head straight to IVF.  All of this gives me enough time to figure out what I want to do with the guy.

  3. Sounds like a great catch...it makes it tough tho when you know where your life is heading. I'm glad you're doing well tho. I truly admire your outlook & approach to life.

  4. Good that you have something fun and engaging to think about instead of analyzing to death (which might be my tendency) why things didn't work this cycle.  Enjoy the spring with love in the air!

  5. LOL at the amalgamation of an Indian parent's fantasies :)

    This guy sounds like good people. Why not just see where it goes instead of feeling you need to have to make a decision about the Rest of Your Life right now?

    And lastly, my engineer and I met a few months before he moved out of the country. Way out of the country. To Japan, for 2 years with the military. 10 years later, we are happily married. So, I'm just sayin'...

  6. Long term potential... could be cool. How confusing when you are so dialed into plan B though. I get the hesitation to let the Indian parents in on their amalgamation of fantasy men for you. :)

    Could you shoot me an email? I have to ask you something about a fellow blogger... mycheapversionoftherapy (at)gmail(dot)com. 

  7. I'm sorry that the cycle did not work (and also sorry that it's taken me so long to write that to you). I think what you say about being innately happy is important - that ability to bounce back, to see the good, to dust oneself off and get up again. These things are so important. In terms of having children but also in terms of, well, life.

    I like the sound of this guy, long shot or no. And I don't think it's strange that you haven't been in love. What they say about the right one coming along....I think it's true. And if this is him, I think it's wonderful. (And if it's not, I think that your bounce-backness is important here, as well).  But I'm going to cross fingers for the first. Plans Schmans:)