10 DPO

Well, I have zero discipline.  But thankfully, in some areas, I manage to think ahead (In that I stockpiled on internet cheapies), and right now, I think the gods are smiling down on me. I can only fervently hope that they remain so benevolent for the next 9 months, and beyond.

I've been testing since 8 DPO. Yesterday (9 DPO), It still looked like a BFN, but if you stared at it for 3 minutes without blinking and held it an angle, you could see the faintest smudge of a shadow where the second line should be. That shadow which very well may have been a figment of my imagination kept me sane through yesterday. I'm glad I have a place to say this out loud without people thinking I'm nuts. Or, rather, I hope you won't.

Today, I had vowed to not test till evening, but my resolution cracked early, at around 7 am. Still a tantalizing hint of a shadow. At 2 pm today, I got that first, clear, yet super faint second line---can you see it? The test on top is actually supposed to be a more sensitive brand sold by earlypregnancytests.com , with a sensitivity of 10 mIU/ml, while the one at the bottom is thier regular one with a lower sensitivity of 20 mIU/ml, and their regular brand is actually better, IMO.

So right now, at this moment, I am pregnant. Today, I'm afraid of a chemical pregnancy. A week from now, if things continue to go well, I'll be afraid of an empty sac at at 6.5 weeks. Or twins. Twins mean I can't go back to India, because I can't chance a high risk pregnancy, with all the stuff that can go wrong there. After that, I'll be afraid of the heartbeat stopping before embryogenesis is complete. Then, comes the fear of improper development and a 5 month termination. Then, come all the multitude of the2nd and 3rd trimester fears.After birth, I'm sure there is a brand new set you inherit.

The innocence is gone. But thankfully,despite the fear, I still have the ability to truly enjoy this moment. This is a beautiful day, no matter what tomorrow brings. And I hope (and feel optimistic even) that it will bring good things. I'm so grateful that I've been given this chance.

Btw...I hope this post goes some way towards exploding the myth of FMU (first morning urine) being the most optimal to test in. I had a BFN in my FMU. But this early, beta production (and excretion in the urine) is mainly a function of time. The test at 10 pm is more likely to be darker than the test at 2 pm , which is more likely to have more beta HCG thnt the FMU collected when you just wake up

Halfway through the 2 week wait..

I've survived half the 2ww. The  flood of 'symptoms' the past few days have been helping. Crazy sore boobs, some creamy CM,  lower luteal phase temperatures than usual indicating that despite the high progesterone, there may be slightly more estrogen than usual around -- Here is an interesting and relevant tidbit: Estrogen has a temperature lowering effect, while progesterone increases it. So the so called 'implantation dip' that is a big part of 2ww urban legend comes from here- the drop in temps is because of a surge of estrogen around the time of implantation (and the middle of any normal luteal phase too, which is why non-pregnant cycles can show the 'implantation dip' too--see pic on right) - the question is, is that normally occurring surge higher than usual if there is an embryo bouncing around? Is your temperature even lower than normal because of that?

I've also had lots of twinges and cramping and have also had some really strong heartburn on 4 and 5 DPO (helped by some spicy thai food, which I can usually chow down without feeling a thing), and today (6DPO), I had mild nausea and twinges of hearburn. Heartburn is a promising symptom- that was how my mom knew she was knocked up with my brother, and I definately felt it, very early on, in pregnancy # 2.

The sad part is, I felt quite a bit of this (not the heartburn so much, and lesser cramping) during the last try which resulted in a BFN. As I had some very strong and unusual cramping around 9 DPO that cycle Its always possible that there was an embryo that stuck around till maybe the end (9-10 DPO) and failed to implant, but its plain speculation. As is most of this post.

Last time, in the BFN cycle,I had acupuncture before ovulation , but not around implantation (7DPO) as my acupuncturist had suggested. This time, I'm trying it in reverse, have an appointment for tomorrow. I have to say, I've been horribly indecisive about this. Last time, I did not try it because I had gotten pregnant in 2 natural cycles, sans acupuncture. After that last cycle failed I could not help but pointlessly wonder that maybe my uterus had turned more hostile and acupuncture might have helped. Now that I'm trying it, I'm nervous it will somehow hinder instead of help , which is unlikely based on everything, but this is so a damned if you do, damned if you don't frame of mind I'm in, ARGH.

I've been searching Pubmed- acupuncture has mostly been studied on the day of embryo transfer- that is in many cases equivalent to around 5 DPO for the embryo, so its harder to compare to when I plan to have it, which is 7DPO. AT this point it either mildly helps or has no effect.  There is a group from china who does this to rats (poor rats) and find that it reduces inflammatory cytokines, but comparing that study to humans is so totally apples and oranges.   Has anybody had it around this time-7DPO? If so, I hope you can share your experience!

Oh, for a lobotomy

Or one of those little zappy guns used in  the MIB movies to make people forget what just happened. Yeah, that would be prefect.  A close encounter with Will Smith would not hurt either.

I want to forget that I just had an IUI. I really, really effin do. So I can get through the next 10 days, doing my job, concentrating on LIFE, without constantly patting/excavating (TMI much?) my lady parts to try to figure if I have any goddamn 'pregnancy' symptoms.

I'm only at 2 DPO. The next 8-9 days are going to be a slow moving hell, if yesterday and today and any indications. This mental (and physical) hand wringing of Am I / Am'nt I is exhausting.

 

Recap: This IUI, like my first 2, was difficult. The one before this (which resulted in a BFN) had been suspiciously easy.  I would be a terrible candidate fr a newbie to practice on, apparently, but the stuff got where it was supposed to go, and stayed there, or so I was told. I was pissed off that this clinic does not hand out oral antibiotics after the deed (both my San Diego practices did)- I'd appreciate it if you guys weigh in on whether yours do. This practice has both pros and cons, but I'd like to know what the norm is.

The evening of the IUI itself, the usual sore chest symptoms started. I had cramping, indicative of an ovulation, that night (this is normal, I always have distinctive cramping the night of the day of ovulation) and the next morning too, though the latter is something I've noted only when I've had IUIs. I wonder if its the presence of the swimmers itself that can do it.

My temperature had increased the next morning, progesterone is obviously around.  Anyhow, the sore and tingling boobs symptom is in full swing (and is very high on the magnitude scale), but this in itself means nothing- I have this many, many cycles, and is just indicative of luteal phase progesterone being high. I was desperately hoping for great big gobs of EWCM ( I had this both the cycles where I did get knocked up, this is very usual and distinctive thing, never observed in my non-pregnant luteal phases, and jibes with the literature showing that estrogen is much higher in pregnant vs non-pregnant cycles), but, sadly no dice yet, other than a tiny smidgen of something resembling the estrogen induced slime when  I woke up this morning. This makes me think that its not worked, but of course, I could be wrong. I hope I am.

Yeah, the next 8-10 days are going to be utter hell. I can deal with a BFN, but the anticipation of one, and the fervent hope for a BFP, is much harder to deal with.  So, if anybody knows a way to induce selective memory loss (without hitting me on the head), holler!

Need advice (on acupuncture again)

This is one of those deals where I ask you what you would do, were you in my shoes. I'm 7DPO. In the past couple of days I've started getting mildest rumblings of heartburn, and occasional, very mild nausea. Mind you, I've had stuff that feels like nausea once in a non-pregnant cycle too. I attribute all my pregnency-esque symptoms (breast tenderness, the very occasional nausea) in such cycles to high progesterone. Now, I think I'm feeling more than I did then and more regularly, but it is hard to say that with real certainty.

My acupuncturist wanted to see me on around the time of implantation. Now, given that each session costs a 100$, I go only when I feel it is has a decent enough chance at helping me. Whatever my issues in the past, they have clearly not been with implantation, my lining has always looked good, and implantation has been early—probably day 8-ish, with enough HCG being produced to generate a positive test by day 10. The only reason I’m even contemplating making a last minute appointment, is that I have not had any sustained cramps yet, only momentary scattered twinges.  Day 7-9 has been my range for sustained noticeable cramping in the last cycles, so I’m a little nervous that the huge wave has not begun. Of course, it may just mean that I’m not pregnant, but in case not,  I’m wondering whether it is worth going, to use the kitchen sink approach, both to calm me and also *possibly* help in case there is a little embryo swimming around that could use a hand to stick.

If you were not be hopelessly undecided like I am, considering my past history and the evidence supporting an implantation promoting role for acupuncture, what would you do?

The kookiness at 5DPO

I'm hyper-sensitive to anything happening in all my lady parts.  My 2 girls are nice and sore-- I whack them if I go several hours with no twinging. I've had some pretty sharp pains and sensations that feel uterine in origin at 3-4DPO which made me ecstatic. Apparently, women who get this can turn out to be pregnant. Whoopdedoo.
 
The chorus of the John Mellencamp song "Hurts so good"  has been featuring prominently at in my nutty head these past few days. I've been having some moments of mildly painful sensations that make me grin like a goofball through the winces. If I feel nothing through long stretches of time, I'm  convinced nothing has worked. If I feel any pain or any sensation out of the ordinary, it buys me several hours of reassurance.

As a scientist, I scoff at this. 'Symptoms' mean jack-squat, especially when you are hypersensitive, over-imaginative and have several signs of high luteal-phase progesterone even in cycles when there is no chance that you may have conceived. But it does have value in that  it keeps me sane because it buys me those stretches of complete normalcy till we come to testing time.  So please, the powers that be, make it so hurt so good.

I know that if I don't get a positive HPT by day 10-11 then its game over. I can handle that- you've got your requisite time of crying and adjusting to the new reality that you have to do this again, and then, if you are me, then you return to an even keel fairly quickly and you go on to the next portion of the plan. Hopefully. But in the meantime universe, please keep the twinges coming.

Here is another thing I've been grappling with for a while--- my original plan was to return to India when I am around 5 months along, after the detailed anatomy scans are completed and deliver there.  My mom, who has worked with neonates for a good part of her career, and she dropped a bombshell on me a few weeks ago- she strongly wants me to finish my pregnancy here and then return. She feels this because New York (especially the university I am with) has, apparently one the best premie units in the country.  India, she feels, based on her experience, is adequate with the level of expertise of the very top doctors (that I will have access to) but fails badly with the quality of nursing care.  This is something that pisses me off so much.  Trained qualified nurses hightail it out of India the first chance they can get, because they don't get paid well, nursing as a profession is undervalued severely.  

I've asked my mother to do more research to get a better idea of how things are there, because staying here, while practically possible, is not something I want to do. As you can clearly see, despite my trying to control it, pregnancy makes me neurotic. Being around people constantly, with that loving bedrock of family, goes a long way is dispelling my neuroses and keeping my mind off things.Sigh. Effin decisions.

So far, so good

Its the 2ww, I'm not going out of my mind, YAY. The days (all 2 of them) have gone by relatively quickly. All is well, other than a disinclination to work and a propensity to haunt the blogsphere.  A big, very long-term project of mine wrapped up last week and the past 3 days have been amazingly leisurely while I start prep-work for the next phase.  The free time came in super handy when I had to run out for an ultrasound, an acupuncture session and then an IUI all in one workday but I could have used some work stress thereafter, with an idle mind definitely being the devil's workshop.

With all this time on my hands, I've been following the PAIL debates. Its a shame so much negativity has spilled out of this community at the idea of a separate blogroll that is not maintained at Mel's website. For my part, I don't care where it is, and I think PAIL is sensible idea. I will not be joining, not until I have fully crossed over to life with baby, and god knows how long that will take, but in the meantime, I do not see this as 'an exclusive club' from which I am currently barred entry. I see it as having nothing to do with me, but rather, as a place where people can connect with others at the same stage in the journey, to find support in the parenting process. More active blogs are still in the TTC process than those who have moved on, it seems. The people on the other side need a space too. 

Parenting is hard. While all of us, while going through it may feel that infertility may be the hardest thing we have ever faced, it is possible that at some time or the other, parenting will challenge us to an equivalent or greater degree. I still remember my mother crying over me crying at the loss of my pregnancy # 2 and she said to me, "J, do you have any idea of the scope of what you are signing up for? The pain you feel now, may be nothing compared to the pain your children may one day make you feel". My mom is a smart cookie, and she is probably right.  Nothing makes us as vulnerable to worry, fear or pain as being a parent.  It does not become easy after you cross over-- its rewarding yes, which is why we put ourselves through torture to get there, but it is NOT easy.

Moreover, I do not think that the people who started that blogroll are trying to ostracize anybody or have one single malicious intention, they are just trying to find a place where they can connect more easily with people in the same place. Its about practicalities- its not about trying to 'leave people out!. Finally, I've come across the sentiment that people who are on that blogroll are 'moving on' with their lives and just want a place to do it where its 'only them'. This is so wrong. People can have blogs listed on multiple blogrolls. They can stay on the SQ blogrolls as well as be on PAIL and a dozen others, if they feel like it.  They can follow people in different situations. Just because somebody has moved on to PAIL does not mean they are going to stop following somebody still trying desperately for # 1, or ignore uncomfortable postings of loss or cycle failures. There is a lot of room in our hearts. Somebody who has been through the pain of IF is never going to stop caring about somebody still in this hell. Even if I pop out a passel of children (ha), I will always be there for anybody I see, on the blogsphere or IRL, who has gone through or going through the trials of IF. Empathy is an incredibly powerful emotion, and unless you are a complete tool, IF makes sure you get a bucket-load of it.

Getting off my soapbox now.

Switching gears back to the 2ww: Symptoms so far- EWCM yesterday, and right now I feel like estrogen and progesterone (which have opposing effects on BBT and CM) are going to war within me. I always have sore boobs in the luteal phase, and right now they feel a tad (probably my imagination) sorer than normal.  Inching towards the the ready-to-explode stage. While this does not mean I am knocked up,  the fact that I have symptoms of high hormone levels is promising (estrogen and progesterone have been shown to be significantly greater in the cycles where the sperm does nail the egg). It can very likely amount to nothing. but right now, this is giving me the ability to stay calm. Symptoms rock, even if they turn out to be no more than a product of my overactive imagination.

Confessions of a POAS addict

Be warned- this is an orgy of TMI.


The 2ww has the potential to be biggest, most evil tease ever.  How many people out there have had 'symptoms' up the wazoo only to be visited by Aunt Flo in a few days? The last time I went through this, I  was perfectly fine till 3 days past ovulation, when I started feeling chills, nausea, sore boobs and quite a bit of CM. My symptoms were kind enough to work in concert, I'd poke at my chest to make sure it was till sore and the nausea would come up- bliss. If you ever catch a woman playing with her own chest- she is probably not a nut or a pervert, she is just in the 2ww. All of these 'symptoms' turned me into a gibbering google junkie and drove me to start testing from 5 DPO!! Nobody, not even Octumom, could have had a positive that early. Thankfully, I had purchased super cheap but good sticks off the internet which allowed me to indulge in my twice daily ritual with no dent in my wallet.  By the morning of the 10th day, I'd lost all hope but I still kept going only to be caught completely by surprise by a clear BFP that very evening.

This time- I have some of the 'symptoms' back- I've got the boobs that feel like they are going to burst out of their skin and Torquemada came back from hell just to create some very painful clamps for them, I've got the crazy and plentiful CM, I've even got the nausea. I'm missing the 'implantation' cramps, or atleast the biggest wave is due tomorrow and I'll be pretty darned unhappy if they don't show. I've been POASing exactly like the last time and nothing yet- its only 7DPO and I'm be terrified if I actually got a BFP this early.

I still know that despite all of this, its possible this cycle may not have worked. Its a very unusual one for me and clearly estrogen and progesterone are high and having  a party inside of me but that does not necessarily translate to pregnancy. If  its a BFN, it just translates to a very unusual cycle (not good, I like the fact that my reproductive system is normally as as predictable and efficient as a German-designed instrument), but what can ya do.

All I can say is, thank god for sensitive internet cheapies; I've got 50 of them in my bathroom and I'm going through them rapidly!

The usual 2WW madness

I''d forgotten how angst-ridden they are and how they turn you into a google junkie.  Everytime, the 'symptoms' you get are going to be different. This time there is something definately eyebrow- raising happening, and this is kind of gross, so if you are not a TTC veteran (which would make you utterly comfortable with discussions involving bodily fluids), stop reading now.

On 2 and 3 days DPO, I got tons of egg white cervical mucous (!!!).  Today, I used the clear-blue easy fertility monitor because I was curious about my estrogen levels, and it registered high fertility = high estrogen! I usually don't get much CM at this point, though in the last 2WW, it was decidedly more that usual and creamy, but not the egg-white kind and definitely not such abundant floods. One thing is for sure, my lining is probably approaching La-Z-Boy plushness given the floods of estrogen.  I'm slightly concerned that I have a cyst but I don't know how high your estrogen levels have to be before the doctors start looking for one. There is also the tantalizing observation floating through message boards that women who get pregnant can sometimes notice more fertile quality CM in the 2ww. Having found no scientific page stating the same, I think it just might be 2ww urban legend.

So I've googled the same query in about 15 different ways, posted the question about whether this is even normal on every message board I can find , asked my RE too, and have heard back from nobody, which of course whets my desire to know so much more. 

I recently told one of my friends about Plan B and the fact that I'd had an insemination that very morning. She is all seriousness turns to me and says, 'Doesn't that mean that you will find out in two days?' Bless her- wish she was right!