Saturday, October 5, 2013

The balance between optimism and pessimism

Thank you all for your comments and your support and just coming here and reading, it means a lot to me.

Gwinnie, thank you for sharing what you did---I'm so glad you got your happy ending, and I'm also sorry that you had to go through that fear. Its difficult to say what the right way to handle things is...I've seen stories of women clinging to hope when you kind of looked at all the writing on the wall and you knew things were done. Personally, I've gone the opposite direction, I've seen the faint scribbles and partial markings on the wall, and jumped to conclusions. Unfortunately, until now, with pregnancies 1 and 3, those conclusions turned out to be the correct ones.

Yet, I know, both approaches (clinging to hope vs. jumping to conclusions) have flaws, and unfortunately, we will never be able to find the perfect middle ground.

According to my parents, the best middle ground is to not think about it at all, and surprisingly, I do manage to accomplish that (around 80% of the way), most days other the ultrasound day, and the day before/after.  

But the days of the ultrasounds? That is when I am pretty much reduced to a gibbering mess,
Tiara asked me whether I felt optimistic, when I met her, and I told her that most days I'm neither optimistic nor pessimistic. Not on these days the darker emotions rule.

Its around 10w3d, and J goes in for her next U/S today, around now. I agonized as to whether I should go along or not. In the end I decided not to. I have pregnancy PTSD, more specifically, ultrasound PTSD. I don't want to go there and see a heart that beats no more, never again. My mom (my amazing mom) has gone in my stead...let us hope she gets to see her grandchild alive and doing okay.

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