Friday, September 20, 2013

All the goodwill in the world

A fellow blogger Paige lost her first baby to pPROM in 2010. I just found out she lost her twin boys, possibly to incompetent cervix. I found out about Paige's pregnancy a few weeks ago, and I was hoping so badly for a happy ending for her, and everybody wanted things to go well for her, so very much. All the goodwill in the world---we feel like it should be a powerful thing, and yet it is but a leaf in the wind that proves utterly ineffective all the time. Who has the power? Who decides these things? Is it the most likely possibility decided by "n" number of biological variables working with or against each other, unaffected  by outside influence? Or is it the universe's will?

My mother keeps telling me that no matter what I do, I have to have the sanction of destiny for it to work out. Maybe, maybe not.  Its a question that my brain keeps circling around, and will continue to circle forever.

I'm heartsick because of Paige. This is her blog: I request you all not to go there to silently watch, but only go if you want to truly commiserate.  

I'm sorry I've been silent about my situation: the ultrasound was delayed this week because my RE's receptionist did not book an appointment well enough before hand and could not get a slot. It will happen hopefully tomorrow. J would be about 8w4d along. Don't know what I will find...mostly comfortably numb, except for moments of that familiar heart-in-your-throat panic when I actually think about it. If the baby is still fine, this would be the furthest any pregnancy of mine has come. I know there is a lot of goodwill coming my way too. I wish something like that could have been the deciding factor, instead of an unseen, incomprehensible power running the show.


  1. Sending lots of good thoughts. It's so hard to be in the hands of fate or luck or how all the variables come together... Seems things are going along well so far and I'm hopeful for you.

  2. Jay, sweetie, I am thinking good thoughts for you and J. I pray the little one is doing well.

  3. I, too, constantly wonder if things are destined or just random chance. I hope things go well at the ultrasound tomorrow.