Monday, October 1, 2012

"You are hell bent on ruining your life"

I've been hearing a lot of that lately. Its coming from my mom and dad, when they talk about my insistence to have a baby as a single mom, and raising that child all by myself.

We've been doing the arranged marriage circuit(since I'm still open to either the Plan A or Plan B route of family building). We flew down to City X and met a guy my entire family literally drooled over- highly respected, very rich, very accomplished. and capable. I liked him too, he was nice, kind and easy to talk to. But I was not attracted to him in the slightest and he wanted to live in India, which, definitely, is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I said nay, and basically, got the "You are hell-bent on ruining your life" spiel.

Its not like single mothers ruin their lives. They do have a difficult time of things though. But that lifestyle is utterly alien and terrifying to my parents. I can't even begin to convince my parents that everything will be ok, if I go that route because life comes with no such guarantees.

My parents keep telling me I can easily have it all...a father, grandparents for my baby, a superb support system, everything,while simultaneously reminding me of what I'm robbing my child of, by going the single parent route. Its the old argument, made new again, and I'm getting hit with it constantly. And its not even like I can dispute any of the above-- if I go with plan A, I can still give my child a better life than as a single mom.

But if I just agree to marry just anybody for the sake of avoiding single parenthood, it could end disastrously. My parents are convinced it would not be so, and they are coming from a culture where people married each other with little introduction, and in many cases, built successful marriages based on camaraderie and a mutual respect. It is not enough for me.  But who knows, if I forced myself down this path, it may even end well. 

The good (or bad) news is I can't force myself to marry just for the sake of marrying. And there has been so much arguing just to get me to do just that (as long as I can respect the guy!). Yet, to give my parents credit, they hate what I'm doing, but are helping me with it nonetheless.

Right now, its this cauldron of guilt, fear and whatifs I'm swimming in. I don't know what I should do, but I know what feels wrong--- I'm steering clear of that. But its not easy at all.


  1. You're right.  There is nothing easy in choosing either path.  I think we all have people in our lives (and maybe even ourselves occasionally) who think that we are ruining our lives.    It is just that they are not in our positions.  I am glad your family is supporting you even though they can't fully understand.  I wish you the best with the surrogacy route.  

  2. Wow, this is really interesting.  I love your relationship with your parents - how you can totally disagree with one another, yet still respect and listen to each other.  And I've thought about arranged marriages and consider this route to have positives for sure (if the people have a say and are a good match/respect each other).  Look how many "regular" marriages don't work out.  Sometimes I think as it is we have way too many choices in that area.  People end up wanting perfection and not to make a bad choice - and if they're not satisfied, there's plenty of other choices out there, etc.

  3. Sounds like a tough situation with people who adore you and are reasonable. That's a blessing. But the pressure must be hard to take some days. You have always been very clear on the baby; but like you said, forcing the husband issue could lead to disaster. It probably helps them though that you are keeping an open mind and meeting guys X, Y and Z. And who knows, maybe one of these letters fits with Jay. 

  4. Delurking to say how much I admire you and your fortitude.  Good for you for going after what you want!  And good for your parents for supporting you - even when they're not verbally supporting you  ;)  Their actions speak louder than their words and their love for you is obvious  :)

  5. You can't force feelings. My Gramma always said, "The heart wants what the heart wants" cliche I know but you have to follow what you feel in your heart. It sounds as tho your parents will still support you either way.