6w6d u/s

I had my ultrasound yesterday morning (preceded by a hysterical 5 minutes in tears when the nurse suggested the doctor might *not* do an ultrasound with that visit. Yeah, I was kinda on the edge, especially yesterday).

Anyway, here is Turbulence! And yes, UCSD has truly crappy u/s machines, Another reason to be waiting till the 12 week mark when I graduate to radiology with their fancier equipment.

The doctor tried measuring the heartbeat, but the machine did not allow it so he 'eyeballed' it to be around 130 bpm, up from 108. She has grown too, and has almost caught up to gestational age (6w6d).

And finally, there is the yolk sac, so utterly clear even on the poor resolution machine. I think any way you went in, with whatever machine, its just too bright to miss, so this is truly different from the last time. What the implications are I cannot guess.

I've been very guarded about this pregnancy, almost refusing to believe that this may be real and just adopting a wait and watch attitude, because everything was ALMOST this good with the last pregnancy. The doctors were just utterly confident that all would be well, nobody could conceive that anything could happen to a pregnancy that started out that strongly.

But this ultrasound has given me some real hope, because of many things, the quick catch up in the growth, the difference in the yolk sac appearance.  I'm now guardedly optimistic, which feels nice.

After my loss, I've tried to prepare for the worst case scenarios by never ever discounting that they might come about, but what is the point in that attitude? With my last pregnancy, until they showed beyond a doubt that my baby was dead, I had felt very little fear or apprehension, those 2.5 months preceding that awful moment were really happy. Even if fate kicked me in the teeth, I was really thankful to have had those days.

Now, its very nice to feel some hint of what I felt then, again. Joy should be snatched up wherever you find it, because god knows what will happen tomorrow.

Please keep Mo in your thoughts. She should have been posting her u/s picture too, the unfairness of life is mind boggling.

Life is horrible

As you wander in this universe of blogs, populated by women who are have struggled with conception for years, with birth loss mothers, with people who have experienced stillbirth, with women who have had multiple losses, you know, that to some, life can be be bloody utter BITCH.

After many weeks of pregnancy roller coasters, and much hope and prayer from so many people, Mo and Will  found out that this pregnancy too, had come to an end at 7 weeks and 3 days. There are no words.  Please go over and let them know they are in your thoughts.

Argh!!!

Just yesterday, I felt my teeth hurt, something that made me go cold. I'm not getting enough calcium, mostly because trying to consume it from food based sources is a PAIN. How much yogurt can you drink in a day anyway? Or orange juice?

So I've been looking, from my last pregnancy, for a good calcium supplement. And because I'm somebody that now reads the labels and fine print on everything, am utterly unsucessful.

Rejected supplements
Tums- the colored ones, have lovely carcinogenic dyes (such as Yellow 5 and Red Lake and all these innoucuous sounding ones), not to mention other crap.
Tums- the white ones have talc and mineral oil!
Citrical-recommended by my idiot OB- has titanium dioxide and a paragraph of stuff that sound distinictly unwholesome while consumed in a pregnancy. Its also supposed to have minute quantities of lead.
Os-Cal- recommended by this idiot website has parabens!
For what parabens are, go here
Rainbow Light has food based calcium sources, which made me want to dance a jig till I realized they throw in other unwanted crap like bioeperene and horse nettles in.

I'm tired and I'm out of options. My prenatal has almost no calcium ( they say because calcium interferes with the absorption of iron, the two are best taken separately) and I'm not having enough from food sources. I need a supplement but everything I find on the market comes with its own variety of crap.

Sigh, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe I should just shut up and consume talc and mineral oil (I draw the line at parabens) or I'm  headed for root canals.

She is in there!

 Turbulence 6w4d

Don't know why, but I'm convinced Turbulence is a girl.  Anyway, I went in for a hideously overpriced u/s with my RE this morning, and yes there is a sac, yes there is a little embryo in there, with a heartbeat of 108 bpm!! That is in an acceptable range for this gestational age (6w4d) according to this website


There is also an extremely clear yolk sac. I was shocked as to how clear it was, its definitely not what I remembered from my last ultrasound!

Bighead,my poor angel baby at 6 weeks and 5 days

This was my poor little bighead at around the same point (6w5d). There is a yolk sac (probably on the right of the embryo) but its really indistinct.

I don't know why my last pregnancy failed. I've tried to find the answer in tests, in ultrasound pictures, in crown rump length measures- no luck whatsoever, other than the maybe-maybe not findings with the thyroid.


But now, I'm struck my the difference in the yolk sacs between the first and second times. Did my first baby have a not so great yolk sac? The doctors never commented, but I think they just give all of this the most cursory of attention. I also don't know if its because of different ultrasound machines used (my RE's office, sadly has the better ones). Seems doubtful though, the difference between the two pictures is stark. If any ultrasound wizards are lurking, please speak up.

The RE who did this ultrasound pronounced it 'textbook perfect' for this timepoint. I really don't know what to think. The thing that makes me the most nervous is Turbulence is kind of small, probably 2-3 days behind in CRL measurements. And then there is the yolk sac. The doc did not say it was abnormally large, she said it was a nice looking one. I've been here before. The kind of nice looking ultrasounds at early time points, people patting you on your head and telling you everything looks great.  I cannot trust anything, or have faith now. I need to see the proof of a baby past 3 months. That is what it is going to take, and its going to be a long few weeks ahead.


Next u/s is on Wednesday morning. Followed by 9 days of staying home.

But for now, all is well.

Oh crap (with update)

I'm, well, bleeding. Its brown and stringy and clearly old blood mixed in with a lot of mucous. If you talk to Dr. Google, this can be innocuous, it can be the sign of impending doom, it can be everything or nothing. Oh, and there is also slight cramping to take the fear to higher levels

In my first pregnancy, I often frequented the baby and bump forums, and I'd find all these women coming up with thread tittles like, 'I'm bleeding, please help!'. The last part always used to surprise me, like how on earth can a bunch of women on message boards (or even qualified doctors) help you??? This is between you and nature, and if nature decides to wallop you, then that is what is going to happen.

But now I understand what they mean by help (or somewhat do). But the one person who could help now, would be my mother. I wish she was here. Going through this alone is so bloody tough.

Ok, its the end of the day, and the bleeding (if you can call it that, several little strings of very dark red stuff, maybe enough to fill up a teaspoon at best) lasted only the morning. And I had tons of creamy CM with it. Now its all dried up, there is nothing.

I've been on thyroid hormone for around 6 weeks now and my TSH is very low now, but according to the docs, still in normal range. If your TSH is very low or undetectable, then its a good indicator that you may be hyperthyroid, that you got too much hormone. According to the last test (2 weeks ago) I'm not there yet, but then I'm nervous because it has been two weeks since and things might have changed.  Its fairly illogical at this point but in my head I'm linking hyperthyroidism to increased risk of m/c (and maybe blaming it for the bleed too); Does not add up scientifically but try telling that to my panicky brain!

I still have the symptoms of high progesterone, the sore boobs and the other pregnancy symptoms. After every meal today I've felt like I might throw up.  I have no idea what to make of any of this.

Right now, I'm feeling neither positive, nor negative---I'm just numb, and kinda sleepy, which helps tremendously. Hope this will not be one of those nights when the fear is so great it wakes you up at odd hours.

Ramblings

I woke up at 6:45 am on a Sunday. It would be entirely horrifying but for the fact that its a pregnancy symptom, hence it makes me ecstatic. Yes, pregnancy brain is a very weird thing indeed.

This next bit is a rant.


My  perinatologist flatly refused to get me tested for any of the thromobophilias (factor V leiden/ MTHFR) saying a) that the test results are hard to interpret and b) I've only miscarried once. Its like saying, lets wait till you do it once or twice more (because each time is so much fun) before we test you further. Its the same attitude my old OB had when she refused to order any more tests after they got the normal fetal karyotype result back. She assured me that in 99% of the cases (even the repeat miscarriers) they *never* find a cause, despite running all these oh-so-expensive tests.  Then I come back positive for the anti-TPO antibodies which are found in 10 % of the population AND are linked to miscarriage. Even more damning are the facts that a ) I do have an incredibly strong family history of hypothyroidism and b) TPO antibodies are found in  a lot of women with TSH levels in the normal range! If they had ordered those tests and stated treating me, I think there would have been the slight possibility that my first baby would have made it. Still, that is water under the bridge now, but when I think of all this, its only natural when I feel like I SHOULD be now second guessing my doctors.  Still, I think the possibility of me testing positive for the thrombophilias are really, really low, so I'll let this one go.

But still, I think this is a topic that strikes close to home to a lot of people- how much do you have to go through before your doctors 'waste' some of your insurance's money and decide to test you? Are series of wasted tests worth it for even the slightest possibility that one might actually find something?

happenings in pregnancy land

I think I need to write something even if I have nothing real to report, its a compulsion. Anyway, I'm hanging in there, just have to have faith and patiently wait till November 10th, when my first u/s will be. I'll be 6w5d at that point.

As for now,I have heartburn and heartburn-induced (if such a thing is possible) nausea.  I was taking Tums (had to look hard to find the white ones) then I realized they have crazy stuff like mineral oil and talc in there- why the #$#%# does the industry feel compelled to put crap in everything it makes? Now, if things get worse, I'll have to find  some source of heartburn relief and I have  feeling I'll find something objectionable in everything I look.
 
There is also the bizarre sleeping habits- my usual bedtime is about 1 am (I kid you not), and my slap-the-snooze-button ritual starts at 7.45 am and goes on for about half an hour.  Now I'm in bed by 10 pm and wide awake by 7 am, its utterly shocking.

I pray for cramps, which I take as a sign of the uterus stretching and  accommodating itself for the little one, but I have not had much of that lately. Again, this is where the faith bit kicks in.

As far the doctor front goes, I now have a reproductive endocrinologist, a perinatologist and a regular endocrinologist ...a bit exhausting to think about.  Have my first consult with  the endo today, and we'll be talking about whether I am skating on the edge of thyrotoxicity or not.


Update about thyroid : I met a very junior endocrinologist (= easier to bully, and I'm definitely the bullying kind of patient, the kind that tries to make their doctor order all sorts of tests they think they need). She (and the older un bully-able doctor she bought in later)  pronounced my super-low TSH (0.4) and total T4 (10.5) absolutely perfect for pregnancy.  I'll be retested on a regular basis but right now they think everything is dandy.

On another note- scientists really do make the most exasperating patients.. I know somebody else who has this rare and undiagnosable condition resulting in a  pretty scary potassium deficiency, he actually sequences his own genome and  makes powerpoint presentations to take in to his poor doctors. Compared to that, I'm probably not so bad.

Congrats again to the newly pregnant S and HopefulCC, and I'm keeping  Mo in my thoughts- looks like things are going well!

A panicky idiot

That is what ONE loss makes out of you. Seriously.

First let me start out with the best news I've had all week: my anti-cardiolipin antibody levels have dropped from the 'maybe-something-to-worry-about' zone to the 'its negative' zone! The bad news- I think my doctors are going to collectively put a hit out on me before this is over because, boy, I might just end up being the patient from hell.  Now I'm wondering whether I should get the risks for thrombophilia (factor V Leiden, MTHFR) etc investigated. There is not really a good medical reason to do this, except that it will make me sleep easier at night.

My first ultrasound is at 6 weeks and 5 days, which is November 10th.  As far as first trimester TLC goes, I'm very tempted to make them see me *almost* every week. The good thing is I've already run this by them and they didn't even blink. I'm debating paying 160 bucks out of pocket and going to an RE for an even earlier ultrasound (maybe 5 weeks and 5 days) which is just plain silly, especially given that I might go into a panic if they see no heartbeat that early. Plus, why waste the money when I can have a u/s for the cost of a copay in a week's time? But still, I'm so tempted.

I want to relax and go into the the 'nothing-bad-can-possibly-happen-because-everything-looks-so-gosh-darned-good' mindset I had in my first pregnancy but that is just not going to happen. I'm trying to curb some of my more drastic impulses though, wish me luck!

In the meantime, 'Turbulence' is continuing to earn her nickname- I skipped out on my customary glass of yogurt before I went to bed last time- she woke me up at 3 am with the most horrific hunger pangs ever. Its like feed me NOW or I'll make you pay. Had to stumble out to get that glass of yogurt- my 4th time up last night!! And I'm enjoying every second of it, in a weird, perverse way :-)

bloodwork part 1

The best idea I ever had was to start a blog during this process. When you get results back, you WANT to share, but who really is willing to listen? Nobody other than you guys and I love you all for it!

18 DPO beta- 1702 (last time was 2500 at 19 DPO, so sounds about the same)

See the  betabase link for that day.

The rest is horribly technical but I'm sad to say too many of the people reading will actually be able to interpret these values easily,  oh for those days of blissful ignorance.

TSH- 0.4!! (nosedived from 2.86- its quite a dive down, but I guess I'm not hyperthyroid yet)
T4- 10.5 (close to upper limit of the normal range)
Lupus anti-coagulant DRVVT test ratio is 1.07- the same down to the decimal point as last time 5 weeks ago! You are considered positive for Lupus anti-coagulant (scary stuff highly likely to kill your baby) if your ratio is 1.2 or above, from this lab.


If I were a betting woman, I'd say the cardiolipin IgG value will come back as the same, which will probably get me put on aspirin. God knows what any of this means anymore.

I told my mother I was pregnant (I can never keep anything from her long) and she was 'not surprised'. She kept telling me not to be negative- man, I have to say, the pressure to 'stay positive' is itself stress inducing.

Fear

I need to start this post with the confession that I am quite unable to give my babies cute nicknames, only wacky ones. Sorry, my little ones. My first baby got stick with the moniker 'Bighead' at the second ultrasound when I was utterly struck by how huge his head was compared to the rest of him. This new one- well read on.

This post is about all my darkest feelings. As I continue to feel more of this new pregnancy every day (nausea, heartburn, uterine cramps), there is a part of me that is happy and hopeful but there is this sick, dark place inside me waiting for the Sword of Damocles to drop again, for me to go to an ultrasound and find out its all over all over again.

A huge part of this fear is because I have no idea what went wrong. Often when babies are lost its a case of slow doubling or low betas, when chromosomal abnormalities are discovered or at least, strongly suspected. My last pregnancy was not like that. My first baby ( poor little Bighead) was a champion to start off with. His betas were off-the-charts, unbelievably good and they doubled perfectly. His chromosomes were beautifully normal.  You cannot ask for a better start to any pregnancy, and yet, he was dead probably at the 10 week mark. Everything suggests to him being fine, that it was something else that went wrong. How can you box at shadows?  I'm hopeful yes, but there also lives this horrible place inside of me which is just mentally steeling itself for the worst.  I cannot shake it off, no matter how I try. Its almost like a defense mechanism, that horrifying news will be better tolerated if its anticipated. That of course is a load of crock, nothing can soften the blow if it comes at you again.

All of this fear is made worse by the fact that they DID find something wrong with me. If its just thyroid, then that, I think can be easily dealt with.  But then there are also the anti-cardiolipin antibodies. I had my consult with the perinatologist, and the verdict (which I had also come to) is to retest for them. If the repeat value comes back even at the slightly elevated, neither-here-nor-there value,  they start me on aspirin. Now, all the studies suggest that aspirin by itself possibly is not enough in case there is a real clotting problem. But my levels are not high enough to justify heparin, and moreover, giving somebody heparin when they don't need it is inviting trouble, you can have a bleed beneath the placenta which can itself result in pregnancy loss or you could end up in a potentially dangerous situation yourself. I will give blood to test for TSH and the dreaded cardiolipin IgG value this week.

I just need to genuinely believe that this will work, that my new baby (named 'Turbulence' because of the fact that she is tiny but already causing quite a bit of it,) will be ok.  She, like her older brother, is a strong, healthy baby.  I NEED to believe that my body will allow her to make it..I just don't know how. The proof is in the pudding, and I haven't seen the darned thing yet!

So everybody, put your hands together and pray for 'Turbulence'!