Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The ability to cry

When I'm sad, or when I'm stressed and something gives out,  I cry.  Tears work in different ways for people. Some cry copiously, and feel no better. Others lack the ability to shed tears, and keep hoarding their negative emotions. In my case, crying works in precisely the way evolution probably intended it, as an exquisitely-designed mechanism to physically shed emotion and become free of it.

The most sensitive emotional barometer I possess is how much I've cried in any given situation. I cried copiously after my first loss, for days on end, for long periods of time. My second loss bought about far less frequent tears, I went to the numb and 'I'm ok' bits much more quickly. With this 3rd loss, while I cried infrequently through the pregnancy to expend the stress that was building, and plenty on the day of the loss, but afterwards, my tears just dried up.  They came maybe four times that coming week, in very short (like 1-3 min) durations, and afterwards, not all all. I also felt like life was almost normal, I was not even numb, most of the time, I just felt fine. That was bewildering in itself, I have to say.

There has also been very little grief with the loss of this particular life, and there is a little part of me that feels profoundly guilty about it. I never felt like this pregnancy was real, because my psyche, for whatever reason, solidly blocked it. There was no grief that I could identify over the loss of THIS life, this child. I felt sad that the pregnancy has failed. I cried because I'm so scared about the future, and that things were so hard for me.  But I never cried because this particular life was gone. And to this day, I wonder why it was. The easy and simple answer is, its a coping mechanism that my sub-conscious developed, after the back-to-back whacks of 2 pregnancy losses. But still, I'm not wholly satisfied with that explanation.

I want the results of my karyotyping back for multiple reasons-- one part is, that I want this lost pregnancy to become more real for me. I want to know what I had, so it finally becomes more tangible. Its been 21 days post D&C. When I left the country (17 days post-surgery), the results were not back yet. I called today, the receptionist was distinctly unhelpful. She would not inform me of the availability of results via email, she had no idea when they would become available, and her advice was to keep calling back until a) the results came back and b) a nurse practitioner was available to relay them to me. Yikes. That is a lot of international calls. And honestly, I'm just dying to know.

After talking to that woman, the dam finally cracked. I cried again, and I desperately needed to. Grief or the lack of it non-withstanding, these past few weeks have been enormously stressful. Like an idiot, I scheduled my flight out of the country 2 days after I had finished work. I decided the timing the day of the loss, on a day I should have been making no decisions, on a day that my primary priority was to run home to family. Two weeks after, when I was emotionally back to a completely even keel, when I was stressed and overworked with the burden of wrapping up my handover and packing to leave in a ridiculously short time, I seriously regretted it.  I managed it, finished everything I had to do and I'm back in India, but not without some serious stress and cost to myself. Its been rough. And I finally cried today, because of a rude receptionist. I just pray I get my results soon, and they don't end up tell me that they managed to lose all samples or the lab messed it up or something. Though my badly needed R&R has begun, I'm stretched very thin right now.  C'mon universe, tell me what I had.  

11 comments:

  1. The waiting is the worst and this journey if ripe with waiting. I hope that your results come back shortly giving you clear answers. Also, enjoy your R&R!

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  2. Sorry for the rude receptionist & delay in getting your answers. Glad you are in good hands being at home getting the R&R you deserve.

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  3. Glad that you're getting some down time and sorry that the receptionist was rude.  This whole battle is so awful; I'm sorry that you're having to fight it.

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  4. Rude receptionists SUCK.

    Cry when you need to cry and don't feel bad about not doing it when  you can't.  Like you said - your body is probably just figuring out ways to help you cope with it.

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  5. Arrgh!  I would be really frustrated too!  Can you persistently request to speak to her supervisor?  That's what I would try - go higher up until you can get some kind of answer as to where they are in the process.  When did they say they would have it done?  They're getting paid for this, right?  Ridiculous.

    Sorry your move was so stressful and understand your need to release some emotion.  Sending caring thoughts.

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  6. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you.  I hope you get the results soon and don't have to deal with the rude receptionist again (you may want to talk to someone about that).

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  7. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.   I am glad you were able to cry.  I hope next time you're able to get someone at least more sensitive on the phone if not someone with answers.  Hugs.

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  8. I hope you can get the results soon - and without too many international calls. Ugh.

    As for crying, just let yourself be where you are. We cried less and less with each loss and instead began some kind of chronic mourning, sort of a profound sadness that was almost beyond tears. 

    Let this be IT for you in loss-land. I'm voting that the next pregnancy be soon and be IT for you.

    Mo

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  9. you've reached the point of being overwrought, clearly. I'm glad that R&R are the main dishes on the menu of your days ahead. What a mountain of stress it must have been to wrap up your job and move to India all in the same week. You seemingly have kept your sanity; a few tears are very much par for the course.

    I hope those results come in soon. This is an agnoizingly long wait.

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  10. Waiting is the worst, and particularly in this case when you so need that information to process and move on. Glad you are back in India in the loving folds of your family. Enjoy your R&R.

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  11. I hope your next call yields a more helpful employee and your results.  I'm glad you're home and hope that you are letting them take care of you.  

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