Major decisions need to be made, and I am just paralyzed. As anybody who has managed to trudge through those ginormous reviews that I wrote is aware, I had 4 embryos and 2 vials of sperm left over, and Dr. Malpani refused to transfer them and tried to charge me fees for then continuing to store them after I had expressly told him that I wanted them OUT of his storage facility. Sigh. I could have tried to force him via legal means to release my property to me, and while that would have been immensely satisfying on a few levels, we simply could not trust that whatever had been in his keeping would have been handled ethically, so thought it best to let it all go. Four embryos. A maybe baby. That was a very tough one, as you all could imagine. I just have to keep telling myself that if a life is fated to be, then it will be, otherwise there will be roadblock after roadblock.
But now, if I want to have a second baby, I would have to get fresh vials from the US (which would cost me a pretty penny), do an IVF pronto (because my eggs were already this screwed up in my early 30s), and freeze the embryos. In all this rampant indecision, I know one thing for sure...I do not want baby #2 for atleast 3-4 years, because as soon as G is old enough, I have to move back to the US and try to get back to research and the life I knew, because god knows I miss it all. Currently I quit my fulltime job with the company I was with, and am just working as a freelance lifesciences editor from home. It has the potential to be pay very well, but I think getting dressed, going out, seeing people, and doing my own research is rather important to my own sanity in the longterm.
The thought of another IVF frankly makes me want to whimper, and the worst part is I am not even sure I want another baby: I have a ton of help in taking care of Gauri, and yet, an utter joy as it is, the lack of sleep and sitting for hours with her on a soft bed are telling on me. I have serious back and neck issues, and I'm on the slow downward slide to a really bad condition called "chronic regional pain syndrome," or CRPS. Thankfully I'm with the one pain management specialist in the world who understands this well enough to fix it immediately. If I was not, I shudder to think how I would be doing. Bringing up a second child a few years in the future would only be harder (my body would be creakier, the people who help me now would be older and would find it more difficult as well), notwithstanding all the unique challenges that single moms face. Yet a part of me strongly does not want Gauri to be an only child. Later on, if that part of me holds sway, I don't want to be stymied by the state of my eggs at that later date, which means I have to do that IVF now.
Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time, because I'm not yet ready to take any action in this area. Pulling the covers over my head has never felt so very good.
But now, if I want to have a second baby, I would have to get fresh vials from the US (which would cost me a pretty penny), do an IVF pronto (because my eggs were already this screwed up in my early 30s), and freeze the embryos. In all this rampant indecision, I know one thing for sure...I do not want baby #2 for atleast 3-4 years, because as soon as G is old enough, I have to move back to the US and try to get back to research and the life I knew, because god knows I miss it all. Currently I quit my fulltime job with the company I was with, and am just working as a freelance lifesciences editor from home. It has the potential to be pay very well, but I think getting dressed, going out, seeing people, and doing my own research is rather important to my own sanity in the longterm.
The thought of another IVF frankly makes me want to whimper, and the worst part is I am not even sure I want another baby: I have a ton of help in taking care of Gauri, and yet, an utter joy as it is, the lack of sleep and sitting for hours with her on a soft bed are telling on me. I have serious back and neck issues, and I'm on the slow downward slide to a really bad condition called "chronic regional pain syndrome," or CRPS. Thankfully I'm with the one pain management specialist in the world who understands this well enough to fix it immediately. If I was not, I shudder to think how I would be doing. Bringing up a second child a few years in the future would only be harder (my body would be creakier, the people who help me now would be older and would find it more difficult as well), notwithstanding all the unique challenges that single moms face. Yet a part of me strongly does not want Gauri to be an only child. Later on, if that part of me holds sway, I don't want to be stymied by the state of my eggs at that later date, which means I have to do that IVF now.
Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time, because I'm not yet ready to take any action in this area. Pulling the covers over my head has never felt so very good.
That is a tough choice. Have you received confirmation from Malpani that he disposed of your embryos & sperm? With his unethical behaviour, he wouldn't try to use them for someone else, would he? Not to add another layer of worry to your already complex situation, but that is what would worry me.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time is a good approach, focus on Gauri & I think what you truly want will become clear to you.
So far he has sent me an email directing his embryologist to destroy the sperm samples. The fate of the embryos hangs in limbo- he just keeps refusing to transfer them and keeps sending me emails asking me to pay storage fees--- it would be funny if it were not so horrible. I honestly don't know what to do or think in this situation anymore :(
DeleteEven if he transferred them, I would be frankly nervous about using them given this guy's behavior thus far, and yet I cannot bring myself to order them to be destroyed, though your comment highlights the necessity to have that done.
DeleteArg. Yes, I would be worried about the current state that the embryos are in. So much has been done by "the seat of his pants" already that I would be weary of their condition.
ReplyDeleteAs for a second child, Rani and I are in a similar conundrum, ourselves. Big families were made for strong marriages like ours and we want nothing more in the world than some siblings for Ellie. I always had a good relationship with my siblings growing up, so I have a rather skewed perspective. Unfortunately, the idea of more IVF is daunting because we know it would only be harder. Dropping another 25K on an IVF cycle that probably won't succeed just isn't plausible. If we could dig up some donor eggs somewhere with moderate use of stims, that's a good bet, but we were hoping for an East Indian donor and that's not too easy to find, States side.
By the way, Jaya, are sperm donors REALLY that expensive? Never had male factor issues so that was never really on our radar. I just always assumed that in the grand scheme of IVF expenses, it would be one of the marginal ones. Hm, I think that was one of the itemizations in your cost break down, so I guess I'll recheck... Either way, aren't there any acquaintances you could bum some sperm off of? Shouldn't fresh fertilization yield marginally better results than thawed? Or is the screening process conducted on donors afford some advantages? I know its true on the female gamete end, but not sure about the male. Now that I think about it, the whole art of freezing sperm has been around much longer than freezing eggs, so perhaps not.
Lol Dana, it did take me 3 months and going through the entire registries of 3 major banks to find one donor I felt good about, so there is no way I would go for a new donor. About the male "gametes," they go for about 500 bucks a pop, but shipping them to India costs almost 3 times that, though a big chunk is refundable. It is not a break-the-bank expense, but nor is it an insignificant one. The reason why I would be pissed off to pay it is I've already done it all once before,and what this guy refused to transfer and then tried to charge me storage fees for and ultimately destroyed came to around 1000 bucks, not counting shipping costs, Meh. Anger gets you nowhere :( But yeah, the male contribution is much, MUCH cheaper than the female one.
DeleteAbout egg donors of Indian origin...obviously there are a ton of those to be found in India, I should just share my experience looking at donor eggs here--- it was rather scary, to say the least :) See this post: the website I talk about is what Dr. Malpani uses:http://aboutplanb.blogspot.in/2013/02/all-my-worldly-belongings-for-crystal.html?m=1
The donor registries of other people may offer a better selection though, you may want to check all this out as a cheaper option, if you ever want to go down this arduous road again.
Intriguing. A bit more costly than I thought it would be. Personally, if we had male factor issues, I'd just call up my brother and send him a plastic collection cup. Unfortunately, he's irritatingly tall and handsome. People would look at my kids and then look at me and asked, "How did that happen?" My twin sister volunteered as a surrogate too if we needed one and I'm sure that if we needed her eggs, she'd cough those up too (we'd have to bum some sperm off of Rani's side of the family, of course). Unfortunately, she too is irritatingly tall and beautiful. Oh well. It's all just biology to me.
DeleteI'll have to snoop around in that registry, too. I have to admit, though, the whole donor thing from genetic sellswords (male and female) has always bothered me. If they'd donated for free out of the goodness of their heart, then that's one thing. But for money AND Darwinian bragging rights? I've always wondered what kind of person does that and, well, whether that quality would transcribe to my children. My sciency-ish side says "not really," but intuition, ya know? Fortunately for me, I don't think I'd have to go through as many databases to find a donor. I'd prefer a non-pretty donor that's just curious about the world. Being beautiful is a barrier to happiness. Personally, being of an incredibly average height and incredibly average appearance has relieved me of the burden of caring about that appearance (which has freed up about 50 percent of my brain space). I can only hope that the same would be true for my kids. I mean, they could have pretty genes, that's fine, but if they were at least born with some hideous birth mark, that would be sufficiently humbling. The only reason we'd like an Indian donor is so that people aren't constantly asking our kid whether they are adopted or not when they see his/her mother. That, and Indians are smart (there, I'm a racist.)
I've given a lot of thought to the myriad routes I could take, and the one thing I would always rule out was gametes from anybody who played a significant role in my life, because after the baby was here, we might end up playing a game of whose-baby-is-it-anyway, and that would make for sticky situations. People would tend to be possessive about their biological children: god knows I would be, and maybe I'm projecting :)
DeleteLOL @ genetic sellswords. The donation for the sake of money bothers me too, but it from the viewpoint of the future babies. As I'd listen to the interviews of potential donors, there was one question in the end the response to which really bothered me: What was their message for any resultant offspring? The responses showed the majority of them give absolutely NO thought to any children that may result, how they would be bought up, the nature of the parents who would be responsible for bringing them up, etc. I always wonder how the child would feel when he/she heard this. My donor was cute and tall, but what really made me go for him was that his message for the offspring showed that he actually gave a damn about the resultant offspring (he is an open-ID donor), and he implores the would-be parents to be good parents (his definition of a good parent totally coincided with mine). He also stressed that he is not doing this for the money (he gives his reasons, and they are unusual, if plausible ones). So with all that, AND the fact that he came from a family that valued learning (the Indian in me sat up in approval), finding him made me break down in tears of relief. But he was a really unusual donor, and overall, yeah, the majority of sperm donors do not give a damn (don't know about egg donors; have not explored that much). The one thing that would absolutely keep me from egg donation (not that anybody would want my aneuploid eggs) would be the fact that I would not know who those eggs were going to: there are so many ways to screw up a child, and I cannot trust my babies to an unknown. But I guess I should be glad that there are enough men and women out there who do not feel this strongly. Btw...you should read this....I think you would find it interesting :) http://aboutplanb.blogspot.in/2011/10/in-which-i-meet-my-future-babys-half.html
Curious, on the point of the perspective of a child who is born of a donor. As you said, "the message sent to any resultant offspring." Since you are a voluntary single mother, feeling that way about a sperm donor makes things a little less complicated (would that perspective subtract from one's fatherhood if you were married to, for instance, an infertile husband?) I guess what I'm wondering, though, is why a child born of a donor should feel as though they have a connection with the donor? Why should someone they've never met mean something to them? I think of Steve Jobs and what he said about his biological parents. He couldn't care less about them, and why should he? Were I ever a sperm donor (and this is a big hypothetical because I would never wish to afflict any more humans with my genes than strictly necessary), I wouldn't want contact with the resultant offspring either. Not because I wouldn't want the responsibility. I would do it because I wouldn't want to rob the REAL parents of any part of their parenthood. I wouldn't want to seize what isn't mind.
DeleteI think I've developed these feelings because I went on a long internal dialogue once Rani and I learned about the fertility issues. With the very real possibility that she could be rendered infertile entirely, we were faced with the prospect of adoption. At first, we were happy with it. Ever since I was a kid myself, I wanted to adopt. I always liked the idea of choosing to love someone, rather than being coerced into the arrangement by some Darwinian mandate. It seemed... like it was somehow a more significant love. Weightier. I would like to think that we humans have come further than the muck of biology and tribalism. We've been bound to this premise of "blood ties" since we were knuckle walking around, beating each other with sticks and bones... or to be more specific, since life began. I'd like to think that we've become creatures of mind, and that minds give birth to minds.
But then I started reading into the particulars of adoption. In the States (as you surely know), adoptions are almost always open. There is a movement afoot--- The First Mothers--- that flex the rights of "birth mothers" who have adopted out their children. And then of course, we have all of the "adoption themes" of popular culture. When it comes to stories about adoption, fairy tale or not, biological parents are always people that are profoundly important. Princes, kings, even gods (rather than drug addicts or irresponsible 17 year old teenagers). Children pick up on these themes, and they are left with the sense that they somehow belong to someone else. And beneath all of this is this unspoken supposition: that if a child isn't biologically yours, then there is some fundamental thing that you are lacking that you can't give to them. That biological parents, even if they have 0 presence in the lives of their "biological children," somehow hold some special mastery over their soul. So yeah, facing that fact really kind of put the damper on my enthusiasm for adoption. The idea that there is something I simply could never give my child and that they felt out of place because of what our societies teach about "blood ties" would just break my heart.
Either way, I really chaff at the idea that DNA is important when it comes to family. When you get down to it, if I were to adopt, I would have 99.998 percent the DNA of my kid. The biological parent would have 99.999. Why should that .001 percent entitle a biological parent to any part of that child? Anyway, whoa, rant over :-)
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DeleteI think the situation would be very different if there were a father involved and I were married. I totally agree that the person who raises you with love is THE parent, end of story. It is rather logical that the sperm donor would come into much greater focus if there was no father in the picture. I've listened to the accounting of some children born of sperm donation (all of single moms) where the child was very invested in the sperm donor, and a very small number made finding the donor the focal point of their lives, and were violently unhappy that this part was a complete unknown. I always felt like such children were generally unhappy and used the fact that they did not know their father's identity as a focal point for their unhappiness. Now, I feel that way because my identity is tied up in myself, and who "my people" are matters very little. Nonetheless, I have not walked a mile or even 10 steps in the shoes of said kids, and I should not be judging, In contrast to the above examples, there are many kids born of anonymous sperm donation who could not care less that they do not know who the donor is, or that the donor saw this as only a way to make a few easy bucks. I didn't know which camp my kid was going to fall into, but I wanted to give him/her the best possible donor, if this was something that did end up mattering to them. About how much stock we put in biology, I agree we should not be that way, but I tend to care about individual inheritable traits though, such as intelligence and emotional stability. I know who my parents are and I love them and am proud of who they are. If I were adopted, how much importance would I give my my birth parents? It is hard to say, but .I think I would go back to being curious about individual traits and how they had been passed on, but I would definitely think my adoptive parents are my real parents, or atleast I hope that I would be smart enough to. I had Gauri via surrogacy. We share DNA, but there is no biological route for her to sense that, and anyway, as you say, all humans are 99.998% related (which would make us all very genetically similar to many sick and sorry pieces of shit). She has not bonded with me through the 9 months of pregnancy and nor do I have the advantage of bonding via BF, but that bonding has happened anyway: I am given preference over her grandma and grandpa and great-grandma, which is rather amazing given how much all of these people do for her, and how much she has bonded with each of them. Don't know through what mysterious alchemy my status as "mommy" seems to be getting established, because as I said, I've missed out on all the biological routes of bonding so far.
DeleteThis whole fertility world is confusing as hades anyway. Add in your horrible experiences with that doctor and his "clinic." I am amazed that you have the mental strength to even think about it right now. I understand though the feeling that you have to deal with it now before it's too late.
ReplyDeleteOh I know how you feel! Coming off my failed IUIs, I just feel like I want to give up and be happy with the little man I have. But I am pushing through it, and forcing myself to take the next steps, as I know if I don't I will live with that regret that I waited too long. Good luck with whatever you decide, just enjoy every second now with your little one x
ReplyDeleteyes...as long as there are no regrets, it is all good. That is what I fear the most. best of luck with the future tries!
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