My life, as usual, has been on fast forward. Partly contributing to that was the fact that I had my mom come visit me for the past 3 weeks. Among trips to Canada and seeing New York, a great deal of philosophical conversation ensued. Sometime in the last month would have been Turbulence's due date. Amazing as it may seem, all that causes me is one small pang every time I dwell on it, but the sorrow is not there anymore.
The philosophical conversations I have with my mom all center about one theme - predestiny. In a sense, this is like having faith in god, which I don't, being firmly agnostic. But, for the sake of convenience or because some little intuitive voice inside me urges me to believe, I cannot rule out the idea that maybe all of this IS predestined. That there are children destined to make it out into this world. To paraphrase my mom, nothing can stop these births. Improbable conceptions will occur, previous problems will disappear, all things will fall into place and these lives WILL come into being. By this token, all the things that fail, for the myriad reasons, do so because they were not meant to be. However awful and tragic the circumstances of failure, no matter how close one comes to success, if one believes in predestiny, one just says, it did not happen because it was not meant to be. This is a harsh, ruthless philosophy with absolutely no room for emotion. I accept it because it represents the ultimate escape hatch, the ultimate way to justify all the things that do not work, the lives lost. I have to explain to myself why my babies did not make it. My mom and I have also started to talk about adoption. I'm far away from that option, but as my mom keeps saying, if that is what is in your destiny, that is what will be.
In the last post, Emily asked whether I met somebody in June as the astrologers had predicted. Sheepishly interjecting here that I had got the month they mentioned wrong, it was July. But so far, have met nobody, and would be extremely surprised if I did. I cannot really take this stuff seriously. But upon more detailed explanations from my mom on what they had predicted, what one of the astrologers said shook me greatly. My father had asked him to look at my chart and tell him about the possibility of marriage by looking at it. He told my father that a strong possibility for marriage existed in this year, but I should wait till November (the 23rd actually), because according to him, if I got pregnant before this date, either I would die (this part I knew from previous conversation with my mom), or the child would die (?!?!). This part was spooky because it came out of nowhere-- nobody had asked him about pregnancy. Apparently there is a strong indication on my chart for pregnancy issues. Some other astrologer years ago had predicted that I would have an issue in a pregnancy, that I would come out of it fine but my child would not. Anyway, after November 23rd, apparently, its smooth sailing. If there is any fervent desire to believe in astrology, I would hope that this guy is right, that I finally hit some luck in this department.