random musings from the fevered brain

I'm sick. I've got a noseful of snot, a fever of over a 100 degrees (thank god for anti-inflammatory drugs) and a really nasty sounding cough. Very happy I've got people to pamper the crap out of me. Unfortunately we also had a weekend getaway planned to see another large family cluster of cousins and nephews and nieces. Sucky timing, I was *really* looking forward to it.

Anyway, back to talking about baby-making. Currently, I'm grouching over the impossibility of predicting CD1, sans period.   I had my D&C 18 days ago, and I'm still showing up positive (though its almost gone to nothing) on pregnancy tests. I always figured that once the beta levels dropped to nothing, that would be when my true cycle began. The point of this exercise is repeating an antral follicle count and then AMH early on in the new cycle.

Right now I want to talk about uncertainty. The RE I consulted with told me,  I guarantee you, 100%, that you will have a baby one day.  I have none of his certainty. All of my confidence ( in making a biological child) is gone. I'm confident I'll still be a mother, by what route though, I now do not know. Oddly enough, I have faith in one thing- destiny. I believe that you will end up with only the child(ren) you were destined to have, period.  I see people suffering so much, with repeated losses, with years of infertility trying so hard to have that biological child, and failing. I keep thinking, do these failures occur because there is another child waiting for them, and they have to make their way to him/her?? Maybe its a child that somebody else has created. Maybe its from a donor embryo.  Or that  its not yet time to have the biological child, because the right combination of sperm and egg has not yet been achieved.

These are at the heart of philosophical debates- is everything that happens just an accident, or is everything by universal design?

Right now, I instinctively believe that everything is preordained. Its a belief that sustains me. My mom said to me, if Turbulence was meant to exist, if she was meant to have a rich life that touched so many others, it would have happened regardless of the Turners. I believe that, and it brings me peace. In this baby-creation game,  we can do whatever we can but we have no idea what the universal plan is, all that is in our power is to try and then accept whatever comes, no matter how painful or joyous.

If adoption or donor embryo are waiting at the end of the road for me, then I want to be at peace with that idea. Why am I concerned about either? Because I'm a control freak and its unfamiliar.  When choosing my donor, I looked at over 200 candidates, and I found ONE that made me happy. Because I spend so much time thinking about it, genetics IS important to me. But this fear I can deal with.  A part of me is aware that it does not matter, genetics is a crapshoot anyway and all people are unique and beautiful individuals, that nurture is about as important as nature.  The problem is, its the great unknown that I'm having issues with.. You don't KNOW the birth parents, while I know and I'm comfortable with the bagload of genetics I carry. I respect my family. I respect their intelligence, their values, their kindness, everything about them.  If my kids turned out to be like my mom or my dad, I'd be ecstatic. I'm deeply in admiration of my donor's genetics too. Overall, from both sides, the genetics are admired, but more importantly, they are familiar.  I'm afraid of adoption or DE because I have no clue what I'm dealing with in terms of parental genetics. The sensible thing, of course, is to cross these bridges only when you get to them. But this is one area of my life that I need resolution with, now, to be at peace.