Friday, February 8, 2013

Another rolling of the dice (updated)

Yesterday was a big day. My sole 3AA embryo was thawed, and transferred to my surrogate. Things went well.

Its so surreal that this is happening again, and I have no part in it.  The one overwhelming emotion I felt was gratitude that it was not me going through this again- that 2ww, the waking up 3 times a night, the changes in your body, the sheer terror of waiting to see how things will go. I LOVED everything the first time I was pregnant. I used to walk around with this foolish smile, savoring it all, even the crummy bits. The second time, I was also excited, yet scared. By the 3rd time, I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore, stress was the one thing that stood out.

Now, all of this pregnancy-related noise, instead of being a roar in my head, is a dull noise in the background. I'm still scared, but yet, I feel protected by distance. That is a good thing.  

BUT-There is always a pro and a con- I cannot find out in 5-6 days if my embryo got to win the first battle and invade that uterine wall- I have to wait 12 days for the beta. That is positively cruel. But its all relative- I heard that in England, they do not even bother with a beta during surrogacy, they go straight to the  6(?) week U/S. 

I have not told anybody at home the transfer happened yesterday- They know the surrogate's(lets call her R) cycle is underway, but they did not ask, and I did not tell, because I don't want them to have to play this waiting game with me.  Its all so very surreal- how can your baby/embryo be alive and not within you? How can something so utterly momentous have nothing to do with you? How can you be ok with such a situation?

This is a very strange world we live in, where very strange things are possible.  And I thank god for it.

Update: A couple of you have asked if the surrogate would be doing HPTs. This is definitely an available option, I could meet the handler, give her the sticks, and the instructions, but it would also complicate stuff. I'm fairly sure R has never even heard of a home pregnancy test, much less taken one. Nor probably has the handler, who has been a surrogate herself.  I find myself overall, reluctant to do something like this, because it is complicated and decreases that distance I want to maintain to protect myself from the terrifying reality of all this. But that is me talking right now. I may *totally* cave in 5 days. But I know this from experience- testing early always makes for unnecessary drama. It will be nice If I can find the inner discipline to avoid it this time around.

17 comments:

  1. Jay - I hope this time is IT!!! Sending so many positive thoughts!!

    Mo

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  2. Sending good thoughts and prayers for you, R and your 3AA embryo!

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  3. Michaela SzidloskiFebruary 8, 2013 at 8:03 PM

    Oh I am praying that your little embaby is snuggling in! The wait is torturous! 

    My first pregnancy I was so clueless that anything could go wrong. I was gleeful all the time.

    What I wouldn't give to have that naivete back.

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  4. Wow, how surreal. Best wishes for you. Praying for a wonderful outcome to the process this time!

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  5. Wow! It's all happening! 12 days is a long time to wait, but I guess that's what you have to deal with. Is she going to take a pregnancy test before the beta, though? Is she allowed to do that and tell you the result?

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  6. Aaaaah!  Sending you and R much positive energy.  Will be thinking of you.  I see how the 2ww from this perspective would feel vastly different - better in some ways and frustrating in others.  May this cycle be fruitful!

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  7. Here's to a fast 12 days and to reproductive marvels (my situation was sort of the opposite of yours as I carried my babies, which were donor embryos).   I will be thinking of you and R.

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  8. This is so interesting to read - I've never really thought about the TWW from your perspective. 

    I think you're right, that distance is good in a situation like this.  I so wish I could have distanced myself from our TWW's.  Twelve days is a long time to wait though.

    I am curious, is there any chance your surrogate would HPT?  Is that something you'd like her to do? 

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  9. Great news that the thaw and transfer went well. Hope the next 12 days pass quickly. Good luck!!!

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  10. Sending your little embie lots of good growing vibes!  Fingers and toes crossed for all 3 of you!

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  11. I wish you the very best of luck, Jay!  Hope the 12 days pass relatively quickly for you and you receive great news on the other side.

    Tara

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  12. I'm glad the transfer went well and I am hoping that your little embryo is snuggling in and growing. Here's hoping the next 12 days fly by.

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  13. Keeping good thoughts for your embie & for you

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  14. Wishing you the best of luck! The embie and the surrogate are in my constant prayers. I hope the next 12 days pass away as a dream...hang in there!

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  15. Glad the transfer went well.  Good Luck!

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  16. Oh my goodness, Jay. This is happening RIGHT NOW!! I'm sorry I've been such a lame blog follower, and happy to return and find this news of your surrogate being PUPO.
    After what you have been through, dear woman, I think you are wise to take some measures to protect your heart. You are not closing it off completely, but just taking some measures to protect it. I know I would be doing the same thing. And I understand your leaning toward waiting for beta day. It will be more unequivocal at that point in time. And what you need is a yes or a no. Not a maybe (And I am imploring all deities that it is a YES).
    I am keeping you in my thoughts, dear woman.

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  17. Hi Jay! I just found your blog via Chasing Rainbows.  I'm still catching up on your story, but want to thank you the tons of wonderful information that you have available here. 

    Also, fingers crossed for your surrogates transfer!  Will keep you in my thought that the embryo stays nice and snug for a good nine months!

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