Sunday, November 4, 2012

A time of horror

I had my retrieval last night. They got 11 eggs, so that did not seem too shabby.

I came home, was given Lyrica by my mom and went straight to sleep. Around 3 am, my parents woke me up. My cat, who likes to hang out in our garden (only at night, she is so contrary), which is gated and fenced, was attacked by feral stray dogs that came in through the gate somebody left slightly ajar. My dogs, who were inside the house started barking and my dad and housekeeper rushed out,chased the dogs away,  to find her mauled and barely alive. They bought her in and 10 minutes later she died.

This was a cat I'd rescued from a shelter. I  formed such a deep bond with her that when I left the country, I bought her with me, to keep her safe and give her a good life. It took her a while to get adjusted- which she finally did and now, this happened. I could not keep her safe, I feel so guilty and I'm such a mess emotionally, I can't believe she is gone, I have not been able to stop crying since I woke up this morning.

To add to the misery (that is all that seems to be on the menu for now), I got the fertilization report- out of the 11 eggs, only 4 were mature(in the M2 stage), and 3 out of the 4 fertilized.  None of the 2 M1s fertilized, and from the 4 immature eggs, which were put through in vitro maturation, one made it to M1 and was injected with sperm today.

So at the very best, I may end up with 4 blasts to freeze on day 5, but I doubt I will be that lucky.

My RE is baffled-my case is so, so weird. He says he will do another IVF only if something changes with my AFC or AMH, but right now, I am a shitty responder to superovulation, apparently.

The best thing for me would be to try again naturally- I've gotten pregnant 3 out of 4 times. But I'm done with that- I can't handle another loss.

I'll figure out what to do later, but right now, I'm shaken and saddened to my very core. Out of the two horrible things that have happened today- If I could make  the universe fix one of these 2 things, it would be what happened to my poor, poor cat.

When the universe hurls crap at you, boy is it generous.

20 comments:

  1. Sweet Jay, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and sending love and support across the ocean. xoxo

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  2. Michaela SzidloskiNovember 4, 2012 at 6:18 PM

    Oh Jay I am so, so sorry!!

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  3. I am very sorry Jay ! I understand that it is a difficult time for you.  IVF is a very difficult path and I am so used to it after 6 IVFs ! But still not everything has gone out of your hand. 4 embryos is good too and let us hope for the best.

    I am very sorry that your cat died. I know how you would have felt and we always had cats at home. I have gone through the pain of losing pets-it really hurts !

    (((HUGS))) Whatelse I can do? : (

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  4. Oh my dear, this breaks my heart. My cat is truly one of the most precious things in the world to me, and they just mean so much to us who love them. I can't imagine your heartache over what happened and I am just so sorry. It makes me furious at those dogs. I am crying with you in this loss. I'm also praying for good results for those strong little eggs that were able to fertilize! Hugs to you.

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  5. I am so very sorry. The universe certainly is hitting you hard. Sending good thoughts to you & hoping for the best with your embies

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  6. Hi, Jay. I am so sorry this cycle is turning out really disappointingly :( I still have a lot of hope for the embies you do have, though. Also, with your E2 at trigger and number of eggs, I don't really think it puts you firmly in low responder territory, it just sounds like maybe you need a different protocol to achieve your best response. I know that if you're hoping to do any form of PGS, maximizing your response and getting a lot of embryos is important. You will be in my thoughts and I really hope you will be pleasantly surprised with how things turn out. Also, I am so so sorry about your cat :( That is truly awful. Big hugs to you today.

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  7. I am so sorry Jay. :-( I can imagine how you feel. I'm sending you much love and care in this painful time. Still holding hope for your embies.

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  8. I'm sorry everything is so shitty right now.  The way your cat died is so shocking. I hope you can start to feel better about that - just a very sad event that you could not have foreseen.  I wish you the best of luck as you proceed through IVF.

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  9. Sorry you are going through this, it seems like you are dealing with a lot. I can totally relate to not responding well.  The most eggs I was ever able to retrieve was 2 but the other times I only got 1. Everyone said it only takes one which is true but still annoying.
    I hate to hear what happened to your cat, what a loss.  I bet you shared some wonderful times and she had a wonderful life wit you.

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  10. Ah, damn.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your cat--truly horrifying, but the timing just adds insult to injury.

    As for the IVF, yeah, I'm sorry there too.  Your cycle sounds a lot like mine, although your IUI history is very different than mine was.  It's all on my blog, so I won't rehash it here, though I'd be happy to "chat" over email.  Short version:  I had an AFC of 12, 7 mature follicles on ultrasound (and an E2 to back that up), 4 eggs retrieved, 2 mature, 2 fert, no pregnancy to show for it.   Ended up going to egg donor after many more IUIs.  I'd agree with whoever said it might be the protocol, not your egg quality in general.  I might be wrong about this, but I seem to recall overexposure to stim drugs (as might have happened to those larger follicles) can be a bad thing, esp. if it contains LH (see Dr. Sher's webiste).

    It's disappointing, I know.  I'd go back to unmedicated cycles in a heartbeat, knowing how easily you conceive (yes, I know there's an RPL issue).  But I hope this pans out.  It does for many with only a couple fertilized eggs...

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  11. Sending virtual hugs, Jay, I'm sorry you're going through so much right now.  I can't imagine what a shock that must have been to lose your cat after getting so attached and taking pains to move her to another country. I know the news on the IVF front looks bleak right now, but I will keep all my fingers and toes crossed that your take-home baby is one of those 3 (or 4) fertilized eggs.  You really deserve a break.

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  12. I'm so sorry for your kitty. What a horrific end to her sweet life. I'm sending you hugs, my friend, as you grieve for your beloved cat.

    I'm sorry that your eggs are not maturing as you, and all of us, had hoped.

    You are facing an unusual load of awfulness at the moment. I hope that means skies are about to get brighter. Thinking of you.

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  13. Oh Jay, I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. How heartbreaking and devastating.
    I'm sorry also about your fertilization report. I hope all four make it to freezing and that at least one becomes your baby.

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  14. Oh Jay, I'm so sad for you!  I know how important our dog was for me when we were trying (and failing, and failing and failing).  Hugs.

    I am also sorry for your crummy fert report and  I hope that you get good news soon.  Hugs.

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  15. Oh my - I am devastated for you and your cat.  I'm so sorry to hear this.  My heart goes out to you.  I totally understand your feelings of wishing you could fix that over the fertilization report.  I would feel the same way.

    Hang in there.

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  16. Jay, I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved cat. My heart aches for you.

    I'm also sorry to hear about your fert report. Obviously those are not the kind of numbers you want, but it doesn't mean all hope is lost. One of my close friends struggled to get pregnant and lost the pregnancies that occurred, then went on to IVF and had 3 embryos on day 3 that were so-so looking at best. They transferred all 3, and she had her son. A couple years later, same thing, same poor response, and she had her daughter. She was around 30 at the time her son was born, and that IVF cycle was around the same time we did our 1st cycle. By contrast, we had 17 embryos that all looked great on day 3 of that cycle, transferred 2, 10 more made it to blast, and none of them resulted in a take-home baby - it took us nearly 6 more years to achieve that. Just goes to prove that numbers (and looks!) aren't everything, especially when it comes to IVF...

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  17. I'm so sorry about both your cat and your fertilization report.  It' s been awhile since I lost a cat, but I know that pain.  And it sucks. 

    As for the fertilization report, I can't imagine, out of 11 eggs... wow.  I will keep your 4 embryos in my thoughts. 

    Hugs.

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  18. Jay, I'm so sorry:(((((( I'm just reading this horrible news now, and feeling very heartsick for you. Your poor meow. It broke my heart to read about, but that's a drop int he bucket - I am sure - when compared to what you had to experience. Sometimes the world is so ugly and horrible that it makes me want to take to bed and throw the blankets over my head. 

    I am thinking good thoughts for your embryos. Sometimes when things look really, really bleak, good things can actually happen. (I'm living proof and I"m going to hope so for you).

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  19. Oh I am so so sorry about both things, but especially your cat. My thoughts are with you. You're so right about it pouring when raining.

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  20. Jay, just checking in. I am so sorry about your cat. :(  So, are you planning to use a surrogate?

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