Only one line

You know that moment of utter calm when you receive horrible news? Sadly, it is getting all too familiar now. The surrogate took a home pregnancy test, and it was negative. We'll still do the blood beta a few days later, but this means game over: it is the 13th day of embryonic life today, and unless the test she took was super insensitive, nothing is happening.

With a double blastocyst transfer, the success rate is about 60%. Maybe she has a discriminatory uterus, and those blastocysts were not viable and hence they did not take. This is when I desperately wish to god that I could have been in a setup where they could do the testing to determine which of my 8, if any, are okay, so we would dispense with the expenses of multiple embryo transfers and the emotional toll of all this.

I've known the transient joy of BFPs. There is a part of me that wants to run out there and get an IUI done so I have a chance of seeing those 2 lines again. But that is foolhardy; I know that despite my fear of  pregnancy, I am willing to get pregnant again, but it will only be with an embryo that I know is euploid, so I don't have to risk putting my body through the wringer again.

One of the women who used my donor sent me a picture of her son yesterday. He is so adorable, and looking at him, I so badly wanted one of my own. God knows how long I have to wait.

You know, with all of this, the one thing you need is luck. I'm had the most horrible luck so far, and I don't know how or what I can do to get it to change.

I have one question: I'm really thinking about moving back to the States ASAP now (I'm kind of afraid that none of my 8 will work, so once the transfers are done there is nothing holding me back here). Has anybody ever been able to get IVF covered in NJ, while being self-insured?