This is what my mother (in exasperated mode) said to me this morning. We were getting ready, and I was talking about testing and logistics. She turned to me and said, you don't really think about anything other than this, do you? I truthfully replied that that is kind of correct- no matter what else I'm doing or pursuing, this is always at the back of my mind. I've never really pursued anything this vehemently and determinedly.
My mom let it go but she hates what this journey is doing to me, and her view of all of this is so very removed from mine. She does not want her baby to suffer, and she sees this process primarily as one that has hurt me more than anything else ever has and so she wants me to ease up and step back, for my own sake. Me, I'm incapable of it for the most part.
In addition to fighting infertility, you also have to fight the perceptions that others have. Not blaming them for those perceptions, but boy, its exhausting.
On the test front: This journey is littered with clues that may well be red herrings. Another such one has come up. I had Vitamin D3 checked- my levels are low (16 ng/ml for anybody interested). This vitamin is low in PCOS. I also spent a while asking Dr. Google in creative ways if AMH and Vit D3 are linked, and lets just say I found one tantalizing paper saying they were (Vitamin D binds to the AMH promoter and stimulates its production).
So I'm starting Vitamin D supplementation (that part is fine and sensible, 16 ng/ml is clinically too low) the part that irks me is that I'm looking at this issue and hoping and projecting it to be the magic fix for all my problems, just like I did with the thyroid. I'm so tired.
I totally get that this is in the back of your mind all the time. I think it is for all of us. Maybe you need to give your brain a break though. I know how easily I get burned out - and while I don't stop what it is I'm doing, I let my brain take a break. I give myself another project or something to work on for a few hours a day. It's hard to do, but I find it helps. Sending out love to you. Take care.
ReplyDelete"There is more to life than reproduction" - depends on your perspective. If the human race were viewed by an external observer as being no larger than microbes, then I suspect reproduction and environmental destruction would be all there was to see. Not that I'm saying your mum's perspective is a bad one. I oscillate between the two perspectives frequently.
ReplyDeleteI have been taking vit D supplements (haven't checked my own levels), only 200IU daily so not high dose. There are some studies underway currently which look promising wrt to fertility. Vit D appears to be the new golden child of the age. It may not be the panacea you seek but it definitely can't do any harm :)
Be kind to yourself.
I love your mom.. she always has wonderful words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get back to San Diego, you should talk to your Endocrinologist.. The thyroid and now the Vitamin D... just want to make sure they do not miss anything.
I started Vitamin D a while ago as I'd heard it was the new 'must have' vitamin...like Arohanui said, it can't hurt...
ReplyDeleteI am so struggling also with the idea that there is more to life than making a baby. I hope that you find the answers for you. :-)
ReplyDeleteEmerging from lurkdom to make a suggestion - have you seen stopthethyroidmadness.com? It is a natural thryoid patient advocacy site. It came to mind as you mentioned the Vitamin D - thyroid link. I also have thyroid issues and had a low Vitamin D, which I tried to raise for 2 years! The docs like it to be up above 70, and optimally around 100. I finally raised mine by taking Vit. D mixed in olive oil (available on vitamin sites/stores). And yes I think that Vit. D plays a role in thryoid and fertility. Not to get too detailed but this is all about balancing the HPA axis and Vit D as a proto-hormone (and not a vitamin actually) is an important precursor to hormones. Hope that helps and doesn't confuse!! Thank you for sharing your SMC TTC journey - I am also on the SMC path and will be TTC in the New Year (armed with natural thyroid and Vit. D3 among other things). All the best!
ReplyDeleteAnother clue...good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's all that I think about, too, and I haven't even started trying yet. I can't imagine how much more you must think about it.
ReplyDelete@ dissertating jumble- thanks for commenting and the link. I think if you are at or above 100 ng/ml you are skimming the threshold for toxicity, but around the 45-70 zone it seems ok. You cannot second guess this too much though.
ReplyDeleteThis was a super useful page on Vitamin D I found.
http://www.vitamind3-cholecalciferol.com/vitamin-d-deficiency.htm
This is so fascinating...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Baby Chase - an endocrinologist will definitely help you figure out where there are links.
I'll never understand why people don't get that we, too, wish we could think about something else. We, too, wish we had the old us back. We, too, wish our lives didn't revolve around this. Why do people think this is something we enjoy?
ReplyDeleteC, I don't think my mom thinks at all that I enjoy this, but she wants this to stop hurting me so badly. That is also where a lot of people (the ones who mean well, versus the others who just want you to snap out of it so you can be more entertaining) come from. Unfortunately , like we all very well know, its next to impossible to let go because this is our dream :(
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