I was so very low when I wrote my last post. About a day after that, I made up with the person I'd fought with, and no other awful thing happened, and within a few days, I was back to my usual even keel. If I'm truly, deeply thankful for anything, I think it is my natural tendency to be ok, no matter what.
Its been a very busy few weeks- my house got remodeled (we are talking painting, polishing, putting new windows and false ceilings in) followed by my brothers wedding- a fun, joyous, if completely exhausting event. We were all so tired that nearly everybody in my house was sick, mostly from our immune systems being hammered from overexertion.
After things came back to normal and most of the guests departed,I'm in limbo now on so many fronts. Waiting to see what happens with my green card application. Waiting for a surrogate to be recruited. Waiting to see what happens, on the career front (I'm working, but its mostly for shits and giggles, not a serious job, its a situation where I'm just trying to learn new things that will make my resume more attractive to future employers).
Nothing in my life is decided. I've been battered by circumstances going south on me so many times- 3 pregnancy loses- it still is mind boggling. Especially when combined with that un-imaginable IVF result, I *should* be terrified for the future. The weird thing is, I'm not. I'm remarkably ok with the current state of uncertainty, which is a wonder in itself.
But the one thing I don't have in large supply is faith. Nothing really seems to work, and why should I hold out hope that this trend will reverse in the future? But it can. The other day, I read such a lovely post by Mo, about an email from her RE about her long term prognosis being excellent, shortly after her first loss. It took so many more losses and so many years for that RE's prediction to come true, but it did. I think that post is a must read for all of us still in the trenches, not to give up hope, and to keep going.
Update just in: a surrogate is close to being recruited. There is a part of me that does not want to know anything about her. I'm a painfully picky person in so many areas. i rejected almost every sperm donor I looked at, and I looked at over a 100 donors easily. And you can't control a surrogate and you have to be ok with whoever you get, whatever their background and habits are, and pray that they will take good care of the precious cargo entrusted to them, that their womb is fertile and they will faithfully swallow the vitamins you plan to give them and avoid chemicals during their pregnancy. I'm almost tempted to try with my own uterus, then the remembrance of each loss hits me and I'm paralyzed and ready to do anything to avoid going through that again. So right now, I'm burying my head in the sand, and not calling my RE to get every last detail about whoever he has picked. Its so very unlike me.
But for now, I'm very ok. Out of my funk, still missing my cat. We rescued a tiny kitten off the streets. Had we had my old cat, we would not have considered doing this. Ah, the circle of life- one life splutters out, another living thing gets a shot at survival because of that.
Its been a very busy few weeks- my house got remodeled (we are talking painting, polishing, putting new windows and false ceilings in) followed by my brothers wedding- a fun, joyous, if completely exhausting event. We were all so tired that nearly everybody in my house was sick, mostly from our immune systems being hammered from overexertion.
After things came back to normal and most of the guests departed,I'm in limbo now on so many fronts. Waiting to see what happens with my green card application. Waiting for a surrogate to be recruited. Waiting to see what happens, on the career front (I'm working, but its mostly for shits and giggles, not a serious job, its a situation where I'm just trying to learn new things that will make my resume more attractive to future employers).
Nothing in my life is decided. I've been battered by circumstances going south on me so many times- 3 pregnancy loses- it still is mind boggling. Especially when combined with that un-imaginable IVF result, I *should* be terrified for the future. The weird thing is, I'm not. I'm remarkably ok with the current state of uncertainty, which is a wonder in itself.
But the one thing I don't have in large supply is faith. Nothing really seems to work, and why should I hold out hope that this trend will reverse in the future? But it can. The other day, I read such a lovely post by Mo, about an email from her RE about her long term prognosis being excellent, shortly after her first loss. It took so many more losses and so many years for that RE's prediction to come true, but it did. I think that post is a must read for all of us still in the trenches, not to give up hope, and to keep going.
Update just in: a surrogate is close to being recruited. There is a part of me that does not want to know anything about her. I'm a painfully picky person in so many areas. i rejected almost every sperm donor I looked at, and I looked at over a 100 donors easily. And you can't control a surrogate and you have to be ok with whoever you get, whatever their background and habits are, and pray that they will take good care of the precious cargo entrusted to them, that their womb is fertile and they will faithfully swallow the vitamins you plan to give them and avoid chemicals during their pregnancy. I'm almost tempted to try with my own uterus, then the remembrance of each loss hits me and I'm paralyzed and ready to do anything to avoid going through that again. So right now, I'm burying my head in the sand, and not calling my RE to get every last detail about whoever he has picked. Its so very unlike me.
But for now, I'm very ok. Out of my funk, still missing my cat. We rescued a tiny kitten off the streets. Had we had my old cat, we would not have considered doing this. Ah, the circle of life- one life splutters out, another living thing gets a shot at survival because of that.
Your post definitely doesn't have the usual undercurrent of hope & optimism. Sending good thoughts that your surrogate is excellent & this try results in your take home baby.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I'm calling 2012 the year of waiting for nothing to happen. On so many fronts (baby, job, etc.), it's just been a bland disappointment. But it's exciting to hear that 2013 could be your year -- finding a surrogate is amazing, as is rescuing a kitty! These little things are what you have to hold on to.
ReplyDeleteHoping that something just "clicks" with your surrogate, though it must be hard to turn over something of this magnitude to someone else. So glad that you were able to take in this little kitten and care for it. Hope you all get well soon! Being under the weather due to stress--esp when it was good--sucks :(
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it's so hard to trust that a surrogate will do the right things at the right times but it seems like you have the right outlook on it. I know what you mean about being tempted to try with your own uterus, but the losses just being so raw .
ReplyDeleteSo happy for the new tiny kitten...I know how much you must be missing your old cat thouhg...
It's nice to hear from you, I've been thinking about you although I don't comment often lately. I read that post from Mo that you are referring to... I'm so glad she wrote it and that it is providing you comfort and hope!
ReplyDelete