Thursday, February 17, 2011

Conflict (warning-dark)

Are you ever in the state that there are two absolutely opposing feelings vying for supremacy in your brain? Probably not, but its something I've been dealing with right now.

The first set of opposites are my reactions to the loss of my 2 babies. There is one part of me that almost instantly accepted these losses and came to terms with them.  This part of me is cool, rational and pragmatic.  It knows that from the beginning of time, thousands of billions of lives have flickered out before even completing organogenesis.  Miscarriage is one the truest cases of saying that the pain is only for the ones left behind. I'm aware that what has been a catastrophic event for me was an event that did not even register for my babies.  They were many months away from  anything resembling true awareness.  So they moved on without even know where they had been, or what had happened to them. I pray that they are in good places, wherever they went. But they are on their own journeys now, and it is one removed from mine.

Then there is that other emotional part of me. The part that still bursts into tears when I read about other people's stories of loss. The part that can't bear that my babies, the ones I never got to know, are gone.  Though I can write paragraphs about the rational side of me, I cannot even begin to address its emotional counterpart.

Thankfully, the rational part of me holds sway most of the time. After the initial spates of grief, this pragmatic part of me has prevailed mostly. But the emotional side unexpectedly has been dropping in the past few days, and I've been getting to see polar opposite sides of me in action, one rapidly following the other. Its been interesting, albeit exhausting.

The second set of conflicting feelings is now about pregnancy. There is a part of me that so badly wants to try immediately. Knowing that you have an excellent chance of getting pregnant within weeks is just heady. Sometimes I want it so badly I can taste it. But on the other hand, the thought of pregnancy just fills me with terror, for lack of a better word.  The other day, I was sitting and just thinking about the process...the positive pregnancy tests, your body changing instantly, your bladder immediately shrinking to pea-like proportions, waking up multiple times a night, those hunger pangs, and within 5 minutes, I was bawling. The first time I went through that, even the annoyances made me smile, the thought that life was growing inside me made everything ok, I'd be smiling as I was stumbling out of bed for the 4th time that night.

Now I just think that life will grow, all those amazing changes will happen, just to end in death again. I'm so very morbid I've been thinking about what to do in case I have to abort for the 3rd time. I do not want to have a 3rd  D&C because I'm worried about Asherman's syndrome. My Indian RE recommended misoprostol because he does not think repeat D&Cs are a good idea...the thought of going through the pain this pill induces makes me shudder. Although this thought would have seemed mindbogglingly weird a few months ago, I can say that D&Cs are relatively easy.  Somebody just sticks an IV in you, you wake up after,  physically its like nothing ever happened . I've gone through my 2 losses with only the emotional scars.  So yeah, I'm going to spend quite a bit of this year cringing at the thought of misoprostol.  I don't know what to do there, that is another giant area of confusion and conflict.

So for the next several months, I'm going to alternate between longing to be pregnant, cringing at the actuality of it, and hand-wringing while considering my alternatives in the worst case scenario. Goody.

The amazing thing about blog writing is that you can say all of this to yourself, it won't help you one bit. You come out here, you type out the crazy conversations you have been having with yourself, and just somehow, in some bizarre way, it helps.

Thank you all for reading. I know most of the people who pass through this blog never ever comment.  It would be nice, if for once, some of you delurked! Not the best post to ask you to do it, I know.

21 comments:

  1. I try to not just lurk. :) Hard when reading from a phone sometimes, but I know how much I appreciate comments!
    At any rate, I've thankfully so far not suffered from a m/c (just never even see the damn BFP), but just the thought of a m/c scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine dealing with that loss.
    I'm sure you're going to be incredibly conflicted right now... but just think, you WILL get pregnant and have a healthy baby and THAT will finally help you to put the longing and the fear behind you. I believe that.
    Thinking of you...

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  2. Hi Jay, I am familiar with the state of mind being pulled in 2 different directions. . .sometimes there are different parts of me that feel different ways about something so then I get to negotiate between these two or more feelings/parts. It seems normal to me what you are feeling and very healthy the way you are navigating things. I am not sure you want to hear this but I am a veteran of misoprostol and my doctor forgot to give me the pain meds. ha! and even that, well it was bad but once the alleve kicked in, it was tolerable. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have but don't torture yourself around that if you can help it. I pray you won't ever have to experience another loss though. That's the true pain right? I am sending loads of positive wishes. Your time is coming.

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  3. I can't offer you any advice but I am listening to you and hoping that life treats you kinder. At some point, you will be ready to take the leap and I can only imagine that it will be an uneasy journey in your worried mind. Hopefully with all the research you are doing and the experts your working with, your journey will have a happy ending. For what it is worth, I do see a happy ending for you.

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  4. I'm right there with you, on both counts. I've had both sets of conflicting emotions you describe here. I hear you. It's hard. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that I'm listening and I get it. (((Hugs)))

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  5. im here, feeling very similar feelings... knowing that someday i'll have a baby in my arms, but also scared to death of the rest of the journey to get there. so what ARE your next steps?

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  6. Hi Jay,

    Delurking! Sorry you are having such difficult, strong and conflicting emotions. They sure sound natural to me.

    Tara

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  7. I feel that I'm simultaneously walking down dual paths in my head, so I totally get it. It's frustrating when things are not clear and choices are hard. Thinking of you. =) (oh, by the way, my vit. d level is normal at 34--scratch that off the list--everything is still unexplained....sigh....)

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  8. Whitney- I'm sorry it came back as normal, because it is the easiest of fixes if it was that. However, that is still the low end of the normal spectrum (the new definition is that the normal range is 32-100). There are some who claim that 'optimal' levels are around maybe 50-60 ng/ml. Maybe you should be taking a dose of maybe 2000 IU a day to bump your levels a bit up. It can't hurt,even though I don;t know if it will help.

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  9. Oh Jay, I'm not sure how you've managed to keep it all together the way you have. You've been on an incredibly tough journey. I understand why you are afraid to go forward even though at the same time you just can't wait to take that next step. Good luck. With everything. xx

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  10. For what it's worth, this blog entry perfectly captures what I'm feeling right now. I'm six weeks pregnant after a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. It's hard, it's frustrating, and I feel cheated out of a simple happy pregnancy experience. I don't want to tell you not to worry, because that's bullshit and impossible, but try to focus on the successful pregnancy outcome that WILL happen eventually.

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  11. I also feel the two sides that you describe. And I share your fear of pregnancy. For what it's worth though, I've gone the cytotec route (I think it's the same thing as misoprostol) and even though it IS painful, the worst pain is still the emotional pain. Which you have either way.
    I'm terrified of going through another pregnancy and losing another baby. I'm terrified that it'll happen later on in the pregnancy next time.

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  12. Delurking to say that, yes, most of us feel that terror, that complete separation of rationality and emotionality. It gets easier when you get a pregnancy that 'sticks', but only a little easier, and fairly late in the game. I could not enjoy really anything about the first half of the pregnancy that resulted in my son, having lived through 4 miscarriages, it just felt like that's what pregnancy was about.

    And yes. Blogging is the best therapy I could imagine. Keep talking the pain out, and eventually, really, you'll have happier things to talk about. Believe it. Thinking of you.

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  13. I feel the same way - completely conflicted about getting pregnant. Of course I want a baby, the result of that potential pregnancy, but I really don't want to go through all the fear and worry that comes with a pregnancy after two losses. That's become one of my biggest fears - getting pregnant! And yet I'm doing everything I can to live that fear! So bizarre, but so true. Will be here in your journey by your side...

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  14. Delurking. Favorite post was BDB and ADB. Miscarried at six weeks and had no idea how terrible it would be, so at 20 - unbelievable. I feel like I've aged 100 years. I'm not devastated any more, but my sadness is like a my shadow, always with me, even if not always seen.

    I hear you, sister.

    P.S. I was never mad at God, but oh! how I felt forsaken.

    It's a lot to carry. But we carry it.Sending you love and light.

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  15. I'm delurking... I've been following since when you went to India to be with your family. I had 2 miscarriages and surprised myself at how little they affected me emotionally (both were fairly early). Fortunately I had 2 "successful" term pregnancies (mc-pg-mc-pg) but it wasn't the pregnancies that were necessary to resolve anything because I was so rational about it. And I don't usually consider myself that rational.

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  16. Oh Jay, I wish I had some wise words to help you. I can only imagine the conflict you feel. I admire how you've dealt with your losses & your strength inspires me.

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  17. I've commented before, but not recently and not often. Mainly because I feel like I don't have much place to, given that I've never dealt with IF or m/c. I do read your blog regularly as well as those on your blog list who have been dealt the same cruel fate. I'm not sure why exactly, other than the fact that it really helps me put things in perspective in my own life, which I find quite overwhelming and stressful at the moment, but which is blessed with a healthy, happy child; and hopefully as a result of reading what others are going through I am more compassionate and understanding of this whole other side to TTC which I've been fortunate enough to not have to deal with.

    When I was in college I had a psych professor who did research on the effect of trauma and writing about it. He found that those who wrote about their trauma were sick less often and less severely than those who didn't. So it seems that blogging can be good for the body as well as the soul.

    I hope that very soon you will be able to carry a child to term, or find another way to become a mother if you should so desire, although of course that will not diminish the grief you have for those you lost.

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  18. The life of the habitual aborter. I HATE the conflicting feelings. I HATE that something that should be joyous and exciting and that, goddamnit, IS joyous and exciting for others is scary and sad and stressful for us. Rawr.
    I will also say that, though I certainly hope you never have to use this information, my experience with misoprostol wasn't that bad. It was pretty on par with my natural miscarriages, except perhaps a bit mor efficient. I have a blog post on it here in case you ever want to read a non-horror story: http://theportofindecision.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-misoprostol-review.html. My take on it is that everyone writes up a review of something when their experience is awful. When it's pretty par for the course, people tend to just take it in stride and not feel the need to write it all out, you know?

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  19. I could have written this. The duality of emotions...strong, strong emotions is exhausting.

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  20. I hope that, despite your history, having to choose between D&C and misoprostol is not a decision that you will ever have to make.

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  21. I understand how you feel. Personally, I frequently feel like I'm housing several personalities in one body. My rational self is locked in constant battle with my other, far less rational self.

    After 2 D&C's, I also balk at the idea of doing a third. I hope that neither of us is ever there again, but I can tell you that the misoprostol - while very uncomfortable - is not as horrible as many frequently make out. I've noticed that US doctors don't like this option because it means less control over the situation. And my experience with it wasn't perfect (didn't work the first time and I had to do a second round) BUT it meant that I miscarried at home, on my couch. Not exactly "on my terms" because my terms would never have included a loss, but definitely with a sense of autonomy that I never felt in a hospital.

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