Clutching at healthy straws

I really have to get out of the habit of starting a post at midnight. Kinda ironic as this topic is supposed to be about the healthy lifestyle.  For the past few days, I've been thinking how much pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage has changed me. Before I got pregnant,  I never shopped  for organic produce,  never read labels,etc.  Once I was in the cycle I was going to try in, I did become a little more conscientious. But I still got tipsy once that cycle. I started but did not take the full dose of prenatals nor did I eat much fruit. So all in all, while I cannot be accused of gross carelessness before the IUI, I was not being too careful either. Of course, from the day I got sperminated (shameless plagiarism) it was organic food all the way, fresh fruit daily, lots of dairy, full dose of prenatals, etc.

After my loss though, I think I've gotten a bit cuckoo.  I've started seeing hidden enemies everywhere. Anything that is not organic has a skull and crossbones tattooed on it by my overactive imagination.  Just the thought of alcohol makes me feel ill, though there are so many times I want to go back to my old days of getting mildly buzzed occasionally.   I've stopped using almost all my Bath and Bodyworks products after reading the ingredient list (it reads like a chemical soup).  If I've gone though an entire day without eating oranges or strawberries or something loaded with vitamins and antioxidants, I feel uneasy. I've thrown out my yellow-dye laden Clinique moisturizer and replaced it with this natural line of products by Evan Healy (no regrets whatsoever, love this brand).  Just before I go to sleep I gulp down my hideously expensive but all natural prenatal vitamin (New Chapter Perfect) and conenzyme Q10. Any day now I should be getting Methyltetrahydrofolate and I'm cursing myself for not starting it sooner in this cycle (nevermind that my prenatal already supplies ample amounts of this).

Now, all of these are good, if expensive habits. What is slightly bothersome is that I'm seeing these as talismans that can somehow protect my next child.  Like, if I flood my system with enough antioxidants, it will neutralize every free radical and I'll make a genetically perfect egg. I know it does not work this way, but I've gotten careful to the point of paranoia.

For example: I had gone out for dinner last night. At the end of it, we got two brightly green toffees. 6 months ago I would have dived for it.  My friend took one and said it was really good, but all I could see there was all the artificial coloring that had given it its bright, lovely green color. How times have changed!