The last time I initiated serious planning for TTC was Jan 2010. At that point, even though I was about months away from the actual process, my routines started changing. I no longer felt like going out. I became more of a stay-home-in-my-jammies kind of person. Now, to my dismay, the very same process is restarting. I should be getting ready to go out and help somebody celebrate graduating. I don't WANT to. I have done nothing the entire day other than catch up on chores, watch TV and work. I should be getting ready to go out and mingle with other human beings. But I can't bring myself to and I'm feeling bad because there is another person inside of me who actually does want to go out, but TTC me won't let her.
I don't like this version of myself, because I'm much more of a hermit than I normally am. And NYC is going to be even more isolating than San Diego- people go out late and they stay out till the wee hours of the morning.Nobody stays in and plays boardgames and watches movies. I'm going to be spending SO much time by myself once the TTC process actually begins- I don't want this exile to begin even earlier, but that is what it looks like its going to be.
And sometimes, I wonder for what it all is. The last time I jumped into this process, I was so very certain I'd get to take a baby home. Now, no such confidence exits, only a hope. Its going to be a bloody scary, and quiet few months (hopefully, an entire year). Thank god for this virtual universe and you guys!
I don't like this version of myself, because I'm much more of a hermit than I normally am. And NYC is going to be even more isolating than San Diego- people go out late and they stay out till the wee hours of the morning.Nobody stays in and plays boardgames and watches movies. I'm going to be spending SO much time by myself once the TTC process actually begins- I don't want this exile to begin even earlier, but that is what it looks like its going to be.
And sometimes, I wonder for what it all is. The last time I jumped into this process, I was so very certain I'd get to take a baby home. Now, no such confidence exits, only a hope. Its going to be a bloody scary, and quiet few months (hopefully, an entire year). Thank god for this virtual universe and you guys!
I understand the emotions. Take it one step at a time. Be a hermit when you need to, but try to not cut everyone completely out. I'm glad you still have hope.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you will find a way to strike a balance. You don't have to go out every night, or hell, every week, but maybe compromise with yourself to agree to be social for special occasions? I dunno, I'm a much bigger fan of staying in, or hanging out with friends at their houses, or going to low-key pubs or sports bars than the all-night rager scene myself.
ReplyDeleteJay.. just take it one step at a time. There is never going to be the right time to conceive. Just do it, don't have regrets when you look back in your life. You are in my thoughts, my friends.
ReplyDeleteHope is a good start...a little hope can go a long way. Thinking of you
ReplyDeleteCome to the SMC conference next weekend.
ReplyDeleteHi Jay! Woot, boardgames. Consider yourself hooked to beat my ass at Scrabble via the internet at any time. Lonely is my name after switching coasts, too. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso wanted to just tell you how instrumental your blog has been to make me track down the Vitamin D thing. It's given me loads of hope that I can do this bit successfully.
I think that turning inward is inevitable, but I do know what you mean. However, I'm keeping fingers crossed that you're going to be a lot of hermit-ing in the near future. And, yeah, there's no way to know and it's hard to know where on the spectrum of confidence and hope to hang your hat. But I am keeping fingers and toes crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, its expensive! Have you been for these before?
ReplyDeletehaha, thanks, I might just take you up on that scrabble offer sometime!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad if anything I've put out here seems useful, I really hope it actually has been, but biology is a mysterious, sneaky bitch--even when things go right, we're still left mystified as to why that was.
Just got your text. Thought I'd respond here for you and anyone else reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've been to them before, and yes, it's worth it. I went to one when I was trying, and one when Sunshine was about 7 months old. After meeting me and Sunshine at that conference and hearing our story, one SMC donated some of her embryos to another women she met at the conference! I've found the conferences to be much more informative, etc. than the local meetings. And this is a big one, as it's the Single Moms by Choice organization's 30th anniversary. I believe they have about 200 people attending, and people are traveling from all over. I saw an email from a woman who is flying in from Paris with her daughter.
haha, ok, you convinced me, I just registered :)
ReplyDeleteYAY! See you tomorrow!
ReplyDelete