Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The weathering of storms

I have to admit, I have led a very charmed existence this first year, in that I have had tons of help in raising Gauri. I do not need to shower while having her perched in her rocker four feet away, the way I know many new moms have to do it, because there are always multiple somebodies available to take care of her. I can go out for adult meals when I want, though it is pretty darned rare. I can even take in a movie every now and then. I do not have to gobble down my food while keeping an eye on her.

And  the best of all, as I weathered a monster storm of tooth eruption combined with her first infection (a relatively mild respiratory tract infection that felled everybody in our family) combined with a maid with very poor decision making skills who came to work with conjunctivitis and promptly gave it to her, I had tons of help.

As she woke up screaming 4 times a night because she could not breathe because her nose was blocked, or when she coughed so hard she threw up, I had help. 

My dad and my mom (especially my dad) have been my rocks through this. My dad would insist on staying up through the night to help me with her, so I could get sleep. The night that I weathered the worst of the infection myself, my brothers took care of her so I could get sleep.

I would never dream of talking about all this because I know how rare this setup and such help is, but I am now, because in about 7-8 months time, I probably will leave it all behind to move to the US with Gauri by myself, and take care of her by myself. Most things I am okay with, but what scares me, as it should, is dealing with illness alone. People may think I am actually nuts to leave this behind to manage by myself, but I have my reasons.

Does year 2 get easier than year 1? I hope so, though I know each time comes with its own issues.

But I am so relieved: she has been out of sorts for two whole weeks, and it was such bliss to see my happy baby back again, as opposed to one that burst into tears once an hour. 

Action also needs to be initiated on the discipline front. This is a child surrounded by too many people who act like she is the sun, moon, and the stars. Plus she is a naturally strong willed child with signs of a temper she has come by honestly.  While there is no overt indulging happening, such children possibly become subliminally more aware of the power they wield, and like little dictators, take shameless advantage.  In that way, our move to America, while traumatic, may be good in a way. All in all, I'm really going to have to bring my A-game in this department. Wish me luck, people. I have managed the first crucial bit: she is utterly connected to and trusts me and the grandparents. The next part is using this trust and connection for discipline, and I *ulp* when I think of that.

On the progress front, unintelligible, too cute words are coming out constantly from that mouth, and it is funny to see myself follow her around, ears straining, trying to figure out if her first word is actually nestled within streams of baby babble.  Atto Atto toi toi toi whaaaaaaaaa? Fun times, but also a bit poignant because each phase is gone before you know it, never to repeat again, unless you plan to have many kids, which I do not.

Btw, a blogpost is up on the science blog: it is about Omega 3 fatty acids and that holy grail of topics, baby sleep. Here is the link.

16 comments:

  1. It will be a huge adjustment, but you can handle it. Those of us that weather the storm without a bunch of help, we aren't magical creatures. I find that I spend a lot of time thinking about the logistics of our lives in my head (ie. if he wakes up while I'm still getting ready for work what will I do to keep him distracted). We do what we have to do, otherwise it just doesn't get done...and sometimes things simply don't get done and that has to be ok!

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    1. Oh, I have no doubt I can handle it, and I am actually looking forward to most of it, though not the sickness bits. We are all tough, smart cookies, and i'm pretty confident I will get through that as well. Looking forward to strategizing a lot, actually.

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  2. There is no shame in either being fortunate to have good help or in struggling b/c of the lack thereof. Everyone's situation is different. That's like saying you shouldn't revel in having a good sleeper because someone else's child is up all night long. It's silly! I'm glad you've had so much support during this first year!

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    1. Oh, there is absolutely no shame in being so fortunate (in having such a wonderful, supportive family). I can give thanks for it absolutely guilt-free in my head, sure, but as to whether I should revel about it in public on this blog, that I think is purely a matter of etiquette: different people would feel differently about that one :)

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  3. Yes, you and Gauri will be fine, it sounds like your move will be hardest on your family! While the day-to-day demands can be utterly exhausting as a single parent, for me the biggest problem with being the sole parent, and having all family out of country (or simply unavailable), is the stress worrying about a true emergency. What if my I get hit by a truck, or my appendix ruptures? Who will take care of my kids?

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    1. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head...this move is going to suck for my family, and It is also what I feel the most bad about. And yes, it is the unknown (illness, accidents (god forbid)) that do scare me. Well, you do what you have to do. And when I move back, there will be lots and lots and lots of things to look forward to :)

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  4. I can empathize with you on the discipline issue. Elena has grown up in the same environment of mostly adults & that she is strong-willed & has a temper (come by honestly). I was ill prepared once she started testing boundaries & 18 months - about 25-26 months were a nightmare behaviourally. There are lots of great books & techniques that really got me through. One of the most important things is to be consistent. I know you'll manage just fine!

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    1. Glad you have that behind you, and looking forward to comparing notes :) Btw, once I move back, I will definitely be back in the GTA on a regular basis. Hoping to see you and Elena at some point!

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  5. I think the first year is definitely the best time to have all that help, so perhaps you might not find it quite as crucial once you move. That being said, I'm not sure how I could have handled Ellie with her various issues without a competent spouse and legions of childless relatives ready to jump at the opportunity to take her off our hands.

    Where abouts in the states are you landing, anyway? I only ask because Ellie has a considerable deficit of playmate ;-)

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    1. It would be so cool if Gauri and Ellie could hang out! Unfortunately, America is a great beast of a nation---it boggles my mind how huge it is. I am aiming for either California or Texas, let us see who employs me, and where :)

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    2. Hee hee, yep, well Florida isn't exactly known for biotech, but The Scripps Research Institute is actually right down the road from us at my Alma Mater, so who knows ;-). I was thinking about putting in an ap myself awhile back.

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    3. Ooh TSRI is in Florida too? Did not know that. Went and looked at them, they have lots and lots of relevant openings, if I wanted to stay in academia. Sigh...soon I will have to throw myself into the rather painful universe of job hunting. I'm a little fuzzy on what exactly your field is....what exactly do you do?

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    4. I'm a professional loser, dedicated to the high philosophy of never living up to my potential. In all seriousness though, I wanted to be in academia since I was just a kid, but tenure track has become so, so harsh and I DESPISE money grubbing. I loved the teaching aspect, I loved the research aspect, I HATED applying for grants. Having kids and pursuing tenure just seemed ludicrous though, and in the end, family is what I wanted most. So now I own a small business with my brother. We work with public and private aquariums, but I also teach college biology labs, mainly for fun, because I can teach them at night, and because I like being called "professor."

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    5. It is so cool you have your own gig---I think that is absolutely the best!

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  6. It sounds like you and Gauri are doing great! The 2nd year is definitely easier than the 1st, and the 3rd is easier than the 2nd in a lot of ways. Our daughter will be 3 in about 2 months, and I marvel at how much she can already do for herself, how independent she is becoming, even at such a young age. You are a strong, independent lady, and I'm sure both you and Gauri will do great after the move!

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    1. lol, nice to know. I hear you about the increasing independence and self-reliance, I get a ton of joy from seeing that too.

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