Friday, January 13, 2012

Why hello 2012...or Que Sera Sera

From one angle, 2010 was possibly the worst year of my life thus far. I spent almost 5 months of that year pregnant, with nothing to show for it but two traumatic pregnancy losses.  From another angle, that year was actually not wholly negative. My losses changed me in positive ways. They showed me how much I could endure and still be ok, they made me realize that looking at the small picture only suffocates you, you have to take life in stride or you just end up floundering. I don't think any other sort of misfortune could have taught me these life lessons THAT effectively. It also bought discoveries that helped me and other people, such as the Vitamin D thing.

2011 was the year I healed and shed bad habits that had built up over the past decade, and was just wholly positive. I learned to just live life, and enjoy the simple things while NOT biting my nails to the quick trying to envision the end of this fertility odyssey.

2012 is the year I have to say, once more into the breach. Giant ULP. Its when , I sincerely hope, that I don't get tested on the lessons I learned in 2010. But if I do, I want to get through it with relatively well.   Being in contact with the ALI community has taught me so much- I've seen so many stories of horrific periods of infertility and  repeated pregnancy loss ultimately culminate in happy endings. It can take years. We have no effin idea whats around the bend, and trying to predict it is a fool's errand.

About the guy- that is a no go. I met him a 4th time after my week on the high seas (which was just heavenly by the way). I have no idea what his long term goals are, but in the short term, he, like the majority unattached guys in NYC I've met, just wants to jump my bones, and like the rest of them, after a point, can't seem to get past that item on the agenda. Seriously, moving here has not been good for my opinion of the opposite sex. I've met just TWO nice guys (who were sadly, unexciting) or interesting pigs, or just plain pigs. UGH. Anyway, coming back to this guy, he had a very good chance to tell me about the fact that he was still married, but did not take it. Its kind of sad to see a 37 year old guy with two babies at home chasing after women like that is going to solve every single problem he has. Anyway, that one evening extinguished any feelings I had very effectively. I was a bit sad the next day- not because I knew there was no chance I wanted anything with him, but because my respite from the frightening reality looming in front of me was up. Single motherhood has its own share of uphill battles, but you combine it with the possibility of recurrent pregnancy loss, it is quite a prospect to contend with. 

Anyway- this was not meant to be a negative post, but it ended up sounding like one.  But I'm neither negative nor nor positive. My attitude simply is--Que Sera, Sera. No matter what happens, I'll be ok. My IUI comes up early next month.

I have some sciency stuff to discuss- that can wait for another post! Happy 2012 everyone! I hope it only brings you all good things.

Also- its International Blog Delurking week. I see people from all over the world here, I'd LOVE to hear from you!


  1. Hi Jay,

    Delurking to say I really enjoy your blog and am wishing you a fantastic 2012 with lots of sticky baby dust.

    I remember the feeling of letting go dating as i was starting to TTC in earnest, and how mixed up it all was for me...

    I think your que sera sera attitude is a great one to take "once more into the breach" and next month's IUI.

    - SMC mom to Millie, 6 months

  2. Jay, happy 2012. And I hope that there are no tests waiting for you, unless they are very positive ones. I'm REALLY sorry to hear about they guy. What a schmuckaroo. I love NYC in many ways. But I did not love being a single gal in NYC. I think it's one of the harder places to do it (and there have even been studies to this effect!). He doesn't know what he's missing but good on you for recognizing what he was about.

    Have you ever read that Roethke poem, The Waking? I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow? It's a good one and your post reminded me of it. Step by step. Moment by moment.

    I am thinking very good thoughts for next month.

  3. You're right, Jay, no matter what happens you will be okay.  You've done everything you can possible do to prepare for next month - and soon that moment will be here.  I will be following closely and sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers - now as you continue to prepare your body, and while you're in the tww.   
    And continue to believe. 

    As for that guy - you deserve so much better than that immature, cowardly "man".  I'm so glad you are not wasting any more time on him.  When the time is right, your ideal mate will come into your life.  I truly believe that.... that's what I'm banking on at least :) 

  4. I love love love & admire your attitude. If I had been in your shoes, I think it might have broke me. Too bad about the guy but it sounds like you're better off without him. Keeping positive thoughts for you for February.

  5. I have given up on dating all together b/c of "shit' like that. I actually find it really disrespectful when all a guy is trying to do is jump your bones. It like "Buddy! I just met you! Back off!"

    Anyway I can also relate to the SMC and the RPL! Sucks!

    I pray your IUI is a success followed by a wonderfully, blissful 9 months!

  6. Men are ridiculous sometimes.  Hoping for a better 2012 for us both!

  7. Dear Jay, 

    I am pregnant for the first time and you are one of the biggest reasons for that to happen. The only treatment I took was the vit D3 supplementation. It takes great inner strength to take a bad situation and turn it into something so positive that it has made such a difference in so many lives. I am sure that you deserve so much and will surely get it. I just hope its sooner rather than later. You do seem very stoic in this post and perhaps that is a good attitude. Just remember, you were made for greater things and these small glitches really don't deserve your attention. I hope and pray all goes well for both of us this year. God bless.


  8. Adele, thanks so much for pointing me to that poem. I'd never read it, but one line '' I learn by going where I have to go" just so eloquently sums up what I feel about this entire journey so far.  I think remembering that will really help if the going gets tough.

    Thanks for all the positive thoughts. Your comments on my blog are always so thoughtful, and mean a lot to me.

  9. Trier, I was feeling kinda low when I saw your comment, and what you said just helped me feel much better. I'm so very happy you are pregnant, how long have you been trying? If Vitamin D truly has something to do with it (we can never know for sure), it means something positive has emerged from those sad things, and that makes me so very happy.

  10. Tara, thanks for delurking:) Glad you enjoy the blog!

  11. :) You really deserve to feel soo good - I for one, am extremely grateful to you. My partner and I have been 'trying' for over a year (tmi alert: Unprotected for much longer) and amongst other things, I had a low AMH and vit D3 deficiency. I supplemented vit D3 towards mid oct, at 100000 IUs fortnightly and then 1 per month and got my AMH checked, it had shot from 6 to 21 :). Before I could finish my D3 dosage, I had this little surprise in me! I plan to switch to a decent 1000 IUs a day.  I am not sure how, but if a deficiency of Vit D3 in the mother can affect the foetus adversely, this must be natures own defence mechanism. I wish you luck with getting this published and good luck in life.

  12. Thanks Trier. I'd say that 1000 IU daily is probably ok for a few weeks, given that you have been on such massive doses, but after a while you should increase it. I was taking almost 2000 IU during my pregnancy and was found to be clinically deficient after!

    Studies show that 4000 IU/day is ideal for pregnancy (i'd go with this) and some sources even say go as high as 6000 IU/day.

    I'm not sure if you've seen this, but this is a good website to visit,

  13. Happy New Year, dear Jay. I hope it's wonderful. I'm excited about your IUI next month and you can count on me to cheer you on!
    I'm sorry the guy turned out to be such a disappointment. You deserve the best and he sure didn't end up sounding like he is anywhere near to the best.

  14. Thanks Jay - That's a good link. I will talk to my GP about increasing my dosage.