Friday, December 17, 2010

random musings from the fevered brain

I'm sick. I've got a noseful of snot, a fever of over a 100 degrees (thank god for anti-inflammatory drugs) and a really nasty sounding cough. Very happy I've got people to pamper the crap out of me. Unfortunately we also had a weekend getaway planned to see another large family cluster of cousins and nephews and nieces. Sucky timing, I was *really* looking forward to it.

Anyway, back to talking about baby-making. Currently, I'm grouching over the impossibility of predicting CD1, sans period.   I had my D&C 18 days ago, and I'm still showing up positive (though its almost gone to nothing) on pregnancy tests. I always figured that once the beta levels dropped to nothing, that would be when my true cycle began. The point of this exercise is repeating an antral follicle count and then AMH early on in the new cycle.

Right now I want to talk about uncertainty. The RE I consulted with told me,  I guarantee you, 100%, that you will have a baby one day.  I have none of his certainty. All of my confidence ( in making a biological child) is gone. I'm confident I'll still be a mother, by what route though, I now do not know. Oddly enough, I have faith in one thing- destiny. I believe that you will end up with only the child(ren) you were destined to have, period.  I see people suffering so much, with repeated losses, with years of infertility trying so hard to have that biological child, and failing. I keep thinking, do these failures occur because there is another child waiting for them, and they have to make their way to him/her?? Maybe its a child that somebody else has created. Maybe its from a donor embryo.  Or that  its not yet time to have the biological child, because the right combination of sperm and egg has not yet been achieved.

These are at the heart of philosophical debates- is everything that happens just an accident, or is everything by universal design?

Right now, I instinctively believe that everything is preordained. Its a belief that sustains me. My mom said to me, if Turbulence was meant to exist, if she was meant to have a rich life that touched so many others, it would have happened regardless of the Turners. I believe that, and it brings me peace. In this baby-creation game,  we can do whatever we can but we have no idea what the universal plan is, all that is in our power is to try and then accept whatever comes, no matter how painful or joyous.

If adoption or donor embryo are waiting at the end of the road for me, then I want to be at peace with that idea. Why am I concerned about either? Because I'm a control freak and its unfamiliar.  When choosing my donor, I looked at over 200 candidates, and I found ONE that made me happy. Because I spend so much time thinking about it, genetics IS important to me. But this fear I can deal with.  A part of me is aware that it does not matter, genetics is a crapshoot anyway and all people are unique and beautiful individuals, that nurture is about as important as nature.  The problem is, its the great unknown that I'm having issues with.. You don't KNOW the birth parents, while I know and I'm comfortable with the bagload of genetics I carry. I respect my family. I respect their intelligence, their values, their kindness, everything about them.  If my kids turned out to be like my mom or my dad, I'd be ecstatic. I'm deeply in admiration of my donor's genetics too. Overall, from both sides, the genetics are admired, but more importantly, they are familiar.  I'm afraid of adoption or DE because I have no clue what I'm dealing with in terms of parental genetics. The sensible thing, of course, is to cross these bridges only when you get to them. But this is one area of my life that I need resolution with, now, to be at peace.


  1. Hi Jay,

    Have you considered doing IVF with genetic testing on your eggs so only the normal ones are used before you go onto DE or Adoption? You should create a bunch of eggs due to your age and FSH etc, so only the good ones are used. Since you stated money isn't an object, it may be the best way to get your genetic child. Hopefully I am not offending you by writing this. Best of luck to you. Dee

  2. DM, thanks for commenting. If my next natural pregnancy fails, then yes IVF with PGD with or without surrogacy is the next logical step. Its a little scary to think about, but atleast its logistically possible.

  3. Jay, I just love how you reason through things & articulate them! I really admire your perspective on life.

    & thanks for your comment on my last post...this was info I wasn't aware of & value knowing it.

  4. I completely share your concerns about genetics. As a mother, it's completely natural to want to provide your child with the best advantages. Genetics is the predominant factor in choosing the "right" donor for me (other than Open Id). But, as you pointed out, even choosing the right genetics, in hopes of proving the odds of a good embryo, doesn't guarantee anyone success. It's like the role of dice. There are so many variable involved; it's impossible to predict an outcome.

    However, I personally don't think occurrences are random because I choose to learn from them. I think perspective can make a tragedy become a "stumbling block or stepping stone". I'd hate to live in a world where things just happened without rhyme or reason. Having said that though, my greatest disappointments usually gain meaning in retrospect because in the midst of sadness, it's very hard to maintain any perspective.

  5. @ Jendo, you are absolutely bang on in saying that the greatest disappointments in life only make sense in retrospect, in *most* cases. There are some (like a family friend who lost her 22 year old son in a senseless motor cycle accident) that will never make sense, these ones you just have to make your peace with :(

  6. Your are absolutely right. Jay. There are some tragedies that have no meaning...and proves that there are no absolute rules about facing adversity.

  7. I hope you are starting to feel a bit better Jay? What a shame to get sick when you have a weekend away planned :(

    As for uncertainty, this is hardest part of TTC. I often think that if could just know the longterm outcome now (i.e. how my life will end up) then I could stop angsting over every single fertility decision and let things unfold the way they are going to anyway.

    I hope you find peace soon with all your future options, whatever path you end up on. Get well soon xx

  8. Your mom continues to impress me with her words of wisdom.. she is right.. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I'm also afraid of the uncertainty with this entire process... but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If we want something, we will make it happen because we are control freaks. ;)

    Feel better.

  9. I hope you're feeling better!

    I tested negative on an HPT (early response) about 2-3 weeks after my D&C, and it was about 3 weeks after that before I got AF. I've heard that every time is different, but that it's not unusual for it to take that long. I hope it doesn't for you so you can get your testing done soon!

  10. Hi Jay,
    I can relate to your feeling of uncertainty and losing confidence in conceiving naturally. It is the weirdest feeling. I look around and see all those women in my family and friend circles getting pregnant naturally like it is no big deal. I have been trying to conceive for about two years and nothing happens. I have never been pregnant in my life. (I am 35) I am left to wonder if it will ever happen with my body.
    I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Hope that it all works out for you.

  11. Just happened upon your blog from ICWL and am fascinated by your approach with the scientific background - very interesting and helpful. Haven't seen anything like it.