I did something I thought I'd never do- I went in for a beta test when my home HPTs were completely negative. I did this because I wanted to see if there were super low levels of the hormone indicative of a embryo that never implanted. No dice, my test was 'negative', which my endocrinologist (not the RE, so he is not used to reading these tests) thinks translates to zero. The lab does not post numbers, apparently. Grr.
I'm doing just fine though. I'm not happy, but nor am I unhappy. Day 10 and 11 were the periods of shock (and sadness) that this had not worked. Afterwards, my reaction to each negative test was literally a shrug.
The only (irrational) fear I feel is...OMG, what the hell did I break? Although this was not working perfectly before, it was working-- I had gotten pregnant both times, and in amazingly reproducible patterns. A lot of things are different right now. From all the many things that are different, my overactive brain has to do its best to identify the most likely suspect, if only for my own peace of mind. My intuition (which, in the past, has alternately come through or crashed and burned) says this suspect is again, Vitamin D.
Because this governs so many different processes ( it regulates the expression of 1000s of genes in the body), this is a tricky one. I was reading a review on vitamin D and cancer, and the author said a 'U' or 'J' shaped association existed between risks for certain cancers and vitamin D levels. This means, while your risk is higher when you are deficient and lowest when you are at a median range (say 30-45 ng/ml), it can actually go up again when you go too high. The same could very well be true for various processes involved in early pregnancy, from hormone (estrogen) production to implantation processes, to even the immune system regulation.
I've strongly advocated testing after supplementing, and I forgot to take my own advice-- I did not test for over 8 months. My levels were 86, nearly double of what they should be, and very close to toxicity (which is considered to be above 100). Anyway, I have a few months to twiddle my thumbs and recuperate before my next try, in which time I work to cut my levels by half, at least, and give my body time to adjust to that change.
Right now, I have to wait for my brother to set a date for his wedding. I'm strongly pushing for October, in which case I could try again in June. In the meantime, as my friend said, this also means I'm going to have a stress-free spring in New York. Its going to be my last one in this wonderful city, so I might as well make the most of it!
I'm doing just fine though. I'm not happy, but nor am I unhappy. Day 10 and 11 were the periods of shock (and sadness) that this had not worked. Afterwards, my reaction to each negative test was literally a shrug.
The only (irrational) fear I feel is...OMG, what the hell did I break? Although this was not working perfectly before, it was working-- I had gotten pregnant both times, and in amazingly reproducible patterns. A lot of things are different right now. From all the many things that are different, my overactive brain has to do its best to identify the most likely suspect, if only for my own peace of mind. My intuition (which, in the past, has alternately come through or crashed and burned) says this suspect is again, Vitamin D.
Because this governs so many different processes ( it regulates the expression of 1000s of genes in the body), this is a tricky one. I was reading a review on vitamin D and cancer, and the author said a 'U' or 'J' shaped association existed between risks for certain cancers and vitamin D levels. This means, while your risk is higher when you are deficient and lowest when you are at a median range (say 30-45 ng/ml), it can actually go up again when you go too high. The same could very well be true for various processes involved in early pregnancy, from hormone (estrogen) production to implantation processes, to even the immune system regulation.
I've strongly advocated testing after supplementing, and I forgot to take my own advice-- I did not test for over 8 months. My levels were 86, nearly double of what they should be, and very close to toxicity (which is considered to be above 100). Anyway, I have a few months to twiddle my thumbs and recuperate before my next try, in which time I work to cut my levels by half, at least, and give my body time to adjust to that change.
Right now, I have to wait for my brother to set a date for his wedding. I'm strongly pushing for October, in which case I could try again in June. In the meantime, as my friend said, this also means I'm going to have a stress-free spring in New York. Its going to be my last one in this wonderful city, so I might as well make the most of it!
So sorry it didn't work out. I know you really want to find out what causes x, y, and z to happen or not happen, but I think sometimes there's no way to know, there are just so many variables and they all intertwine. I'm glad to hear you're going to make the most of it, though!
ReplyDeleteI've had similar thoughts - got pregnant on my first two transfers, miscarried due to chromosomal issues, and then nothing on the next three, where we knew in at least 2 cases the embryos were perfect. I think it's just bad rolls of the dice.
ReplyDeleteStress-free spring sounds good!
I'm sorry for your BFN, it's hard to swallow. It could be related to your high vitamin D or it could simply not have taken this month. You are doing all of the right things and it will take (and stay) soon. As a consolation, I do like the idea of enjoying a stress free Spring in NY!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Jay. I really admire your attitude. Here's to a stress-free spring for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jay, I get that feeling! I was kinda surprised that this (our fourth transfer) didn't work -- because I got pregnant on each of the other three. But, really, since the success rates are about 75% -- why am I surprised that 1 out of 4 didn't work?
ReplyDeleteI am very interested in the Vitamin D deficiency and need to read more about it. I tried upping my Vit. D. this round as well -- and have no idea if I overdid it, perhaps. There are so many little things that can go wrong, it's a miracle anyone ever gets, or stays, pregnant.
Sending you love and hugs,
Jo
Hey there, sorry I've only just showed up! I've been thinking about you and hoping I'd come online to find some happy news. I'm really sorry that it didn't happen this time Jay, but I really do not believe you have broken anything!! Remember the statistical rates of pregnancy per IUI. Even the most fertile women don't conceive every single time the numbers line up. It's totally gutting, I do understand that, but discount it and look ahead to the next attempt. Why do you have to wait so long before your next IUI? Big hugs hon xx
ReplyDeleteHey , nice to hear from you, I miss your blog, I hope you will restart it again at some time!
ReplyDeleteThe wait is because of my brothers wedding- its going to be sometime this winter, and I can't show up visibly pregnant and nor can it be just after my due date-- scheduling it the latter way also puts a lot of pressure for me to well, literally and figuratively deliver, and since none of this process is controllable or foreseeable, I don;t want that.
The latest is it can be in November and I'm benched till July-ish.
I hope that you're able to have a stress free spring in NY and maybe the person you started dating will be a fun distraction from the yuck of IF.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the beta :/ I hope you get the vitamin D under control soon and that your brother times his wedding well!
ReplyDeleteOh I understand now...social constraints! I am in a similar situation trying to decide how to fit in my next attempt (wherever in the world that will end up being! Still swinging between Australia and the US) with potential jobs. Some of which I just won't be able to do when in 3rd trimester. Problem is, I'm too old to keep delaying :( Have interesting job interview on Wednesday and will make a decision after that I think.
ReplyDeleteI kind of miss my blog too! Not sure whether to revive it, or provide a memorial service ;)
xx
I definitely vote to revive it- maybe at a new location if necessary! Best of luck with the interview:)
ReplyDelete