Being kind to myself

Its been a few days of serious mental conflict. After first deciding that I'd go ahead with insemination this month, I realized I just couldn't. You cannot do something so potentially life-altering when your mind swings like a pendulum every 2 minutes. I don't know if this guy I'm interested in could feel the same way about me, but I've realized that if I later discover that it is indeed the case, it would be a pretty messed up situation. One more month should be enough to figure out how he feels. I honestly don't think he returns my feelings, but I need to rule out the possibility before proceeding.

Plus, I just want to have some fun. These past few months have been grueling mentally. I went from somebody who has never experienced death to losing a child (thank god only at the embryo stage) and then 2 days ago, my beloved labrador was put down because of kidney failure and arthritis. I'm having visions of my dog meeting my baby in heaven, and its pretty funny because I'm agnostic.

But, boy is there conflict. There is a part of me that is saying, enough punishment, time for a little respite and then there is the other part of me that desperately wants to try again, wants to be pregnant RIGHT AWAY, and more than anything, wants to find out if I am capable of actually sustaining a pregnancy.

But the one thing I do have a lot of, is time. I met my new RE- LOVE him! Had the most seriously painful ultrasound which helped determine that:
a) my uterus has normal structure (slightly arcuate but still ok, according to the doc). No fbroids or anything else problematic.
b)I have so many antral follicles (16 in each ovary!!) that he is having me tested for PCOS. I have no symptoms nor family history of PCOS so I'm only slightly nervous about this blood test.
c)He wants my miscarriage investigated further by running an autommune (anti-cardiolipin and lupus anti-coagulant) panel, because he says the fact that the chromosomes came up as normal is a little suspicious. Quite a change from all my other docs who looked at the normal karyotype result, shrugged and said, just try again!

So I'm being sensible, taking myself off to New Mexico this weekend instead of sitting around in town trying to keep myself away from the Doc's office. I'm getting blood tests done next week. And after that, until that next ovulation rolls up, I'm going to have FUN. Maybe a trip to Vegas with the new gang!