Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Procrastination

As the months go by, the desire to get back in the saddle is steadily getting stronger.  But its going to be oh so tricky, with timing. I need to figure out when I can wrap up my work here and return to India (for about 2 years or a bit longer). Though I know this will be somewhere between Feb 2012 and August 2012, the month is impossible to predict. As time passes and I become more and more eager to proceed, delaying TTC past December (the first month I could try) would require herculean restraint.

So I have two uncomfortable scenarios to contemplate- having to go through the first few months of pregnancy by myself (the anxiety with nobody to lean on/help distract me is not something I am looking forward to) , or  far, far worse, the prospect of going through a third loss by myself. My mom would fly out in that event, but still, the prospect of walking into another ultrasound, that awful uncertainty, with nobody to hold my hand is daunting.

I keep saying this, I have to learn equanimity.  No matter how long or how painful the road gets (especially then, actually), I have to believe that one day, I will have a child, and that is the child I was meant to have, and that everything that happened along the way before was because it was not yet time. For me, this is the only conceivable way to look into the abyss of failure and loss  and find some measure of peace.

In the meantime, I am procrastinating on a number of things
-scheduling a glucose tolerance test
-scheduling a HSG/sonogram
-Getting the swimmers shipped
-Scheduling a psychologist appointment, since I'm a single woman TTCing. This one I managed to argue my way out of in San Diego.  My new NY RE wants it done. If insurance will cover, I'll do it, but if not, I will work on persuading him to waive it- there is no bloody way I'm shelling out hundreds of dollars for a conversation where they just tell me things I already know.

This to-do list continues to taunt me on a subconscious level all the time, but with work being as busy as it is, every week goes by with me pushing it forward. And the taunting increases in crescendo in my head...

14 comments:

  1. I'm a psychologist and I tell you, you're all fine to have a baby. My fees are 0$, Canadian. I accept visa, MC, and cash. 
    Sounds like the scheduling issues are tricky. I hope that things can proceed at a rate that feels acceptable to you. 
    And when you order your shipment of equanimity, can you order extra for me. It would come in handy right about now. 

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  2. Is it normally required to go to a psychologist?  (I just made my first phone call to a fertility clinic.)  15 year olds in the backseat of a car aren't required to see a psychologist in order to have a baby(though maybe they should)!

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  3. Most REs will ask that of anybody using donor sperm. I managed to argue my way out of it the first time, when I discovered they do not actually assess you, but rather spend their time telling you about the facts and ramifications with sperm donation. Since I'm rather good with figuring out stuff by myself, it would be a colossal waste of money.

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  4. I know Augusta :(   I'm working on the equanimity- some times I achieve it, but when the self pity rolls in (it does so VERY frequently), everything gets blown to bits.
    So the enemy is really self pity- to me, it seems like an emotion without one even constructive use, but plenty of destructive ones, but we can't get rid of it, can we?

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  5. Port of IndecisionJune 21, 2011 at 9:18 AM

    So maybe we can thank batshit Octomom and her ilk for the counseling requirement when using donor gametes. All kidding aside though, I think it's probably advisable for a good number of people. You have your ducks not just in a row, but in a perfectly calibrated geometric pattern, so you're clearly good to go . But I'm imagine there are plenty of people who aren't entirely squared away. Hell, when we were thinking about donor eggs, I was planning on seeing someone to try to change my bitter, angry mind :)

    The scheduling is stressful, and being benched is stressful. I hope that when the time does come, all is smooth sailing.

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  6. Yes, I know what you mean about wasting money. It is a legal requirement for counseling here and I had to have two sessions, one joint with the donor & his wife seeing as it was a known donor. Expensive and offered no added value. 

    I know how hard it is to wait, but you are definitely right to wait until you have all that support around you. I can also relate to self-pity. I've been feeling pretty bloody sorry for myself the last couple of weeks. I vacuum-packed up my baby clothes and put them into storage at the weekend, and then I slapped on loads of make-up and went out to a party on Saturday night. When I got home, I just felt old and tired. 

    Why do you need an HSG? Have you booked anything yet? Why not just make it a priority to do one thing per week? Start with booking the GTT this week! xx

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  7. Te two-year rule is such a pain... Have you tried having it waived? I did not even try, and those two years were agonizing. Can you try TTC while in India? I hope you can get things started soon and that you can skip the counseling. Though I must say, I am happy I do have someone to talk to.

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  8. Doing all this by yourself, with no support, would be tough. You are one seriously tough cookie, but still - that would be a lot!  And the psychologist appointment requirement is insulting, and oh so annoying!

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  9. I could get it waived, and  I was also offered the option of a new H1 with my move to another university, but I turned that down. I want to go back; initially the plan was to spend the first 2-3 years of my baby's life there, but now its changed to spending most of my pregnancy there, or trying again with more hardcore approaches (IVF) in India if attempt 3 ends in loss as well.

    Its amazing that what you initially thinks off as a horrible thing (like my J1 visa) turns out to be for the best :)

    So which step in the process are you at?

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  10. Haha, procrastination still going strong, but inmy defense, this has been a truly impossible week.

    A hsg/ sonogram is to make sure no scarring has occurred because of the d&cs:(

    Hope you are feeling better, you have too much to contend with right now.

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  11. Haha, procrastination still going strong, but inmy defense, this has been a truly impossible week.

    A hsg/ sonogram is to make sure no scarring has occurred because of the d&cs:(

    Hope you are feeling better, you have too much to contend with right now.

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  12. Right now I've had a green card for one year, after having a work visa for two years. Right before then I had an H4 for a year. I had returned to the states with a J2 when I got married. But when the spouse moved from a J1 to an H1,  I lost my J2 and the right to work.  That's the year I did not bother getting my own work visa. I was sure that I was soon going to be pregnant and nobody would want to hire me anyway. Now I wish we had applied for green cards much sooner, because I'd be much closer to citizenship. If we choose to adopt we will have to wait four more years.

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  13. I like Augusta's rates. You need to buy in on that.

    Thanks for swinging by. I had a few folks pipe in info, but realized that I had been vague about the actual test. The lab took the POC and my blood and did a SNP microarray. Some bits of that are jargon to me, but the hubs is also a Scientist, and keeps up for me. The lab that did the work is in the bay area and if you'd like any more info, just shoot me a note at auntmisfitATgmailDOTcom.

    I have been wrapped up in your posts for some time, but bad about commenting. I'm all over the D3 question with the dr at my next visit. Thanks again, and I hope that you dont mind extra company on your journey here.

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  14. So now that it's July, I keep waiting for a response to your March post: http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/2011/03/astrology-and-me.html which alluded to meeting someone important this month...  I hope that you're well and that you're able to begin slowly chipping away at that to do list.

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